11YO DD has told us she's pansexual

[GarnishWithALemonTwist]

Not massively concerned about it, whether she is or she isn't, but just wondering if there's a book I can give her about being yourself, growing up, feelings and emotions, etc. She's be 12 in 3 weeks time.

11 year old child... I thought children of this age are nonsexual...

No they are not! Primary school aged children talk about fit actors in films they have seen, hot celebrities, schools have a boyfriend/girlfriend culture from pretty early on. I'd certainly kissed on the lips with a boy by end of Year 6. All the "popular" girls in the class had boyfriends by Year 5.

'Pansexual' really just means 'bi'. I don't see why people are clutching their pearls so tightly.

Or is the concern that she might turn into one of those awful trans people?

My 20 year old son recently declared he is pansexual.

So far, it seems to mean that he fancies and dates women but is able to recognise a good looking man.

I would agree with the others - monitor social media activity.

How at 11 does she know about the 73 genders she has to be inclusive of. And whos made her think she cant say no to any of them.

Last time I looked there were over 120...

It's a meaningless word in reality.

But, at 11, I'd probably be a little concerned at what she's been exposed to.

Or is the concern that she might turn into one of those awful trans people?

In reality, most people know it means bi. And that's fine. But it's use suggests that she might be seeing/hearing things that are slightly less rooted in 'reality'.

Pansexual' really just means 'bi'. I don't see why people are clutching their pearls so tightly

Pansexual implies that you are also attracted to Non-Binary people who don't identify as either male or female. Even though they are a male or female. It's nonsense language.

It's the pressure - normalization really - to become sexual at earlier and earlier ages that's my worry dancingbear. How has feminism and equal rights for women become corrupted into becoming sexually available to as many as possible as early as possible?

Exactly @fecketyfeck21.

As for response I’m afraid mine would be ‘don’t be so bloody daft’

I understand what the "difference" is, I just don't accept it. Bisexual has always meant seeing the person rather than the sex/gender. I actually find it quite hurtful/offensive that people insist it is not and that "pan" is "more inclusive". However, that is not how it is seen by young teens now. Unless they are looking massively into gender stuff, which the majority of them are not, there are still three sexualities: Straight, which means what it always did, gay, which as you've said is complicated by the TRA stuff, and pansexual, which fills the space that bisexual used to occupy. Yes there are any number of patchwork identities in the midst of this, but essentially those are the three that most teens/preteens are likely to be aware of and use.

Or is the concern that she might turn into one of those awful trans people?

Yes, I think that is the reason for the alarm with some posters. If she had said "bi" my guess is that the responses would have been a lot more supportive. Mumsnet is not a good forum to mention anything to do with transgender people.

Great, she can be whatever makes her happy...

But I’d be concerned about what she’s reading to come to this conclusion. She’s come out as poly, not bi, which in itself gives you some idea. I’d be wondering, how sexualised is this content? How much coercion is there that one’s sexuality simply must be all inclusive otherwise you’re a hateful bigot?

I wouldn’t make a big deal of it but I would monitor what she’s looking at.

If my son at 11 said he was pansexual (or bi, in old money) he wouldn’t be having anymore sleepovers with anyone he might potentially be having sex with. So, no sleepovers. Would that bother your dd?
(My son is 11 and they move in and out of different “relationships” which mean no more so far than who you chat to on snapchat)

Or is the concern that she might turn into one of those awful trans people?

Don’t be so ridiculous. This is an 11 year old, the concern is what they’ve seen / read to come to this conclusion.

Doesn't the "pan" start differing from the "bi" because "pan" has the ability to start chipping away at the edges of age-related boundaries?

i.e. all genders, all ages.....

Agree with pp who say start keeping a closer eye on her online activities. It is definitely going to be amplified on there.

In love with my Le Cresuet 😂🤣🤣

Practically, I would find out what the term means to her and where it has come from

I assumed she must like Miles Cyrus and that’s where she heard the term. I think it’s simpler if it is part of admiration for a singer, actor etc so yes, good idea to ask her if there’s anyone else she knows who is pansexual too.

Children are getting "advice" from the kind of people my Nan would have chased off with a broom.

Advice to CEOs and trustees of children’s charities: Be more Ifnot’s Nan!

I see it as being a thing as they go into secondary, not unlike which band/music do you listen to. It's just another label to identify with as they form new friendship groups. Pan, for many I suspect, is saying I don't know, so I'm going with a bit of everything if I have to, to fit in. Obviously some will be more mature and have a clear idea.

Ha! I was extolling the virtues of our Le Creuset on the Spag Bol thread just yesterday - what does this mean about me?!

Honestly, this is just the current version of becoming goth or emo like we used to as young teens. Its kids expressing that they're having complicated and confusing feelings, don't feel represented by a rigid gender binary (as if anyone does!) and feel themselves to be deeper and more unique and more feeling than other people. I think there's way too much moral panic about it. Just be supportive, don't deny them their feelings, and don't make a big deal out of it. I give it 5 years max.

I heart my copper bottomed pans, Oliver.

it's just words, I'd ignore it whilst keeping an eye on what she's looking at online. I personally think there are some really grooming issues at play here with kids.

Yeah, my mother did the "that's nice dear" thing, and it made me feel as if I could never confide in her. I wish she'd listened to me.

Didn't Miley Cyrus just declare she was pansexual, right before she married an ordinary man.

I'm gonna guess that before being attracted to anyone kids choose to be pansexual because they are being kind an idealistic. They don't realise it doesn't actually work that way.

I have an almost 13 year old DSD. She ‘came out’ last year.
And then went back in again, having reached the next stage of puberty and realising that the crushes she had on older women were the admiring want-to-be-you kind (I had one on a female dentist aged 11ish), as opposed to the ‘tingles’ kind.

It’s a bit weird because it’s all very fashionable at the moment, they are hearing about sexualities before they have any genuine sexual attraction. It’s more like sitting under an LGBT sorting hat than actually feeling multiple sexual attractions.

And yes, I do worry about the conflict between this and body autonomy and the confidence to set and enforce appropriate boundaries.

My eldest is 18 and this was not a thing when he was in years 7-8-9.

Gosh when I was 11 I couldn’t even bring myself to indicate I knew people kissed let alone make any declarations about anything love/sex/adult related. However I did know from even younger that I was attracted to men. I used to lust after various grown men from a young age and despite being a total tomboy with no female friends at all till my trans (I wore my hair boy cut and teased the girls as part of a boy gang) I always knew I was a girl and that I was attracted to men. So I wouldn’t underestimate the ability of a child of any age to know who they are in relation to gender and sexuality. Having said that, kids will say anything to join in with stuff. I’d just show acceptance and support because they’ll grow out of the topic if it’s not a real truth for them. And if it is a real truth for them then you’ll have treated them correctly in the context of that.

Trans!!!! Typo! ‘Till my teens’ that should have said.

I don't know much about this, but I do know that the French singer Christine and the Queens describes herself as pansexual. I think she is a fabulous role model for all young women, regardless of their sexuality. This is her most well known song - Tilted: