Advice Clinic - Slatterns welcome

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Do you have problems? Is your life truly ridiculous, are you ridiculous? Please step inside our fully staffed advice clinic and we will cure all your ills. We have a clap nurse standing by for more intimate problems, don't be shy.

Proj I shared my recipe for walkaway tea previously, TL is a convert and would be dead without it.

Ingredients:

Tea bag
Some milk
Hot water

Equipment:

Kettle
Mug

Method:

Pour water on tea bag and milk. Pick up mug and walk away without waiting for it to become the correct colour.

Stir with pen later if super fancy.

What's with the fucking adverts? They're massive, they move and they're in the middle.

They can cunt off if they think I'm paying £800 to stay at Hotel du Vin. Is that for a month?

Crikey thigh that’s kind of blown my mine.

My ads are telling me to shave

MIND. I don’t have a mine.

Found a sailor. I pumped him full of hallucinogenics first so he thought he was mating with a wibbling pink and yellow sea anaemonae. What will the children look like?!

Anyway I left him there gibbering thinking he was on a death ship and returned home to my nettle tea err litre bottle of vodka.

What have you cretins been up to? I shall have a peruse

Proj Johnny doesn't recommend shaving, apparently you sometimes find children down there

Frown I feel you're getting the hang of this now.

We should trawl MN, shoehorning in the phrases "mine blowing" and "that's blown my mine" wherever possible, that kind of malapropism really pisses of the pedants.

Ok. You start.

Frown well done! Good work!

Me? I'm just whoring my way through the night trying to earn a bob! I think I do better with the really filthy fuckers!

Hope it's a good night, DT!

Why thank you this if I get to claim any organs I shall bring them straight to the bucket!

Has anyone seen the bucket lately? I could do with new feet but only if someone has given it a swill recently. Did we find a taker for the cat cock?

Been watching a programme on cults - Children of God. I took notes.

I wonder when they will make a documentary about us.

TL I'm quite surprised that there hasn't been an uproar yet. No one has noticed us, most of MN haven't given us more than a cursory glance. They're off their rockers, this is the only place to be.

I'm slim for the first time in my life. I'm firm and toned and, honestly, quite gorgeous. My problem is my fantastic summer wardrobe. I cant wear it because of the bollocking, sodding rain!! I'm so sad and disappointed about this.

Dangly I thought this was the dark recesses of society? Anyway, you can leave my dark recesses alone.

Ma take off all of your clothes and run out into the rain. There was a song once that suggested this was a fun thing to do. Report back on how it went.

Ma congrats on thin loveliness. Take a lot of photos then change back into a slanket and lie down.

What DT will get up to, I'm waiting with baited breath!?

Proj sorry but I'm vacating the adoption order. It was super funz but the chanting, black candles and hooded figures were a bit much. My supplies of rohypnol have really gone down and I woke up on a conveyor belt heading for a wood chipper.

I've made him a lot worse, soz.

He's really bright though and is very focused.

Sorry I got distracted by the word bun and went off to find one I could eat. Perfectly acceptable breakfast.

Park and ribeana it is!

I'm designing an invention, inspired by Dark Lord's conveyor belt.

It's a hair and body preparation device. You step on almost dead, filthy, pre-coffee. You hold on and close your eyes and open your mouth.

You are blasted from all sides with hot, soapy water and shampoo and conditioner and coffee is sprayed into your mouth.

The device then, fairly violently, dried your hair and pummels your clothes onto you. As you step off the belt it thrusts your keys and handbag plus a go-cup of coffee into your hands (make sure they're open).

The machine then kicks you out of the house and locks the door behind you.

Cruel, but necessary.

Bee if any children approach you during this party perfect these two words No and Go (they're similar so less stress). Do it in a really flat voice without looking at them.

I'm not going to use the device on myself, just market it to people who care.