Friend wants her DH to come on all female holiday.

[Oldbutstillgotit]

A few months ago a good friend , Anne, invited me and 2 other friends Barbara and Carol on holiday (These are not real names but I thought it would be easier than ABC etc) .
The background is that Anne has had a terrible few years and has needed a lot of support which we have willingly given. Thankfully she is now much better so decided that she wanted to treat us . She insisted that she was paying for a villa in the sun for a week plus flights . Very generous and we all said it wasn’t necessary but Anne really wanted to do this.
Further information, to avoid drip feed, is that Anne, Barbara and I have known each other for other 30 years since our DC were in Primary School. Anne knows Carol through a couple of interests but Barbara and I have met Carol several times and she has always been pleasant and fun.
Anyway, the villa and flights were booked and everything was fine. Until yesterday. I switched on my phone to a flurry of messages on our WhatsApp group, starting with Carol asking if it is ok if her DH comes on holiday ! Anne replied saying “ very funny, of course not”.
There are then loads of exchanges which are basically Carol saying that she has never been away from her DH for a week , the thought is making her anxious , he would be “ no bother” etc etc . To everything Anne has said no but Carol kept pushing. She even said that if they had the bedroom with the ensuite we would hardly see him !
I contacted Anne to see if she was ok . She was quite upset .
Yesterday afternoon, Anne , Barbara and I met for a coffee to discuss . Both Barbara and I said the decision was Anne’s but neither of us was happy at the prospect of a DH being there as it would totally change the dynamic.
The 4 of us are meeting for lunch later . Anne says she will cancel if Carol persists .
Anyone any suggestions ?

In that case Carol should have politely declined

@Porpoises

It’s quite clearly a ‘girls’ holiday and just because someone has anxiety it doesn’t mean they aren’t aware that bringing their husband might be a comfort to them but also make it very awkward for the other three women.

It’s juat rude to even contemplate the thought of her husband coming along.

Carol needs to confront her anxieties instead of imposing them on everyone else.

She will find that she emerges a bit stronger and braver if she faces her fears and discovers the sky has not fallen on her head and the world has not ended.

The answer, kindly and compassionately, is NO he can't come.

Oh Carol.

A simple and clear “that doesn’t work for us” is what you must all repeat.

Is the lunch meet up really necessary? I’d be firm on the group chat and keep repeating “no” rather than have the big drama of a showdown at lunch.

I think Carol's husband is the one who is insisting on coming. He probably doesn't 'allow' her to go anywhere without him. Talk to Carol, ask her if this is the case. She may need support to stand up to him and say he can't come.

On the other hand, if she genuinely can't cope without him for a week, then it's best she stays at home.

Oh and I'm 58 and a granny, can I come instead?

Who knows what's going on behind Carol's front door, however that is not Anne's problem.

Carol and CF should stay home, no offers of him visiting for days or anything else. Very cheeky for then to have considered asking. If she has problems with his control or her anxiety she should have made excuses at the beginning before it was booked.

I think a call to Carol,
Carol, Anne is very upset at you wanting to bring CF I hope you are able to get over the anxiety and come it's not like you'll be alone. However if you want to pull out she'll understand.

Wow, Carol is a very cf! She basically wants a holiday for her dh! Just no, it’s very poor of her to keep insisting to poor Anne.

Tell Carol to get the f - nobody wants her husband there and if she can't survive without him for a week then she needs to take a long hard look at herself.

Either Carol goes on her own or you drop her. What kind of a wally is she who can't leave her husband for a week? I've never heard the like.

It’s up to you or Barbara to have a word

I think so too. At the very least make sure you both 100% back up Anne at lunch when she says no again. Suggest another friend who could go since "you can't make it Carol" .

Carol and/or DH are the cheekiest CFs I've ever heard off. There is NO way I'd put up with this and I'd expect them to pay for the name change fee for the flight if someone else joins instead of her.

Carole need to either accept this lovely and generous gift on the terms it was offered, or decline.

Carole has no manners.

Agree with nearly everyone else.

Carol comes alone or not at all. Even staying nearby with her dh will change the dynamic.

Is she worried about being without her dh or is her dh worried about being without her? Either way the choice is come or stay at home.

I’ve just asked my husband if he’d like to come on holiday and stay in a villa with me and three like minded female friends.

His face went pale and he muttered something about ‘rather die...’

Leave to one to add drama to what should be a simple fun trip.

Carol is obviously 60 something grown ass woman. Someone give her a bottle of wine or an anxiety tablet and put her on the plane. She'll survive! Sheesh! Hiding away avoiding new things isn't the way to deal with anxiety.

I also wondered if her DH was a controlling twat and wouldn't "let" her go.

Something's afoot for her to do something so weird.

I don't think she's rude so much as there's more to this.

Some husbands identify as girls. I k ow in being ridiculous but this is reality now. It's not because he's male. It's because he's not one of the group of friends which is absolutely fair enough. If Carol had a female partner she presumably wouldn't be welcome either.

This is bizarre. If she really is anxious then she should just bow out. You don't know her DH, this is a very generous gift and she has no place making demands.

I wouldn’t jump to presume her husband is controlling unless there’s other suspicions- some couples are just painfully codependent

Mners are usually very understanding of anxiety. This thread is unusual.

For example there are plenty of mners who don't open their front door if someone knocks. I find that much more restrictive than this.

It's a shame there's all this drama over what was a kind gesture which Anne meant as a treat to say thank you and hoped you'd all enjoy.

Hopefully it'll gets resolved at lunch.

No way
If she can't go then she can't go

Totally bonkers for her to think that's acceptable

Carol has the option of coming alone or not at all ...
Do not cancel the holiday.. sounds like you all need it .
Enjoy 😊

Ps

I had a group of 6 friends round yesterday . Fantastic afternoon girl chat , laughing putting the world to rights .
2 of is are single ... the other 4 - no WAY would their husbands ever even want to come with us on a girl trip !!
That would their idea of hell !
Something wrong with a man who did IMO

Why on earth would he want to go on an all-female holiday, he'll be bored rigid! Does he know she's planning on dragging him along to keep an eye on him?
Poor chap!

Why woukd he be bored?