11YO DD has told us she's pansexual

[GarnishWithALemonTwist]

Not massively concerned about it, whether she is or she isn't, but just wondering if there's a book I can give her about being yourself, growing up, feelings and emotions, etc. She's be 12 in 3 weeks time.

I am so glad that I am well past that age. Life must be so confusing with the supposed need to "identify as" various persona and make life decisions that as a minor, they are emotionally unable to make.

What happened to pre-teenagers being well, pre-teenage? Where the most weighty thoughts should be "Wonder if I can get away with wearing nail varnish for school" "shall I wear the pink top or the red one to the disco" "hope mum buys me the same bag as Sarah's" etc. Tiny things that I remember taking up most of my attention as a child because that was all that mattered.

Not fussing about my sexuality! At 11!

11 year old child... I thought children of this age are nonsexual... how on earth does she even know what this shit is, really!

No @LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD
It is a term to include women who identify as men or “enby” (non binary- doncha know) who are attracted to women identifying as men but who grow beards and wear tutus. Or something... it’s literally a catch-all.

I'd be very concerned about where she was hearing those sorts of words. Do you monitor and restrict internet usage?

If she turns out to be gay, straight, bi whatever that's not an issue. The issue is an 11 year thinking they need to decide on these things now and "come out" and label themselves when 11 year olds are young children still. Not even teenagers.

Be careful she's not watching inappropriate youtube etc.

@IfNot

😂😂😂

She'll know because she's at secondary school

But she won't necessarily understand, IYSWIM, so a quiet unshockable and supportive response is best. Because right now she is confiding in you, and it's really important that she continues to do so. It'll become ever more important through the teen years.

It'll be impossible to tell right now if this is passing phase or settled preference. Keep communication open and wait and see.

@Isadora2007 my head hurts.

My son came out to me on his last day of primary school, he hasn’t swayed at all, however, if he had come out to me whilst at his secondary school I would be more inclined to believe his feelings might change as most of his class seem to be keen to grab a label and I might have felt he was just fitting in. He is now 14. Just tell her you love and support her no matter who she is or isn’t attracted to and leave it at that, that’s all she needs.

There’s a website called Tumblr which I’d be banning immediately
Agreed

Girls who like boys, who like boys who like girls... always someone you reallyyyyyy looooooooove

I wouldn't worry too much right now, I know a ton of 11/12/13 year olds who are 'pan' - it's a thing. It means you're not ruling out being attracted to anyone, male, female , non binary etc. Very trendy to be 'fluid' regardless of whether or not you actually are. Her hormones are raging and she 'll find her way eventually... In my experience 'pan' is the new bisexual, which is not cool at the moment, but she may not even be that.

I'd be very concerned about where she was hearing those sorts of words. Do you monitor and restrict internet usage?

My teens aren't on Tumblr and they would have known all about this by first/second year secondary, it's a big thing, they all talk about it but it's not about having sex at this stage, I see it more as being part of a gang/defining yourself as a bit different, whilst thinking who you might fancy. I think girls who are socialized into being kind and nice to everyone are particularly prone to define themselves as pan/bi because they want to include everyone (someone else said this upthread). Even if this 'inclusion' isn't really about forming full on relationships at that age.

So she's bisexual.

When I was young, everyone was desperate to avoid labels and be put in boxes.
It seems kids these days are desperate to label themselves.
DD has two friends, one who states she is pansexual (12) and the other asexual (14).
I told her being asexual at 14 isn't that unusual, since sexual awakening happens at different ages for different people, and that I myself was what was called at the time a "late developer".

Children can be aware of their sexuality very early and I just read that it can become more apparent from age 9. I would just be supportive and don't just brush it off like some posters are suggesting. That can be quite damaging to a child. I was aware that something was different with me when I was about 10. After years of ignoring it and hating it I realised that I fit into the Demisexual label. I don't advertise it but it explained alot of things that I didn't understand about myself.

It means that you've done a good job in reassuring her it's absolutely fine if she likes boys, girls, both, doesn't know, etc.

Essentially "pan" is the new cool trendy word for "bi".

I think it’s a bit patronising to just brush it off. It may have taken a lot for her to say this. She may have been struggling for a while...she may change her mind again, which is fine, but try not come across as if you are minimising her feelings otherwise you may find that she doesn’t tell you anything again.
I don’t know what Tumblr is but didn’t Miley Cyrus come out as Pansexual. I’m sure a few other celebs have also. Maybe that’s where she heard it? 🤷🏻‍♀️
Just let her know she is loved and it’s important to respect yourself and not just conform.

bertie it's really not.

Some of you need to look into what this stuff actually is.

Non binary peope dont identify as Male or female so bu sexuality would not include them.

This is symptomatic of online grooming into believing in gender identity, that biological men can be lesbians and there is no way of saying no to men without being exclusionary and transphobic.

If you arent worried you should be.

the world has gone totally mad. i'm getting a headache with this shit.

So basically she likes people.

It is far too early for kids of this age to be worrying about sexuality. Obviously they know the difference between girls and boys and there was always playing games with it, but it was never sexual within that age group when I was growing up. I find it alarming how sexualised Britain has become. Practically, I would find out what the term means to her and where it has come from.

Demisexual 🙄

I would listen to her take her and take her feelings seriously. Yes at her age these feelings may not be long term and may just be part of growing up but nothing will push her away more than immediately dismissing her feelings.

I think that this is a very common thing to say at 12 or 13 and while she might be a little young it suggests that she has slightly older friends rather than she uses social media. I would't worry about it although I would try to find out where she has got the word from. As for being "nonsexual" at this age, I certainly wasn't and neither were my children. Girls often have started puberty and periods a lot younger so why would they be "non sexual".