Advice Clinic - Slatterns welcome

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Do you have problems? Is your life truly ridiculous, are you ridiculous? Please step inside our fully staffed advice clinic and we will cure all your ills. We have a clap nurse standing by for more intimate problems, don't be shy.

Newbie slattern here.

I have long, chimp-like arms. Sleeves are always too short. What can I do about this? (Apart from strategic shaving, obviously.)

I like the getting up machine thigh, there's got to be a strong market for that! Is there a way to get it to also put a fry up in your mouth too! Maybe in between first coffee and go coffee?

Well last night in the dark recesses of society (the other ones that aren't here Proj , just for clarity) I have found a homeless old man and a hipster so we now have feet for Thigh and a belly button plus some new bowels oh and one of the livers looked ok, can't remember which one so I took both! We also have a gall stone which will do as a weapon in the ZA.

I wanted the hipsters glasses because my eyesight is shit but soon realised they were actually just frames! Idiot! I killed him again for that!! I have his bike though if anyone can be arsed riding it?

Worm if it’s the hair, don’t worry, it will keep you warm and repel idiots. We all have a full pelt here. If your arms are cold, get elbow length gloves, or arm warmers, so you’ve got something to wipe your nose on.

The getting up machine will mainly be required in child sizes. We can test it on the DL.

Arm warmers are a brilliant idea this , we should all have them for when our slankets don't cover enough arm! Maybe just recycle old leg-warmers from the '80s?

Well get a move on thislido, I had to walk down the street and buy my coffee this morning

Frown did you get it in a cup or squirted into your gaping maw? Walk into coffee shops, grunt and point from now on.

Oh I do the grunting anyway. They throw it all over you then put whipped cream on your head.

I manage to lick the drips from my hair

What's the whipped cream for?

You know that's a sign of psychopathy don't you? Unnecessary coffee adornment.

I know what the whipped cream on hot chocolate is for. It's for lulling you into a false sense of security. You dip your spoon into the cream and get a taste of the hot chocolate and it's a perfect temperature. So you get greedy for the drink and burn your mouth. Happens everytime!

thigh, that's for you to lick off

They're being kind

@thislido Brilliant. The arm warmers will stop the snot from matting into my fur, thereby alleviating the need to shave.

I thought the point of whipped cream on hot chocolate was to encourage competition: everyone opens their mouth as widely as possible, hoping to cover the ring of the cup and slurp the cream in one. Hippos always win. Anteaters huff off and refuse to join in because they say the odds are stacked against them.

I have an important announcement. There are NO CHILDREN in my house. The DL is obviously making his way back from thigh’s and screamy daughter has gone away with some people who don’t speak English. I don’t really know when she’ll be back because of the language barrier.

What should I do??

I am definitely a hippo wormentude. Screw the anteaters.

paaartaaaay!!!

Put it on Facebook and await the hoardes to arrive. Dig out the vodka, condoms, sequined catsuit and party poppers

Oh. DL is back soon. Sus that then, he might get a shock (though praps he had worse at thigh's)

The DL walked in and quietly vomited on the floor. What did you do to him thigh?

Shall I tell you what I did with my precious free hour?? I rode through the streets on a tiny pink child’s scooter. Was collecting from somewhere and it seemed silly to walk. I think this has cemented my reputation in this tiny conservative village as mental.

I am wearing my sequinned catsuit frown. The DL told me to take it off because he says it makes me look like Freddy Mercury. He doesn’t understand that that’s the whole point.

Were you wearing said catsuit on the pink scooter?

Ah, shit. No. Missed an opportunity to freak out the neighbours there. I was wearing a mac, a la Bruce Willis in Glass, though, so prob suitably thinister.

Imagine Bruce Willis coming toward you on a tiny pink scooter. FUN.

Pssst @thislido I fulfilled our dare

Oh soz Proj re vomit, I did tell DL not to mix his drinks and drive. Has he nicked my Kia Rio?

Frown re the dare, screenshot or it didn't happen.

If you're trying to obtain TL's approval you have to try harder than that. She plays hard to get.

Frown re the dare, screenshot or it didn't happen.

If you're trying to obtain TL's approval you have to try harder than that. She plays hard to get.

thigh really, oh I found her quite easy? Perhaps she's resilient to your myriad -nurse rachet charms.

I'd better shut up before I end up in the organ bucket..