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Original poster

Friend wants her DH to come on all female holiday.

999 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 16/06/2019 09:43

A few months ago a good friend , Anne, invited me and 2 other friends Barbara and Carol on holiday (These are not real names but I thought it would be easier than ABC etc) .
The background is that Anne has had a terrible few years and has needed a lot of support which we have willingly given. Thankfully she is now much better so decided that she wanted to treat us . She insisted that she was paying for a villa in the sun for a week plus flights . Very generous and we all said it wasn’t necessary but Anne really wanted to do this.
Further information, to avoid drip feed, is that Anne, Barbara and I have known each other for other 30 years since our DC were in Primary School. Anne knows Carol through a couple of interests but Barbara and I have met Carol several times and she has always been pleasant and fun.
Anyway, the villa and flights were booked and everything was fine. Until yesterday. I switched on my phone to a flurry of messages on our WhatsApp group, starting with Carol asking if it is ok if her DH comes on holiday ! Anne replied saying “ very funny, of course not”.
There are then loads of exchanges which are basically Carol saying that she has never been away from her DH for a week , the thought is making her anxious , he would be “ no bother” etc etc . To everything Anne has said no but Carol kept pushing. She even said that if they had the bedroom with the ensuite we would hardly see him !
I contacted Anne to see if she was ok . She was quite upset .
Yesterday afternoon, Anne , Barbara and I met for a coffee to discuss . Both Barbara and I said the decision was Anne’s but neither of us was happy at the prospect of a DH being there as it would totally change the dynamic.
The 4 of us are meeting for lunch later . Anne says she will cancel if Carol persists .
Anyone any suggestions ?

OP posts:
thenightsky · 16/06/2019 10:34

OP... I'm a 60 year old. Am I still in the running? Grin

RestingBitchFaced · 16/06/2019 10:34

Why would you like the idea of him staying somewhere else? He would still be there all day and for every meal - just no. She's a CF for even asking, never mind insisting when she has already been told no!

Drum2018 · 16/06/2019 10:36

Wow, some people just have no shame. How on earth did she think you would all be fine with her Dh tagging along? When you all meet today just let Anne be firm in saying that it's a break away for her with her good friends and that the three of you do not want anyone's Dh tagging along - it would change the whole holiday. Tell Anne not to be apologetic - that gives Carol room for negotiation. So no, 'sorry but Nigel can't come', or 'it's a shame but we would rather Nigel didn't come'. I'd say 'I can't believe you have even asked us if Nigel can come'.
And if she starts adamant that she cannot leave her front room without Nigel in tow, then tell her that's her choice but your decisions still stand and she will have to stay home with him instead. I wouldn't even bother with options of her coming for a few days, or her and Nigel staying nearby in other accommodation as you'd still be stuck with him. Good luck at lunch!

Soola · 16/06/2019 10:36

Or you could play Carol at her own game.

Hi Carol, really pleased that Brian wants to stay at the villa with us!

Hope he’s up for the job of entertaining us all, fnarr fnarr!

All of us have had a fantasty about being ravished together by one man and we are so glad that you don’t mind sharing Brian.

We have decided on a no clothes rule inside the villa so you and Brian won’t have to pack as many clothes as we will spend most of the time naked.

Brian won’t mind being in charge of the BBQ will he? He can wear an apron for that as we don’t want our prize sausage getting sizzled do we?!

Much love, the saucy girls.

JumpingFrogs · 16/06/2019 10:39

Sounds to me like Carol may have a controlling husband who is jealous and is making things tricky for her. I have a friend who has to do a lot of negotiating to "be allowed" to join us for occasional weekends away, and whose husband has been known to turn up uninvited to restaurants etc when we have arranged a night out.
Despite that, I agree that you three need to stick to your guns. Carol should come alone or not at all.

FamilyOfAliens · 16/06/2019 10:39

I like the suggestion that Carol and her DH stay elsewhere

Yes - at home Grin

Iloveacurry · 16/06/2019 10:39

Carol really shouldn’t of agreed to the holiday if she can’t bear to be apart from her DH. Very unreasonable for her to suggest he comes. It’s a girls holiday after all.

BlueSkiesLies · 16/06/2019 10:40

😂

Carol is crazy.

Tell carol you’d love to have her there, but her husband can’t come. If she no longer feels able to come on the holiday, so be it.

redspider1 · 16/06/2019 10:41

Carol is rude. good for Anne for standing up to her. she needs to carry on in that way. You and Barbara could both contact Carol and tell her that it is unfair given Anne's generosity, that she pressures her to accept her DH on an all female holiday etc.

