11YO DD has told us she's pansexual

[GarnishWithALemonTwist]

Not massively concerned about it, whether she is or she isn't, but just wondering if there's a book I can give her about being yourself, growing up, feelings and emotions, etc. She's be 12 in 3 weeks time.

Good grief some of the people here! 11 is a perfectly okay age to be aware of the word pansexual.

OP it's lovely your daughter is happy to be open with you like this. I'd suggest you support her, ask her to talk to you about how she feels so you better understand. Perhaps reach out to your local Pride chapter who will be able to provide you with some literature. Mostly just communicate with her and keep those lines open.

I may be wrong but I thought bisexual was just attracted to men and women.

Pansexual is attracted to men women, trans people and non binary people.

BeTheHokeyMan, the one does not exclude the other. I also spent my summers building dens- and being madly in love with a long list of boys. This btw was in the early 70s, no social media, and I was not one to be easily influenced by my peers. But I had already started my periods and had hormones.

I came to no harm because I understood quite well that this was not going anywhere. It is not bad at all to spend a few years thinking about these things before you are old enough to act on your thoughts.

The one thing that had harmed me happened a few years earlier where I was very nearly taken advantage of by an older boy because I did not understand the words he used and what he was asking for. I was very glad to think that this, at least, was not something that would be happening to my dd because she knew a lot more.

For books - it really is 'plus ca change' Seriously, in effect, Louisa Alcott (I love her) was addressing what used to be called 'growing pains' 150 years ago! See her An Old-Fashioned Girl - lovely book!

My 12 yr old and his friends spends their time building dens in the garden and whittling sticks and talking about Bushcraft god bless their innocence what is the world coming to at all where children are declaring their sexual preferences at 11/12 years of age

IMO boys come to this later than girls as the onset of their puberty is later. Many girls by 11/12 are having periods (some in primary school) so to deny they have hormones is a bit odd. That doesn't meant they are 'sexual' though or intending sexual activity. Also, surely by 11/12 some boys start having wet dreams, the word 'gay' is misused at school as an insult, I think it highly unlikely your boy has never ever thought for one second about these things.

Hide all your pans?!

Seriously through, i would be gently questioning this. Presumably this is her way of saying she likes both sexes, because, well, what else is there? Or she may actually be lesbian but find this very difficult to admit in today's lesbophobic culture. Maybe try and keep this window if communication open through regular low-pressure chats. It's good that she's confided in you, even if we know that being 'Pan' isn't really a thing.

FirstImpressions all the people you've just mentioned are either male or female. You do realise that don't you?

I should have said that he is fully aware of sexual stuff and we have many open and frank discussions about sexuality porn consent etc he certainly isn't babied or ignorant.All I was trying to say perhaps haphazardly was that there is time enough for kids/teens to decide on sexuality etc I just don't think that it's something a 11/12year old should even be thinking about never mind declaring it ! Maybe I am naive though and perhaps sheltered? I also understand that girls tend to mature faster than boys but my DD who is now 19 was playing Barbies and dressing up as Disney princesses at 11 .Don't get me wrong she was starting to show an interest in boys etc but certainly not making declarations of sexuality!

Is it the same as non binary? I'm getting rather confused and anxious I may inadvertently offend someone.

At 11 I'd assume the declaration is less about her sexuality and more about trying to fit in with a group.
So I'd be having a chat about boundaries, and reinforce her right to say no to things that make her uncomfortable - even if the rebellion is only in her head. She can nod along to keep the peace if she has to, without actually believing any of it.

I just want to say @PackingSoap I can't stop laughing at your post

If she's pan, she's pan.

Well, except that she isn't "pan," is she?

Because "pan" is not a thing.

I'm kind of shocked that people are questioning where she got this idea from and assuming she must be on Tumblr. Kids talk. Lots.

it's great that she's been able to tell you his, and, at 11, I don't think it's that unusual to be having thoughts about sexuality, and if she finds a range of people attractive, she may be most comfortable describing herself as this. I think it's dangerous to dismiss her thoughts and beliefs, simply because of her age.

