Advice Clinic - Slatterns welcome

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Do you have problems? Is your life truly ridiculous, are you ridiculous? Please step inside our fully staffed advice clinic and we will cure all your ills. We have a clap nurse standing by for more intimate problems, don't be shy.

Who is Dark Lord? Have we got a man in here?

My dogs ony get dog shampoo,

phones RSPCA

My dogs have spray on conditioner, they hate it.

Frown the Dark Lord in Training is Proj's son. The only child in the world that I feel an affinity with.

My dogs have spray on conditioner, they hate it. oh! Who does that?

I can’t bath my demented dog as he has a fur in the bath years ago and now turns into a savage beast. He’s a very challenging rescue. I put two plastic containers in the back yard, one with clear water and one soapy. I drop him in one, then he attacked the bath, spins around in circles snapping and bitting. He’s like a furry washing machine.

When he pauses for breath, I quickly grab him and put him it the clean water, where it is rinse, repeat. Lift him out and stand back.

Do you want to swap dogs, Thigh?

Fit in the bath..

Paper plates. But with sausage rolls you probably don’t need that. Make them eat outside because of crumbs, unless you’ve got a dog.

The main issue is why are you having 20 to your house? Why do they want to eat your food? Don't they have their own? Meet them at a drive thru McDonalds and pay for everyone. Don't get out of your car.

Sucks no thanks. My dogs stand stock still in the bath, frozen in place.

It's my girl child's birthday, so we will have assorted friends and relations there. I have no catering prepared except the birthday cake. But we do live near a McDonald's. 🤔

Regan
Invite them over as usual then when they arrive kill them all. I know the clean up is messy but you don't have to listen to them moaning about the crap food or whether you've dusted the skirting board or other shit.

Oh cross post! Probably don't kill children, that's going a bit far perhaps.
You could lock them up in a cupboard until they promise to go home and tell their mums and dads that they had a lovely time and ate delicious food

I am currently lying on the living room sofa feeling exhausted but I need to get out of my work uniform. Said exhaustion prevents me from walking to my bedroom where my pjs reside. Should I just strip off in the living room or lie here until its time to get up to go to work again? As a side note, I have a dh on hand for any useful suggestions that may involve him.

Happy could you sleep on the sofa in your work uniform and continue to wear it until your next shift?

I can guess what DH would suggest...

Invite thigh, the more the merrier

In fact DH would probably be most obliging and helpfully dress you both in Ann Summers nurses outfits so you can role play advice clinic from the sofa

Splendid idea frown, but alas my bladder has betrayed me and I had to grudgingly travel all the way to the bathroom to expel the contents. I also took the extra effort to retrieve my pjs and change into them, killing any opportunity of a sofa strip off. I read your idea to dh and he was most impressed, pity about the traitorous organ.

We’re all let down by our traitorous organ now and again, happy

The house is so quiet without the dark lord. I just pulled his warhammer out of the plasterwork and let out a little sigh.

He likes to wear his diamond knuckledusters to bed, thigh and his bedtime reading is generally something by Thomas Harris.

Oh, and if he asks you to pull his finger, for the love of god, don’t do it.

Proj we've been pulling each others fingers all day long. We're also making a lot of fart noises with slime and we're currently planning a night raid.

Shhhh Proj, you're ruining his street cred! He seems cute now and not so much dark lord

It’s rained in Scotland for days and days and days. One dry day on Friday and my DH (who doesn’t keep well) strimmed the 3 foot tall grass in the back garden (I did all the weeding round the rest of the garden and raked up all the strimmings!). He managed about a quarter of the garden and had to give up. He’s now too sore to do the rest. Now the front is just as bad. Is The whole village calling us slatterns. I have no tonic for my gin as I was too ashamed to go out and be seen today.

Thigh, you could erect a satanic alter for the dark lord to perform his unholy practices on just by that monstrosity your neighbours have built. I reckon a couple of cockerel sacrifices should put paid to the jolly children playing in it and peering into your garden.

Oh god yes. The DL would have the climbing frame up in smoke before you could blink.

Molly lawns are difficult. Can you pour bleach over it until it stops growing?

Molly this is clearly a euphemism for swinging. This is why you are talking about it being well lubricated and your husband is embarrassed at only being able to manage a quarter of the neighbourhood. (Likely story.)

Give him some energy drinks and tuck into the medicinal crystal meth.