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Original poster

feel awful, I look at my 17 year old and feel hate.

443 replies

Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 21:32

I feel like an absolute failure as a parent. I shouldn’t feel this way about my son, I look at him and just feel rage and it shouldn’t be this way. I feel so sad about it. I really do. I wish I knew how to change things.
I have 2 other children who I feel only love for, but with DS1 I just feel anger, he’s selfish, lazy and downright nasty at times. He’s making my younger Children’s life’s hell. He doesn’t respect our home, he makes an absolute mess and won’t clear it up. He’s been chucked out of college due to non attendance. He works so there’s that, but it’s hell to live with him, his attitude is disgusting. I dislike him, his views are horrible, I can’t even have a conversation with him because of his racist, sexist, homophobic views. He refuses to pay rent. He won’t even clean up his own room. I feel like giving up, been sat here crying for the last hour as I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at the point where I would be happy for him to leave.

OP posts:
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shiningstar2 · 03/04/2019 23:36

Please don't make him leave op. You say he doesn't show emotion ...he could be depressed ...or suppressing emotion because he doesn't know
how to deal with the way you feel about him. He will definitely sense it even without rows or being open about it.

If he has dropped out or been thrown out of college his self esteem will be very low.
The trying to change to Virgin seems very strange but lots of teenagers have messy rooms.Is there a stepdad on the scene? If so how is his relationship with him? It is awkward for you if the whole household is happier when he isn't in it but lots of 17 year olds have issues to work through and you say he isn't drinking or on drugs.

Is there any compromise you can come to? Maybe staying with Grandparents for a while? He sounds very unhappy and if he is made to leave at 17 it could impact on his future in major ways.

It must be awful for you but how often do we read on these boards of Mumsnetters themselves who were hard work at 17 but came good in the end. Hope you can either ride it out or find some not too drastic solution. Good luck.

DishingOutDone · 03/04/2019 23:38

OP have you spoken to Young Minds to see what your options are? Try their Parent Helpline tomorrow; it sounds like ASD of some sort but you can't go on like this you need to try to protect your other kids:

youngminds.org.uk

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 23:41

shiningstar2 I know. I left home at 16 and it didn’t end well, which is why I’m reluctant to do it to him. It just feels so hopeless right now, everything does.

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Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 23:43

shiningstar2 no stepdad or anyone. Just me and his 2 brothers here. It actually got to the point where my 7 year old was being picked up and dropped off by his school as I couldn’t leave DS1 here alone to drop DS3 off. I’m very thankful for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 23:44

dishingoutdone I’ve never heard of them but I’ll have a look now. Thankyou

OP posts:
Legofriday · 03/04/2019 23:46

OP, I'm also going to say please don't throw him out. I agree the fire starting is terrifying, and I would be worried about him being groomed by right wing groups. I think you need urgent help with both of those, but that help needs to be framed in terms of him very likely being autistic. The inappropriate responses, obsessional interests, totally crumpling at exams, but being able to manage at work - plus having an autistic sibling and so many others pointing to it - all suggest you need to tackle these with autism in mind first and foremost.

I think the rest of it - horrid views, messy room, no rent - is just in the annoying category. Deal with it later. Focus on the dangerous stuff.

It's so hard for you, and so hard for him too.

Toseland · 03/04/2019 23:46

Pull the plug on the internet in your house and take him for a fire station visit for starters.

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 23:50

toseland tried the internet thing, his dad pays for his mobile data though so can’t control that. Fire station visit id love to do but he won’t come, unless they would come here I can’t do that.

OP posts:
Legofriday · 03/04/2019 23:51

Our camhs has an urgent helpline. Can you check your local service and see if they have the same?

If you were able to get him diagnosed it should open additional help. Some of that can be payments to give you a break, which you desperately need.

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 23:53

legofriday I know and that’s what makes it so hard. I know I’m my heart he’s autistic and gets obsessions with things. And I feel like that’s why he seems so emotionless. But I don’t know what I can do if he refuses all help. He should have got this diagnosis years ago.

