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Original poster

Friend wants her DH to come on all female holiday.

999 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 16/06/2019 09:43

A few months ago a good friend , Anne, invited me and 2 other friends Barbara and Carol on holiday (These are not real names but I thought it would be easier than ABC etc) .
The background is that Anne has had a terrible few years and has needed a lot of support which we have willingly given. Thankfully she is now much better so decided that she wanted to treat us . She insisted that she was paying for a villa in the sun for a week plus flights . Very generous and we all said it wasn’t necessary but Anne really wanted to do this.
Further information, to avoid drip feed, is that Anne, Barbara and I have known each other for other 30 years since our DC were in Primary School. Anne knows Carol through a couple of interests but Barbara and I have met Carol several times and she has always been pleasant and fun.
Anyway, the villa and flights were booked and everything was fine. Until yesterday. I switched on my phone to a flurry of messages on our WhatsApp group, starting with Carol asking if it is ok if her DH comes on holiday ! Anne replied saying “ very funny, of course not”.
There are then loads of exchanges which are basically Carol saying that she has never been away from her DH for a week , the thought is making her anxious , he would be “ no bother” etc etc . To everything Anne has said no but Carol kept pushing. She even said that if they had the bedroom with the ensuite we would hardly see him !
I contacted Anne to see if she was ok . She was quite upset .
Yesterday afternoon, Anne , Barbara and I met for a coffee to discuss . Both Barbara and I said the decision was Anne’s but neither of us was happy at the prospect of a DH being there as it would totally change the dynamic.
The 4 of us are meeting for lunch later . Anne says she will cancel if Carol persists .
Anyone any suggestions ?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 16/06/2019 09:56

Carol is being a cheeky fucker.

Anne and rest of you should woman up and tell Carol the generous invitation is for her only, and ask her to let you know within the day whether or not she’s coming.

Cancelling for everyone would be illogical.

Soola · 16/06/2019 09:56

Dear Carol, no your husband cannot come and stay at the villa that I have booked and paid for so that just us ladies can relax and have fun together.

If you don’t want to go away without your husband that is perfectly understandable although it’s a shame you will miss out on our ladies only holiday.

Please confirm that you will now no longer be coming so that I can decide whether to offer the place to another lady.

Best wishes Anne.

Loopytiles · 16/06/2019 09:57

If Carol gets upset, so be it.

Being “fragile” is even more reason for assertiveness, not passivity/pussyfooting around cheeky fuckers.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 16/06/2019 09:57

I’d tell Carol to woman up- ffs she can’t leave her DS. It’s up to you or Barbara to have a word and say this is not what Anne or you envisaged and if she doesn’t feel comfortable leaving her DH perhaps she shouldn’t go

StealthPolarBear · 16/06/2019 09:57

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Eustasiavye · 16/06/2019 09:57

Tell Carol that she either comes alone, as originally agreed, or not to come.
Say you do understand if she'd rather not come and be with her dh instead.
Don't get into any conversation about it other than those are your 2 options. Nothing inbetween.
Keep it light and breezy.
I cannot t abide people who do this.
It's all very childish as if they have never grown up and think by sulking etc people will give in to them.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 16/06/2019 09:58

DH not DS

NataliaOsipova · 16/06/2019 09:58

I like the suggestion that Carol and her DH stay elsewhere

I think even that is completely unreasonable when someone has invited her to something that they have arranged and she has accepted. Stick up for Anne. She’s made a lovely gesture and is now effectively having it thrown back in her face. You and Barbara should stand your ground and stick up for your friend. Doesn’t sound like you are that close to Carol anyway, so Anne should absolutely be your priority here.

gamerchick · 16/06/2019 09:59

No no compromise of them staying elsewhere. If they want a holiday together at the same place at the same time they pay for the lot themselves. Why a husband would want to go when he's obviously unwelcome is beyond me.

Ladywillpower · 16/06/2019 09:59

A simple but firm "no" with nothing up for discussion. If Carol dosent want to come without her husband that is up to her. Definitely don't cancel!

