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Original poster

I would like to help you, don't be afraid

999 replies

pineapplebryanbrown · 10/04/2019 18:24

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I'm unfettered by either knowledge or training. Please step inside my friendly advice clinic staffed with a team of kindly agony aunts.

OP posts:
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54
HighlandWorrier · 10/04/2019 18:31

Been lurking around the clinic a while but today I post...What can I do about my kids they have been awful today, maybe it's a full moon I don't know but the youngest has trod sand all over the house and been generally demanding. Then a friend from overseas who is visiting family came to see us and DD turned up a notch and was like the brat from hell and we hardly got chance to converse. As soon as friend left she was back to being sweet child. Oldest is nearly a teen and being generally disrespectful, have heard him swearing and when I pull him up he mutters under his breath that I am hearing it wrong. To top it off even the dog gets in on the act and decided to poo right outside the ice-cream shop then tread in it making clean up difficult, luckily had wet wipes handy. DH is now home from work to a mad house. Should I reach for a bottle of something strong or take a bath or any other suggestions?

Palominoo · 10/04/2019 19:32

My pug wanted me to buy him a flat cap today but I said no.

It’s the slippery slope to him barking in a northern accent and wanting to eat Hovis Bread and Eccles cake.

How can I stop being such a snob?

I would like to help you, don't be afraid
Grumpyoldblonde · 10/04/2019 19:34

I quite fancy Nick Knowles, am I beyond help? Even your great knowledge and experience must get stretched sometimes.

MidnightBlue28 · 10/04/2019 19:48

Grumpy I am sure there will be a Fuckboy down by the river who looks just like him... one night will either kill or cure you!

Grumpyoldblonde · 10/04/2019 20:01

Ooh, take me to the river

ReginaGeorgeous · 10/04/2019 20:07

I love Chinese food. Used to really look forward to my Saturday night takeaway. However, my inconsiderate husband has gone and got himself diagnosed with coeliac disease.

If I have a takeaway now, I feel guilty eating it around him and furthermore, my order alone costs less than the minimum charge for delivery, which means I have to stop lying down and travel 300m to the end of my road to collect it.

Should I LTB?

Grumpyoldblonde · 10/04/2019 20:13

Ooh, take me to the river

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 10/04/2019 21:40

Here come the Agony Aunts, brace yourselves.

OP posts:
thislido · 10/04/2019 21:43

Regina just order two portions. I'm sure your 'husband' wouldn't want you to suffer.

thislido · 10/04/2019 21:46

Highland we have recently seen success with sending children to be raised by local foxes. Is that an option?

DanglyTassles · 10/04/2019 21:48

Palominoo bung him a fiver and tell him to go shopping himself. He shouldn't be bothering you so much when you need a lie down.

If he gets something you don't like tell him to go and live next door.

Nowaypast · 10/04/2019 21:49

pooter how does "foxy mother* sound as a working title? Lot of effort but if I can afford gin it might be worth it. All thighland inhabitants would obviously be entitled to sneak previews.

Nowaypast · 10/04/2019 21:49

Regina don't worry about him, he'll be fine :)

Nowaypast · 10/04/2019 21:50

😚

DanglyTassles · 10/04/2019 21:50

Highland here in Thighland we love little children so much we have our own childcatcher thislido, she can come round and relieve you of the whole problem with her large net.

Your life will then be peaceful and trouble free.

thislido · 10/04/2019 21:50

Pal your dog's face suggests he's just humouring you.

Nowaypast · 10/04/2019 21:51

Oh I didn't mean to post that. I was composing a reasoned and considered reply to Grumpy's terrible affliction re Nick Knowles and somehow I got carried away

Nowaypast · 10/04/2019 21:52

Dangly, this has moved on from nets to jam. Hth.

DanglyTassles · 10/04/2019 21:53

Regina if your husband is more bother than he's worth (and it does sound like he's outstayed his welcome) we have some excellent body disposal ideas in our latest catalogue for your perusal.

thislido · 10/04/2019 21:53

I think my Centre Parcs compounds are still full, Dangly. I don't intend to check. So much noise. As they turn on each other I expect the populations to naturally decrease.

fourquenelles · 10/04/2019 21:53

Regina Sunday morning breakfast of cold Chinese spare ribs is the food of the Gods and can be consumed in bed out of the container. Order breakfast at the same time you order your Saturday dinner. You can eat this in bed too whilst telling your DH that you are letting him have full control over the telly in the front room. Result.

KnitterOfSocks · 10/04/2019 21:54

I am supposed to be packing for holiday tomorrow. Instead I am drinking a pint of G&T and watching Line of Duty.

Help me!

DanglyTassles · 10/04/2019 21:55

Highland I do apologise, instead of nets (and boiling oil) thislido is now using hot jam to dispose of annoying children.

Shall we get you booked onto her schedule?

KnitterOfSocks · 10/04/2019 21:55

Also despite having a perfectly acceptable husband I am in serious lust with Martin Compston. What do I do?

CarolinePooter · 10/04/2019 21:55

ANNOUNCEMENT due to being drunk I alleged that Romulus and Remus were raised by foxes so that would be fine. Well, Social Services have been banging on my door to alert me to the true fact that I meant WOLVES. They say foxes are actually a no no. I strenuously object to their speciesism, I thought where's the harm. But apparently I must retract my previous statement and warn people about foxes.