I would like to help you, don't be afraid

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I'm unfettered by either knowledge or training. Please step inside my friendly advice clinic staffed with a team of kindly agony aunts.

Can’t we just use our looks to get into Hollywood? With our facial tattoos and luxuriant body hair, we’d give Kate winslet a run for her money.

That could work Project.

So we'll head off to Hollywood together in our dreams tonight and all shag both Leonardo and Wesley and then each keep a log of their manly measurements.

We all have to do it so there's no margin for human error.

We'll have the answer by the end of the tour!

I like the theory of shagging Wes (although unfortunate connotations arise from saying that as my dog is called Wes) and Leo. But the reality would be too much effort. So I'm wondering if I could buy a roomba and use that to shag them on my behalf?

I had a terrible day yesterday - my eyeliner pencil needed sharpening but the sharpener wouldn't do it It was terribly puzzling as the pencil fitted in the hole and everything. I gave up after ten seconds in the end and went back to bed.

noway the Roomba doesn't have enough attachments for shagging. You need something like this.

noway were you turning it the right way?

I hate that No ! What do is give up and rely upon the tattoos of my thisters faces on my face to make me look pretty.

Would your roomba be capable of measuring the cocks accurately? If so it's an idea!

dangly check photo of attachments. Ideal for measuring cocks etc. Remember Nothing sucks like an Electrolux

Sounds like it will do a better job than us!! Ok let's all just send roombas instead of ourselves to find out the answer to the time-honoured question of: Who has the larger cock, Leonardo DiCaprio or Wesley Snipes?

Soon the world will have the answer it's been waiting for!!

Oh that's a relief! I wasn't keen on shagging either of them.

It's ok wax we've solved it now. We don;t have do do anything at all! We can just lie down and wait for our hotdog masks in peace!

I think it might be interesting if we try Wes and Leo with both the Roomba and pooter's machine. There's bound to be some useful data we can, um, use.

Re my eyeliner trauma - slankets and gin were instrumental in my coming to terms with things.

Shall we collect and sell their sperm whilst we’re at it? The vacuums should be handy for that.

I'm quite keen on doing the science based shagging. But I'm not travelling or getting changed, or washed. Could someone let them know I'm available please? I can't be arsed.

Thislido interesting, sperm kidnap you say? Lucrative.

No haven't you had "active listening" eyes tattooed on your eye lids yet? It's so useful for catching up on naps.

My ‘active listening’ eyelid tattoos are modelled on the Mona Lisa.

Is she asleep Thislido?

Perhaps they'll find it refreshing that a fat old slag is begrudgingly prepared to shag them if they make all the effort.

Would that truly be the nadir of my laziness?

Not enough is done to celebrate the nadir, always overshadowed by that pesky zenith.

Are you suggesting that the Mona Lisa was actually asleep and her famous eyes are in fact tattoos? Truly she has had the last laugh.

Actually, she probably got Leonardo to do it, so it matched the rest of the painting. That's why nobody noticed, until now.

There are some keen minds in thighland, lido

Perhaps we could be hired out to solve mysteries? I've always fancied being an armchair detective.

I reckon I could be a sofa detective Caroline I can find out loads from here!