Friend wants her DH to come on all female holiday.

[Oldbutstillgotit]

A few months ago a good friend , Anne, invited me and 2 other friends Barbara and Carol on holiday (These are not real names but I thought it would be easier than ABC etc) .
The background is that Anne has had a terrible few years and has needed a lot of support which we have willingly given. Thankfully she is now much better so decided that she wanted to treat us . She insisted that she was paying for a villa in the sun for a week plus flights . Very generous and we all said it wasn’t necessary but Anne really wanted to do this.
Further information, to avoid drip feed, is that Anne, Barbara and I have known each other for other 30 years since our DC were in Primary School. Anne knows Carol through a couple of interests but Barbara and I have met Carol several times and she has always been pleasant and fun.
Anyway, the villa and flights were booked and everything was fine. Until yesterday. I switched on my phone to a flurry of messages on our WhatsApp group, starting with Carol asking if it is ok if her DH comes on holiday ! Anne replied saying “ very funny, of course not”.
There are then loads of exchanges which are basically Carol saying that she has never been away from her DH for a week , the thought is making her anxious , he would be “ no bother” etc etc . To everything Anne has said no but Carol kept pushing. She even said that if they had the bedroom with the ensuite we would hardly see him !
I contacted Anne to see if she was ok . She was quite upset .
Yesterday afternoon, Anne , Barbara and I met for a coffee to discuss . Both Barbara and I said the decision was Anne’s but neither of us was happy at the prospect of a DH being there as it would totally change the dynamic.
The 4 of us are meeting for lunch later . Anne says she will cancel if Carol persists .
Anyone any suggestions ?

All this “anxiety” “coercive control” “bewildered” schtick - don’t buy it sorry. She’s not a child she’s over 60!

Do you think coercive control is only perpetrated on children?

I know Carol's behaviour is enabling Dick's but that's what happens in coercive control. People don't choose to be victims and they can't see that they are being controlled.

I don't think it's helpful to suggest that being a victim of coercive control means you are childish. It means you are the victim of pernicious and sustained abuse.

Carol may be just as much a victim in this as Anne is. Just in a different way. By behaving in this way, Dick may have quite deliberately isolated her from an important support network.

What an awful couple! Has Carol replied to the message saying her fight has been cancelled?

Is it terrible of me to hope that, in the time it took for Anne to email Carole about the flight being cancelled and Carole reading that email, someone else had snapped up that flight and all remaining ones so that the flight is full

This is just incredible. CFery of the highest order.

Absolutely shameless!

If you're reading, Dick, you're a twat and Carol, you're a cunt.

I am at how unpleasant this has all become. Poor Anne was just trying to do something nice!

Anne, Barbara and the OP did their best to give Carol the opportunity to open up if she was indeed being bullied or coercively controlled - and she claimed instead to be being bullied by them

Sadly, unless and until she asks for help an/or hits rock bottom (if indeed she is an abusive relationship), there is nothing much more that her friends can do. And in this situation, Dick Head left Anny no choice but to cancels Carol's flight - given that all the signs were that Dick Head was still planning on muscling in on the Old Girls' Holiday away

They clearly intend on coming to the villa - why? Why would anyone continue with this unless they had some sort of agenda?
Even if they were being cheated out of a holiday because Anne was being weird - how could they imagine that turning up would go well?

It doesn't matter at all what Carol's situation is. Dick is being a complete dick and would ruin the holiday and Anne has handled it really well.

I hope you all don't see or hear anything of them for a long time.

I wonder how long it would have been (let's hope it still doesn't happen) before Dick was snapping his fingers expecting Carole Anne and Barbara to wait on him hand and foot ?

If Carol knows Dick is controlling and would object to her going or do something twatish, IMO she would have made her excuses to Ann the second she suggested the holiday. I imagine at 60, she's been with him long enough to know and wouldn't have allowed it to go this far by agreeing to go.

Good grief. If it wasn't outrageous enough before today's updates. Wow. Good for Anne.
New thread please OP!

@Oldbutstillgotit OP I'm worried we'll run out of space before the holiday comes and we hear Carol's reply!

Please start a new thread and keep us posted. I've only just picked my jaw up off the ground from reading through this!

I’m too. I really thought the situation would die down. Oh, to have such thick skin

This thread is almost full!

It won't stop Dick from trying to barge in

I've missed loads, what a cheeky Dick!!! 😂

I hope Will Dick doesn't demand a refund from Anne to cover his useless flight cost?

Could you imagine the scene if they turned up to ' surprise ' you at the villa ?
Did they imagine no one would dare tell them to leave?

Cassie71 - I hope Will Dick doesn't demand a refund from Anne to cover his useless flight cost?

Well he can still go - it just won't be a free flight for Carol and free accommodation for both

Anne decided that she had had enough and has cancelled Carol’s flight

Thank heaven for that - no need to strand anyone in Spain or to be rude yourselves, just a plain "you're not coming after the way you've behaved"

It can't have been easy for Anne, but at least she's done what's needed, and hopefully the three of you can have the lovely, relaxing time you deserve

If this was a TV drama, youd all let Dick come away, then one of you murder him and spend a delightful few days being Miss Marples and finding out who did it.
Lots of wine, and leading questions etc.

Jolly old fun.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3616674-Continuing-the-one-about-Carol-Dick-and-the-free-holiday

Wow. Just wow.. I’m speechless.

The only thing though is have you confirmed your location by telling Carol you know they had called the villa? Are they likely to still turn up and try to laugh it off?

As an aside my MIL won’t go anywhere without her husband. He is not domineering but is controlling but she is so used to it now, she won’t hear a bad word about him.

She booked a little holiday for herself and two friends - all in their seventies because they hadn’t been away together for years. She is bringing FIL along and already both MIL and FIL are complaining that the other two ladies have planned a day shopping because it isn’t ‘his thing’. His ‘thing’ is walking around sightseeing and ‘educating’ everyone and is an absolute bore! If I was one of the other two ladies I’d do an Anne and ditch them both!

Bloody hell!
That man has the hide of several rhinos.
And I'm the last post on this thread. Please start a new one.