OP posts:
ScarletBitch · 03/04/2019 23:54

Drag his arse to the Police and let them deal with him. First off theft of £3000 is shocking, but he also committed fraud when setting up and changing your Broadband without your consent. If he wants to be the big I am let him get treat like it down at the Police station.

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 23:55

legofriday camhs apparently can’t do anything without his say so now he’s 17. He agreed when at Connexions to go but has now changed his mind. Or I’d be there yesterday.

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Worried2019 · 03/04/2019 23:56

You could have him sectioned? Have you considered this? Could really help

Toseland · 03/04/2019 23:59

I think he’s really struggling and you and/or someone you know have to give him a helping hand or two and just try to ignore the annoying stuff for now and tackle them as it gets better.

TheFatberg · 03/04/2019 23:59

You can't just have someone sectioned FFS.

Palaver1 · 04/04/2019 00:00

You know he has additional you will have to get Camhs involved .hopefully a label will be given as well and I use this term very loosely all what you have described in my opinion is a high functioning ASC child his needs most likely missed due to the fact his verbal
Adolescent years are the hardest.

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 04/04/2019 00:00

worried2019 I really don’t think they would section him, he’s a clever lad of sound mind, just with some seriously fucked up views.

OP posts:
Worried2019 · 04/04/2019 00:01

@TheFatberg A family member can actually! If they are seriously concerned about the mental health of a family member. The fire starting the possible Neo-Nazism. They would also diagnose his ASD without him needing to agree to an assessment.

Get your facts right Fatberg

Worried2019 · 04/04/2019 00:03

@Dramaqueen2019 They would, honestly. If he is posing a risk to others around him and his state of mind is how you describe it, they actually would

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 04/04/2019 00:05

Just spoke to him after he got in . He said he’s a national socialist. And he’s not into neo naxism. And now he’s gone to bed.

OP posts:
TheFatberg · 04/04/2019 00:08

My facts are very robust and based in real life experience, thank you.

Coffeeonthesofa · 04/04/2019 00:13

Some of this sounds very familiar to me my son has ADHD, but you are correct you cannot force them to cooperate in any way.
Even if he got an official diagnosis if he won’t engage with any process it’s pretty meaningless. My son was diagnosed aged 10 but from age 14 refused to take his medication, and his behaviour spiralled out of control.
Me and his dad are together, a normal working family with no major issues so family set ups are not always / ever to blame.
His behaviour was extreme (not white supremacy stuff though) but we had no other children at home to take into consideration, so we battled on. I could give you a list of things he did but suffice to say he is lucky ( thanks to our devoting more time and energy than I thought possible, along with a large sum of money for legal costs etc) not to be in jail right now.
Because of things he has done, not to me, I cannot love him in a way that a mum should love her child. When he turned 18 I took him to our local council and told them I could not have him living at home any longer. They housed him in temporary homeless accommodation, he now has a council flat.
We do see him and have supported him financially when he needed it (another story too long for here) but I would never have him living here again.

tinstar · 04/04/2019 00:15

He said he’s a national socialist.

Is that not the same as nazism?

Cailleachian · 04/04/2019 00:19

"National Socialism" is a euphemism for Nazism.

It sounds like he has found the far right. Please be careful, and look for some support. People have suggested Prevent or the Police but I'd be wary of going to them in the first instance without support for yourself. Womens aid might be able to point you in the right direction and give you a handhold as you deal with this, or perhaps Hope Not Hate who work with ex-nazis.

Coffeeonthesofa · 04/04/2019 00:24

Oh and from personal experience easy fixes like switching off broadband, taking away phones, grounding, the police having a word after they have brought him home after an incident, getting a drug counsellor to tell them about the grim realities of the road they are heading down and having to have a locked room in my own home to keep things safe from him, amongst many other sanctions do not work with some teenagers!