11YO DD has told us she's pansexual

[GarnishWithALemonTwist]

Not massively concerned about it, whether she is or she isn't, but just wondering if there's a book I can give her about being yourself, growing up, feelings and emotions, etc. She's be 12 in 3 weeks time.

Year 7 into Year 8 (so 11-12) is the age this all kicked off in my daughter's friendship groups, so many of the children declared they were pan, bi, trans and so forth. I think roll with it. They may or may not find things different in the future, it's not clear. I don't think it helps to tell anyone they aren't something. Just listen. I don't know of any books relating to this but it's extremely common.

They’re under a lot of pressure to label themselves these days.

My 21 year old DD says if she were a parent she’d be a lot more wary of access to devices and social media for young teens now than I needed to be for her.

Have you had a good look at her internet enabled devices? I'd want to know where she got that word. Her being bisexual is fine but the word pansexual is very odd for an 11 year old

I don’t agree with most of what’s said above.

My dd isn’t obsessed with sex, she actually thinks it’s disgusting. She says she’s Pan but I would say she’s more likely to be A sexual as she doesn’t want anyone touching her (not even holding hands) 🤣. I don’t feel it’s anything about setting boundaries, my dd has lots of boundaries including no one standing too close to her.

My DC1 initially came out as Pan-romantic Asexual. Over the following years they've settled on "I'm just queer".

Tumblr can actual be useful (yes, really!) for helping young people to realise that they are not alone. I would supervise use at age 11 though.

The most important thing is that your DC knows that you love them no matter what.

Good lord

At 11, it generally means 'I don't fancy anyone yet, but it's mean to leave anyone out'.
^
This. She's 11 FFS.
Why are people so keen to prematurely age children? She's over a year away from even entering her teens. She can say she's a bloody vampire or a unicorn for all that means.
And pan sexual? There are 2 sexes to choose from so it means bi. Unless you're going to include animals.
Just tell her it doesn't really matter and she doesn't need to decide anything yet. Then turn off the wifi.

never the point is she shouldn't really be aware of this identity that specifically. That's the worry.

Theres an extremely rapey culture online from many tras telling kids this young that their sexuality is transphobic.

The kid arent coming up with this themselves. That's the worry. If these videos didnt exist then you could take it like when your kids say they wanna be vege and you know full well they will be eating pepperoni pizza by Wednesday

There is a real danger here this isnt from her and that needs exploring

Also, this seemed more of a girl thing, the boys were still not that interested (this changes around 13/14 obviously). A lot of this talk seemed very theoretical because they didn't really have any partners anyway, although quite a few girls have dated girls since then.

As to whether 11 is young, I certainly knew I fancied boys by that age (even if no clue or interest in following this up) and if the vocabulary was around to discuss it, I probably would have done. In top primary this absolutely isn't on the agenda, and by Year 7/8 it absolutely is. This can be a shock to some parents!

Meh. They're all pansexual at the moment OP.

One of DD"s mates boyfriend's propositioned my DD and said "I'm polyamorous"

RIght! So are most 16 year old boys love!

Take no notice. She might turn out to be bi, gay or straight but leave her alone with it at the moment. Just say "That's nice...let me know if you've got questions."

I'd be inclined to say, "How nice dear", too, maybe followed by, "Not something you have to think too much about right now". Then change the subject. I also had to look up 'pan sexual'! Thought it was something to do with a mythological god :-).

My daughter said she was pansexual aged 13 so I sent her this. She didn't find it funny so can't recommend it

I fell in love with a boy at 11 on a summer camp. Never spoke to him though! This is not the same.
I think I'm turning into a Northern matriarch like my Nan. I just feel like hoiking my bosom, glaring, and saying "don't be so fooking daft" at all this shite.
Parents validating it all (and by "it" I mean the online grooming of children to beleive they have to label their sexuality before theye have passed through puberty ) make children believe it's all real. When it's a load of sinister shite.
Children are getting "advice" from the kind of people my Nan would have chased off with a broom.

By then i had inklings i was bisexual. I didnt really know anything about pansexuality as it wasnt really heard of but would have probably used that phrase now. I just felt at that point that i could have kissed and was attracted to boys and girls

I wouldnt be too worried about the term, the labels the community use are evolving and it doesnt mean theres necessarily some huge trans influence on her. I would describe myself now as gay/queer and a mumsnetter told me that this was the "wrong term" and i was misogynistic and trying to erase lesbians

Bisexuality was quite a thing in my school. With some people it stuck and some people it didnt. It makes me laugh when people say (like posters up thread) "ah they were bisexual but now they have boyfriends" as if having a boyfriend excludes them from being bi. Spoiler i was once engaged to a man, but now am engaged to a woman. I loved them both

My personal view is that sexuality is a spectrum and we all sit somewhere on it. Some bi people might be far more into the oposite sex then the same sex or vice versa. When you're going through puberty youll experiment with all sorts of things due to hormones and maybe same sex urges are just part of that initial rush or prehaps they stick around.

Theres no way of knowing if this will be something that sticks, other than to be quietly supportive with whatever comes next.

I don't like the dismissive 'thats nice dear' I would say I will support you whatever you do but its important to be careful and get to know people before you start a relationship.

My 11 year old says shes pansexual too. I asked her if it was a fancy word for being bisexual, and she said that its slightly different in that gender doesnt matter at all, and you just like people for being people.
I told her thats literally what bisexual means. Still, its the trendy new word for it, and I just assume that it means you wouldnt discount trans people.
Im keeping my eye on it. All 3 of my children have said theyre either bi, pan or gender fluid at some point. Ive spoken to them about gender critical stuff, so hopefully they wont fall for the bullshit

I don't even know what pansexual is

I do think though (having worked with teens for decades) that they jump on various bandwagons as a means to giving themselves some identity or even to get attention, when in fact they don't really have a clue what they are feeling or saying.

How is pan just not bi?

lord

Because sexuality is now gender based not sexed based. Stonewall have re written the definition of homosexual for example.

This is all so men can be present in all forms of sexuality and being sex attracted lands u being called a genital fetishist.

This is alot more sisinister than people realise.

Yay to having a mother that she can come too, I think the main thing you can do is not to patronise her "yes dear!"
When my dc came to me we had a conversation that by the time she is 18 no one would (hopefully) need to determine who they are and who they like and just love for love.
Yes it might be a trendy thing at the moment but what she needs to know is that you love her regardless and can talk about anything.
Just continue to be there for her and keep the communication lines open - you are doing a great job! X

I can't hear the term "pansexual" without thinking of some goat man with a huge phallus leerily chasing a young shepherd through a field Benny Hill style.

So you can have a preference for ‘butch’ lesbians if you are a woman (I guess you can as a man but won’t get very far) or for macho men and that is ‘pan’.

Nope still bi to me.

Yup pan is all inclusive and that’s why it’s the one all the young kids are into to show how non conformist and all-accepting they are. 🙄
Heaven forbid sexuality actually includes an attraction based on sex and not gender!

IfNot has the answer:

I'm turning into a Northern matriarch like my Nan. I just feel like hoiking my bosom, glaring, and saying "don't be so fooking daft" at all this shite.
Parents validating it all (and by "it" I mean the online grooming of children to beleive they have to label their sexuality before theye have passed through puberty ) make children believe it's all real. When it's a load of sinister shite.
Children are getting "advice" from the kind of people my Nan would have chased off with a broom

Is she a fan of Dan Howell? He posted his coming out video yesterday. Its trending on youtube.