11YO DD has told us she's pansexual

[GarnishWithALemonTwist]

Not massively concerned about it, whether she is or she isn't, but just wondering if there's a book I can give her about being yourself, growing up, feelings and emotions, etc. She's be 12 in 3 weeks time.

No book recommendations but I’d very carefully monitor her access to social media. There’s a website called Tumblr which I’d be banning immediately. Where on earth is she getting words like that from?

I had to Google that 😳

No book recommendations but my son told his entire class he was gay when he was 10. We spoke to him and told him it didn't matter to us, reassured him that he didn't need to label himself and opened up to him that he could approach us with any questions or chats about it in future.

I also felt that it was important to tell him not to feel pressured into feeling like he needs to fit into a neat little labelled box, especially so young. Emotions are fluid, they move and change all the time etc etc.

some labels are' trendy ' to have and some youngsters label themselves with a label they don't really understand.
sexual preferences can and do change, but i'd be a bit concerned if my young dc was announcing this stuff to all and sundry. it could leave them open to bullying and other problems.

'That's nice dear' will probably suffice for time being. But yes, get a grip on her social media usage.

meant to ask isn't pan sexual very similar /the same as being bi though, as one would still feel emotional and loving bonds towards either sex ? happy to be educated

Loads of kids in my DC year have declared themselves pan. It's quite trendy. At this age though I think sometimes it just means I'm not really sure who I fancy because my hormones and emotions are all over the place.

I could be wrong however pan sexual I believe is used to "be inclusive" so basically open to anyone of any gender

I would be worried she is being bullied either In school or online into including trans or nb people in her sexuality.

Going by the abuse of lesbians who refuse penis I would be concerned.

Limit the internet access.

And see if you can have a chat.

Again I could he wrong about what it means or have an outdated definition it's hard to keep up

Sexual attraction dominated my mind enough as a teen as a heterosexual - goodness knows how you'd find time to think about anything else as a pansexual.

isn't pan sexual very similar /the same as being bi though

Apparently not. It seems that it means you might fancy male, female, males who identify as female and females who identify as male.

It's all the rage at the moment, I swear half DD's class claimed they were at 13/14 but by 17/18 most had boyfriends. I would not worry, just the "we love you whatever we just want you to be happy" is sufficient at that age

At 11, it generally means 'I don't fancy anyone yet, but it's mean to leave anyone out'.

She is trying to work out who she is in a whirl of hormones, I remember those days. I feel sorry for teenagers, they are absolutely horrendous to be around, selfish, argumentative.....but they can’t really help it.

Smile, nod and say 'that's nice dear' or similar.

She'll have picked this up at her secondary school and exploring one's identity (not just sex) is normal. Testing your parents' reactions is normal too. So the most important thing is to be easy to talk to, unshockable and supportive.

You might need further conversations if this shows signs of being a settled intention for future sex life. But right now, the chances are that it isn't

A: monitor her online activities. In fact try to organise more things where she can’t use her phone.
B. Down play it. She probably doesn’t fancy anyone yet but it lets her play for time.

Dd came home from school and told us someone in her class was pan sexual.
Never heard that word before.
I asked did that mean she had a preference for different types of pans? Thought it was something to do with people being in love with their Le Creuset or their copper bottom frying pan

Dd couldn’t explain it either

I don’t think the girl has had any sort of relationship other than a straight gf/bf one.

I think it is just a phase to make them seem a bit special.

No she's not. She's 11 and has been spending way too much time on Tumblr. The sensible response is "oh, that's nice dear, now, remember we said I was allowed to check your browsing history any time because you're only 11."
(I am the mother of a similar age child and at 11 he was still at the "urgh mummy they're kissing" stage).

@Oliversmumsarmy

'That's nice dear' will probably suffice for time being.

This. DD1 is 11 and asked me if I thought a character on a TV show was 'hot', her 9yo sister looked at her with a WTF look on her face. They are a mass of hormones and don't really understand it all yet. Just keep talking to her.

Oh leave Tumblr out of it 😂

If she's pan, she's pan. She might change her mind, she might not. Exploring your sexuality is natural during adolescence.

Hopefully she doesn’t understand what I means like. My dd is almost 11. Yr6. I sympathise with you. 🤯 I agree with not making a fuss about it and monitoring. This is probably just the modern day punk. But this is very young to start imo.

My dd came out as pansexual last year at the age of 13/14, I didn’t make a huge deal about it, she went on and on about it for a while but now she doesn’t even mention it. I don’t think she really knows what she is, she has Aspergers and finds the whole “relationship” thing confusing. I have always told her that I’m happy if she’s happy and I don’t mind who she brings home when she’s older.

I wouldn’t make any fuss about it, I think it’s often just a stage of them finding themselves also mixed with a bit of “it’s cool to be different”.

If she's pan, she's pan. She might change her mind, she might not. Exploring your sexuality is natural during adolescence.

Exploring sexuality is normal. However being 11 and basically aware you cant set a boundary is worrying.

How at 11 does she know about the 73 genders she has to be inclusive of. And whos made her think she cant say no to any of them..

The mass of hormones point is very important to remember.

In early puberty children are fascinated by sex and a mass of desires they don't even recognise much less understand, yet still lack the emotional ability and cognitive insight (the "is this a good idea?" braking system that comes with adulthood) to make sense of those desires.

The trick is to acknowledge that the feelings are okay and normal while protecting them from the full complexities of adult sexuality, making sure it stays in their heads and doesn't get acted upon, and that they're protected from the consequences.

Mmmm glad my first sentence made sense. 😆 Idk what the “like” is doing there. I = it.

@SarahTancredi love the username btw!

I get that, but it's probably more that she just doesn't know how she feels at the moment and that's the identity that makes sense to her currently. It's not about not being able to say no, anyone can say no, she probably just isn't sure who she feels an attraction to. Or maybe she does! Who knows.