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Original poster

feel awful, I look at my 17 year old and feel hate.

443 replies

Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 21:32

I feel like an absolute failure as a parent. I shouldn’t feel this way about my son, I look at him and just feel rage and it shouldn’t be this way. I feel so sad about it. I really do. I wish I knew how to change things.
I have 2 other children who I feel only love for, but with DS1 I just feel anger, he’s selfish, lazy and downright nasty at times. He’s making my younger Children’s life’s hell. He doesn’t respect our home, he makes an absolute mess and won’t clear it up. He’s been chucked out of college due to non attendance. He works so there’s that, but it’s hell to live with him, his attitude is disgusting. I dislike him, his views are horrible, I can’t even have a conversation with him because of his racist, sexist, homophobic views. He refuses to pay rent. He won’t even clean up his own room. I feel like giving up, been sat here crying for the last hour as I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at the point where I would be happy for him to leave.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 21:41

I can’t leave him in the house alone as he sets fire to paper and stuff, then tries to downplay it saying it’s only small bits of paper, I blow it out.
His college wanted his to go for an asd assesment but he refuses to come to the doctors.
Yesterday I had virgin media at my door to install internet as he had tried to change my provider against my knowledge, all he could say was well he wants virgin. I told him if he wants things his way then he can go live alone then, but oh no he doesn’t want that. But I’m at the stage of doing it, however crap I’ll feel about it.
I don’t want to feel this way about my son but I’m just done.

OP posts:
Vintagewannabe · 03/04/2019 21:47

I didn’t want to read and run but I’m not sure I can offer any constructive advice. My son is nearly 17 and he is selfish and lazy too. Sometimes his attitude stinks but he doesn’t sound as troubled as your son.

I hope someone comes along to offer you advice as you sound as if you’re at yours wits end. Sending hugs FlowersCake

KMoKMo · 03/04/2019 21:51

I don’t have advice either but can hear the desperation in your post. I’m so sorry things are so bad for you.
I hope you get some better advice. Is there anyone he trusts and gets on with who could talk to him and explain how you’re feeling?
Flowers

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Igmum · 03/04/2019 21:53

I don't have advice either but lots of love and hugs to you OP. So sorry you're going through this 💐💐💐

sandi2019 · 03/04/2019 21:57

So sorry xx I'd be tempted to tell him that, unless 'X' changes, he'll be leaving your home the day he turns 18.

Calzone · 03/04/2019 21:57

Is his dad around?

What does he say?

If not, could he go and live with him for a while?

bluebell34567 · 03/04/2019 22:00

op i feel for you. if you read threads on Teenagers section you may find similar situations. my dc is very hard atm, too.
i think friend groups affect them.
if you have someone who he would listen, make them talk to him.
i hope these years will pass without anything bad happening.

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 22:02

calzone We tried his dad having him for a while, he couldn’t live with him and the way he is, so he’s back with me, so no, that won’t work. It didn’t help that in the time he was with his dad he cleared out one of his bank accounts, almost £3000 and shows absolutely no remorse 😥
KmoKmo he honestly would not care one bit about how I or anyone else was feeling unfortunately.
I’ve actually been considering ringing social services but know they won’t offer much help with a 17 year old.
I’ve even looked into supported housing for him, then feel shit about even considering it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 22:10

He’s at work right now, and I feel guilty for feeling how relaxing and settled it has been all evening for me and also the kids, my 12 year old has asd and has been really struggling with how things are at the minute,and I feel really bad about it all. just feels like a constant state of stress and arguing and an awful atmosphere at home right now.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 03/04/2019 22:17

He stole 3k. He should be dealing with the police. Setting fire to paper that is a red flag to me. I would also discuss that with the police. I would be very frightened to be honest. He needs to go.

WithLotsOfSprinkles0 · 03/04/2019 22:23

Sounds like you've done your best.

I couldn't imagine flinging my son out but seems like it's the only option.
I would look into supported housing for him or house share or something.

He needs to know your serious, he will pull at your heart strings but u need to it.

Maybe once he realises what a dick he's been, he'll come back.

You have to be cruel to be kind.