PennyBryn · 16/06/2019 10:42

What’s an awkward position she has put you and especially Ann in

I think you should emphasise that this is a GIFT.
It’s a very generous gift that involves going away from dh for a week
It’s not at all unreasonable that, depending on your individual circumstances, you might not feel able to accept the gift
Carol needs to see that it’s ok to politely decline the gift but it’s not ok to try to make Ann extend the gift to another person

Perhaps Ann can assertively stick to her guns, refer to the holiday as a gift, and explain that this is what she is at this time, that she hopes Carol can accept it but she understands if she can’t

I do wonder if Carols husband is putting her under a lot of pressure

PennyBryn · 16/06/2019 10:43

*this is what she is OFFERING at this time

FamilyOfAliens · 16/06/2019 10:43

The problem with focusing on the “gift” aspect is that Carol’s DH might then offer to pay his way.

Best sticking to the “girls’ holiday” angle.

rainbowstardrops · 16/06/2019 10:43

Why on earth did Carol agree to it if she knew she'd be anxious being away from her DH for a week?!!!
The whole dynamic would change so I think that Anne needs to stick to her guns and tell her it's just a 'girlie' break

theDudesmummy · 16/06/2019 10:44

Of course he can't bloody come. But I too am worried about Carol. It may not be the case, she may indeed just be a CF, or rather pathetic/selfish, but as a friend I think you need to be alert for signs of either mental health problems or a controlling/abusive husband, and support her as appropriate.

katewhinesalot · 16/06/2019 10:44

I thought at the beginning that it would be Anne who was paying who wanted to bring her dh. Even then I was going to say that was unreasonable and would completely change the dynamics, but obviously then you'd have no choice.

In these circumstances to protect Anne, I think she needs to stay quite quiet after saying no to her and I think you and barbera will have to be the vocal ones, saying no way, it'll change the dynamics, it's not fair to put that in Anne in that position as she has paid for a girly supportive holiday only, that she wouldn't have organised it otherwise if she's known etc.

Just be clear that he can't come and it's up to her whether she doesn't come at all or she comes alone. And that really if she doesn't come then she really owes Anne the money for her flight. Although you might want to mention that but not insist on it. Be sympathetic but firm. That you are sorry she's realised about the anxiety now, but it's Anne's holiday and she's going to have what she and you two planned from the beginning. It's not fair of her to try and change that.

LadyBumclock · 16/06/2019 10:46

God I'm really sorry for Anne in this situation! She generously offers to take you all on a GIRLS' holiday and then has Carol put her in a situation where they might fall out - after having had a shit time herself. This suggests to me that Carol is bad news. She is prepared to be a CF, make you all endure her DH and put Anne through a dilemma.

It would be a clear no from me. I think you're right to say it's Anne's decision, but you can support her in saying no if that is her decision. I really hope it's not cancelled though and you can all go with our without Carol (but definitely without her DH!).

Being generous, you could try to encourage Carol to try a week away without him to build her confidence. She'll probably love it and divorce him soon after-

I had a friend who always had to involve her husband - it was miserable. Not involving holidays, but we used to have female get-togethers where we would do crafts and chat. He was always lurking around on the sidelines and it made it impossible to open up.

Arealhumanbeing · 16/06/2019 10:47

Ugh. My friend’s husband used to come and ‘offer her a lift home as he was in the area’, in the middle of our nights out. Off she went too, but has left him since.

Tell her to forget it.

katewhinesalot · 16/06/2019 10:47

Oh and it's a no from them staying else where too. He'd still be hanging around.

Excited101 · 16/06/2019 10:48

Carol is being ridiculous. Tell her ‘that’s a shame then’ and she just doesn’t come- simple.

SmellsLikeAdultSpirit · 16/06/2019 10:48

Please don't go with the suggestion that he stays nearby. She goes without him or not at all
What a lot of unnecessary stress for Anne
And FFS make sure Anne gets the en-suite room

Atalune · 16/06/2019 10:49

Totally agree with everyone else here.

Feel for carol but she’s being breathtakingly selfish.

notapizzaeater · 16/06/2019 10:50

Wow, she's really cheeky,

No is a complete sentence. I'd she's that concerned why can't he stay in the next town on his own to escort her back ?

Porpoises · 16/06/2019 10:50

Think Carole's getting a really hard time on here. It's possible that she's genuinely anxious, that she normally hides it but has realised as it gets closer to the holiday that she can't manage it. Anxiety, if it's in the medical sense as an illness, is horrible. Sounds like she has been a good friend to A, so why the sudden assumption that she's a CF?

Doesn't mean you have to accept the husband if that will ruin your holiday. But why not approach it from an empathetic place of listening to her concerns, learning more about her anxiety, and trying to see if you can reassure her or find a solution that's okay for everyone.

HJWT · 16/06/2019 10:53

@Porpoises shes going away to a Villa with a close friend and 2 others she gets along with and had met a good few times, if she relies on her husband to this extent no amount of 'reassurance' will help her!

NataliaOsipova · 16/06/2019 10:55

It's possible that she's genuinely anxious, that she normally hides it but has realised as it gets closer to the holiday that she can't manage it.

Then she deserves some sympathy and consideration.....but I still wouldn’t put up with her husband on the holiday.....