SummerHouse · 16/06/2019 09:59

She probably doesn't feel she can drop out with it being paid for. I would let her know that you understand, and she can drop out no problem. I think she had kind of spoiled it for herself now anyway and when on holiday with friends your relationship is intensified. That can be for better or worse and with Carol it could definitely take the route of the latter. Gosh but she is annoying right?

FraggleRocking · 16/06/2019 10:00

Tbh I think it’s Anne’s holiday and you are a guest so you should take the lead from her. She said no DH. Don’t suggest Carol and DH stay elsewhere unless Anne says it first.

BettysLeftTentacle · 16/06/2019 10:02

Of course Carol is being U. It’s not hard to deal with though and I don’t really understand why Anne will cancel the holiday because of her!

One message and one message only:
‘Look Carol, I’m sorry but this holiday really is just for me, you, Barbara and OldButt. None of us are bringing our DH/DPs and as the person footing the bill, I really think I should have the final say in who comes with us. Giving you the en-suite room and not seeing you all week is not going to resolve the situation because I want to see you, that’s why I booked the holiday. I’m sorry you feel that you can’t be away from your DH for this and I understand if you now don’t want to come. I still want to thank you for all the support you’ve given me over my hard time and perhaps we can have dinner together when I get back.’

Ignore all other messages and back away.

BuffaloCauliflower · 16/06/2019 10:02

No no no. Staying elsewhere will be just as difficult.
This is ‘I’m really sorry this makes you so anxious and I’m sympathetic, but this is a ladies holiday and your husband is not welcome. If you don’t feel able to come without him we understand and we’ll miss you, but the only options are you come on your own or not at all I’m afraid’

NataliaOsipova · 16/06/2019 10:02

Why a husband would want to go when he's obviously unwelcome is beyond me.

Exactly. In the case of my DH, he wouldn’t want to go on a ladies’ holiday even if everyone begged him to come along, let alone one in which he patently wasn’t invited!

Beechview · 16/06/2019 10:03

Maybe Carol can come for the weekend then go rushing back to her husband.
What a ridiculous situation.

mymadworld · 16/06/2019 10:03

What a CF Shock I would contact carol and say Anne's getting stressed and is too nice to tell you but leave off with the bringing dh nonsense and come and enjoy a girls holiday

Lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 16/06/2019 10:03

Completely out of order of Carol and I agree. Totally changes the dynamic, not to mention throwing a man into a mix of v close female friends who would normally feel able to discuss or do anything in each other's company.

If Carol really is being genuine about her reason for wanting to bring him (or a week away from him is too long) then why doesn't Anne suggest that she joins you for just part of it ( obviously changing the flights at her expense) . 3 days or so instead of a week?

BettysLeftTentacle · 16/06/2019 10:04

Because it’s free I suspect @gamerchick. Cheeky fuckers.....

Whoseagooddoggiethen · 16/06/2019 10:04

Tell carol to stay home with her husband and the rest of you go. Cheeky bitch wanting her husband to go and he is a knob for wanting to.

Apolloanddaphne · 16/06/2019 10:05

You all need to be firm and united on this. Either she doesn't come or comes alone. Her DH is not invited. I guess no-one can stop him being in the same place in different accommodation though.

ThanosSavedMe · 16/06/2019 10:06

Carole is a cf. she comes alone or not at alll

MyNewBearTotoro · 16/06/2019 10:07

Totally inappropriate. If it was a holiday you’d organised together but we’re paying for individually it would be a cheeky ask but the fact that it’s all being paid for as a treat from Anne makes it even worse.

The husband would totally change the dynamic and I wouldn’t believe that it will be like he’s not there as if he’s going to be sat in his bedroom 24/7 he may as well be home alone. I’d say Carol comes alone or she doesn’t go at all and you go as a three.

SinkGirl · 16/06/2019 10:08

Is no one else a bit worried about Carol?

Is her DH refusing to let her go unless he comes too? I can’t imagine a reasonable DH wanting to go to this.

thenightsky · 16/06/2019 10:08

Its Carol's DH who is being a cheeky fucker here by muscling in on a free holiday.

I think you and Barbara need to take him (not his wife) aside and explain its a female only trip that Anne has paid for and tell him how cheeky he's looking by wanting to come.

If Carol decides not to come, I'm available from the 2nd week of July onwards Wink