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 22:26

I really really want him to leave. He has no emotion when you take things up with him, he doesn’t care, either that or he can’t show it. I’ll ring social services tomorrow but don’t expect they will be any help.
Then I feel guilty because he doesn’t do drugs, drink, hang around on street corners etc and then feel bad because I know others have much much worse to deal with.
It’ll break my heart to try and make him leave. I just don’t know what else I can do.
I really really don’t like the way I feel about him at the moment, you’re meant to like your child, love them. I do love him but at the moment I also hate him and how he is. And I don’t know how to help him or change things other than to tell him to go.
What sort of parent feels this way about their son?

OP posts:
happyhillock · 03/04/2019 22:35

I'm afraid i'd be showing him the front door, he needs to be taught a lesson, once he has had to stand on his own feet he'll be back, but only on your terms, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, Good Luck

justasking111 · 03/04/2019 22:36

You need to protect your other children from him. He is seriously disturbed imo.

MumUnderTheMoon · 03/04/2019 22:42

Yes, I think ringing social services is the best place to start, check the legal ramifications for evicting him. You need to make sure it won't qualify as abandonment if you take him to the council with his belongings. You wouldn't let a stranger treat you, your other kids or your home like that so you can't tolerate it from him. I also think that the theft of money should be reported to the police. I'm sure this feels awful for you but you have to act in the best interests of your younger kids.

MrsAmaretto · 03/04/2019 22:44

Phone Social Work. If you are in Scotland they will help, if you are in England or Wales you must have Adult Social Workers?

justasking111 · 03/04/2019 22:47

You can go to your GP and discuss your sons behaviour, he may be able to help you in other ways and generally be of help to you.

justasking111 · 03/04/2019 22:48

Please tell social services about the fires he lights, that will make them pay attention in particular.

Molly333 · 03/04/2019 22:48

Does anything motivate him?

TheGodmother · 03/04/2019 22:50

Have a look at the "Does having a teenager affect your MH thread"

We're on there waiting to hold your hand.

Had he always been like this?

purpleboy · 03/04/2019 22:53

I think you need to be tougher with him.
What did you do about him trying to change to virgin?
Where does he get the lighters from?
He refuses to pay rent, it's your house your rules. Tell him if he doesn't start following the rules he can find himself somewhere else to live, but you have to be prepared to follow through, an empty threat is no good.
Where does he get his Raciest etc.. attitude from?
Have you tried contacting your local mental health service, they might be able to offer more advice. Thanks

OldAndWornOut · 03/04/2019 22:54

You can still support and love him, even if he does have to move out.
It wouldn't be the end of the world, and given his behaviours, it wouldn't be unreasonable.

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 22:54

molly the only thing tht motivates him is his obsession with planes etc, he wants to be a pilot, spends all his spare time since aged ten on flight simulators etc.
He has delusions that he’s gonna he a pilot, fine, however with no GCSEs he won’t. When gcse results came in, he was living with his dad, and he lied to both of us saying he had passed all with 7s. After a meeting with college found I out he got U’s as he refused to even open the papers.
He has always been such a very intelligent boy, I just don’t get him. He said it was strategic so he could redo them and get better grades as he knew he hadn’t revised enough to get those grades and knew he would be able to redo free of charge if he hit less than a 4.

He’s a master manipulator though so is will all he rubbish. He lives in a fantasy land.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 22:57

thegodmother yes he has been like this for a long time. Aged ten his primary school referred him to camhs which came to nothing and then again aged 12 at secondary, both schools believed he had asd, camhs basically said he has social communication difficulties and obsessive behaviours but he’s an intelligent boy so we will leave it for now. Not in so many words but that’s the impression I got. I wish I had pushed camhs to look further into it. It may not be asd, who knows, but his behaviour isn’t typical that’s for sure.
Either way whether he does or doesn’t have any additional needs, he is an intelligent boy and needs to learn that life doesn’t always go how he wants it to. Other people matter too

OP posts:
HotpotLawyer · 03/04/2019 22:58

He doesn’t sound typical.
I wouldn’t throw him out with no plan and no support structure.
Was there no indication of possible ASD before college?

Where have his views come from! Does he mix with horrible friends who peddle that shit?

Life does sound very hard OP, but personally I would want to know how far he can help how he is.