Thinking about it, maybe it's preferable for young people to think of themselves as pansexual, until they get a stronger sense of their preferences. Keeping all options open as it were. At 11, sexuality will be explored in a hypothetical way, through fantasies, crushes, and chats with friends.

She may remain pansexual - great, or she may decide she is straight/gay/bi etc. Many of us will also change throughout our lives, so it's important that children grow up knowing that sexuality is not set in stone.

As it's Pride month, it's a great time to talk about things, and reassure her that whatever someone's sexuality, they have a right to be respected, valued and loved.

It’s not a new thing, ds has been talking about friends who are pansexual so on and so forth since about 12.

He’s 16 now and none of them mention it anymore

My 12 and 11 year old have no awareness of this and I’m jolly glad about it. I won’t be introducing them to the concept.

Don't get me wrong she was starting to show an interest in boys etc but certainly not making declarations of sexuality!

But if she was showing interest in boys and you knew about it, what would you have expected her to do if her interest was in girls? Lie about it? Keep it hidden from you? Because often that is all a "declaration of sexuality" is: "please understand that I feel this way and I don't want to have to hide and make things up in front of you".

When I was a teen I felt perfectly free to let all and sundry know that I was interested in a boy. But when I was interested in a girl I kept that very close to my chest. In my case not much of a problem as most of my crushes were on boys and I ended up finding my longterm male partner very young.

But if it hadn't been: if my most serious interests had been in girls, how long should I have kept pretending until people felt I was allowed to make a "declaration of sexuality"?

I think what us oldies tend to forget is that a declaration of sexuality isn't the same world-shaking thing it was when we were young. Bi is recognised, if you try one thing this year you are not stuck with never trying anything else and the cost of being gay is not quite the same as it was in the 1960s. But young people who do have feelings either way may still feel the need to check that they will be accepted whichever way they go.

'Gender identity' is what us old gimmers know as 'personality' ie different people like different things, and inanimate objects don't have a sex - or even a gender

What makes me angry is that children are being taught that they have one and it's all conflated with retrogressive stereotypes.

I'm kind of shocked that people are questioning where she got this idea from and assuming she must be on Tumblr. Kids talk. Lots

And where did the one talking about it first get it from?

Did it all just pop into tenor heads or has someone along the line tuned into the likes of riley Dennis who tells peope that genital preferences are transphobic or one of the many other peope on Twitter tumblr who encourage kids to DM them and remind them that peope are who they say they are or you are a bigot

People are messing with kids heads there is no doubt.

AngryLlama same here, my DS is 12.

My brain is fried with all this, it really is, and I’m a very broad minded 47 year old with lots of gay friends (Male and female).

LenizarLyublyu - yr 6 sex lesson left him confused and first I knew was he asked questions - they lumped trans and gay and lesbian in but failed to explain properly what they were and how it linked into his understanding then of sex and reproduction. Bi didn't been get mentioned.

Secondary pshe lessons and assemblies cover it now – I did ask and biology stuck to two sexes. I assume they meant genders not sexes but he was admadment they talked about different sexes.

He didn't think he could say anything in the lessons.

I'm with other posters - I don't actually think its helpful for an 11 year old to understand the term - Pan -sexual (TBH at 42 I don't really understand it)

I would be encouraging her to establish her own identity and reject the need to contain herself in a box. tell her its ok to be an individual and that her feelings at this age are going through massive changes and she will probably feel many different things over the next few years. All of them are OK, and changing feelings are OK too. That's why its important to stop her pigeon holing herself

At 11 her access to social media and the internet should be limited to sites you approve off. There's two many people on social media trying to recruit young impressionable people

And where did the one talking about it first get it from?

Siblings, friends, school, parents, internet. Could be any or all of those things.