feel awful, I look at my 17 year old and feel hate.

[Dramaqueen2019]

I feel like an absolute failure as a parent. I shouldn’t feel this way about my son, I look at him and just feel rage and it shouldn’t be this way. I feel so sad about it. I really do. I wish I knew how to change things.
I have 2 other children who I feel only love for, but with DS1 I just feel anger, he’s selfish, lazy and downright nasty at times. He’s making my younger Children’s life’s hell. He doesn’t respect our home, he makes an absolute mess and won’t clear it up. He’s been chucked out of college due to non attendance. He works so there’s that, but it’s hell to live with him, his attitude is disgusting. I dislike him, his views are horrible, I can’t even have a conversation with him because of his racist, sexist, homophobic views. He refuses to pay rent. He won’t even clean up his own room. I feel like giving up, been sat here crying for the last hour as I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at the point where I would be happy for him to leave.

the only thing that motivates him is his obsession with planes etc,

Seems to me to be a shame this at least he does have an intrest and is at work as well. Is there, might there be a local flying or gliding club he can hang out with at weekends that may just be something that can really intrest him and it is possible to become a pilot without GCSE's and the like. I know a few who have done just that!

Course there is a tempation to say bring back national service etc but I just wonder if the RAF might be a career path for him before he starts marching down the high st shouting sieg heil and all that bollix.

@Worried2019 i dont know what your profession is , but i am a ward manager in mental health.

Young adults with ASD do not fare well when sectioned under the MHA.

Think about the traits of ASD and then think about the implications of being on a locked ward with 20ish other people who you dont know , having a totally different routine enforced upon you.

It can actually cause the challenging behaviours to worsen .

@Dramaqueen2019 please see your GP as a matter of urgency. If you feet your safety is in danger call the police.

Mention to the GP about the risk of radicalisation , the fire, and the risk of emotional harm to your other children.

Ask GP to refer you to social care - you need help desperately.

He defo sounds like he's on the spectrum somewhere. Very difficult at age 17 if he won't agree to get help or address any of it. He definitely needs a MH assessment but how you would get that I don't know. My only worry if you were to kick him out would be that he may end up homeless. Can he not go back to his Fathers? I know you say he only just came back from there. Shame you had him back. Would have been perfect opportunity to let his Father deal with where he goes next. I personally would cancel the internet altogether let him just have internet access via phone certainly not as accessible, maybe he will return to his father with no internet at yours as this seems to be a big pull for him. Or restrict when your WiFi is on off? Unplug it. Set out some really strict rules I.e you can stay here if a. Your room is completely tidy regularly. B. No more fires lighting stuff c. No views inflicted onto you and your other children keep them to his self. I would also though try to separately one to one try to build a relationship with him. Coffee out once a week. Cinema? Force yourself.

somuchinfo we actually do go out once a week. We got out for lunch at least once a week and have a nice chat and I get on with him , then eventually back to square one. He’s just come downstairs to argue with me about how hitler was right, trying to show me videos/prove etc . Can’t be arsed arguing with him anymore. It’s tedious. And fucking depressing.

justaboy ive paid a few pilot training courses. Flying lessons etc for him. Doesn’t make no difference tbh.

OP, your son is being radicalised... national socialist... what on Earth???

Ring the police and ask for advice before he gets himself into proper trouble.

Just googled nationalist socialism and yes I see it is a form of naxism. I’m gonna ring everyone I can think of tomorrow and see if can get any help.

I’m going to ring tomorrow first thing. Thankyou

bluebell34566 thankyou I’ll take a look 💐 sorry to hear you’re having a hard time.

Your son sounds both troubled & vulnerable which leaves him open to exploitation &/or radicalisation. However unpleasant his political views & attempts to rewrite history are, it is his youth, vulnerability & anti-social behaviours that are of immediate concern. Fire setting is very disturbed & risky.

PP & @IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls have given you good advice.Seeing your GP urgently is key. Don’t be fobbed off. As a result of seeing or speaking with the GP, it may be that the community mental health team will be able to see your son as a priority as his behaviour could be a risk to himself or others.

If you have a moment’s doubt about your, or your family’s safety, ring the police.

BTW, family cannot have someone sectioned. Only appropriate & accredited MH professionals following the MH Act protocols can deprive someone of their liberty under section(s) for assessment. Of course, families can report or flag up their concerns to MH professionals &/or the police, & it is very important that these matters are taken seriously.

Really feeling for you OP. I hope you get somewhere with finding help for your son. I'm also worried for both of you.

You are doing your job as his mother in loving and protecting him, so let him know that you will continue to love him and do your duty even if he disagrees. Ignore any arguments. A part of him will hear it.

Try not to let him dehumanise both of you and make you feel his despair and emptiness. Be open to all diagnoses, not just autism. This sounds very, very serious.

I think if sectioning is the way to get him assessed and diagnosed ASAP, then this is what he needs, even if in the short term it is painful. A lack of diagnosis just makes him more vulnerable and post 18 it will be harder on him and the state will find it easier to let him slip through the cracks.

and strength

Op as much as I hate to say this you need to protect yourself and your younger children. Under the children’s act social services have to help and appropriately house a child under 18 if made homeless. You will have to stick to your guns though as they will try to convince you to take him back. However if you do stick to it and they provide him with accommodation then he’ll be fast tracked to receive help from a disability or mental health view point

Just RTFT, I don't have any useful advice to add that hasn't already been said but I wanted to respond to what you said about feeling like an absolute failure as a parent - you are not a failure as a parent because you obviously care about him deeply and want to help him. Going to PREVENT, Social Services or whoever else will hope is a sign of how much you care and want him to be able to overcome these difficulties.

His behaviour screams deep set hurt and anger to me. I am curious about what your household was like when he was growing up. I may be wrong but I sense there was a lot of dysfunction, anger and abuse in the house that he hasn't dealt with.

The lack of emotion does not necessarily tell you he doesn't care, it may well be that he cares very much and refuses to show you that.

I wonder if he would be willing to see someone if you made it about 'fixing the family' rather than 'fixing him'. I hope for all your sakes that you can get some counselling (psychologist) for both of you, he has the rest of his life ahead of him and if he doesn't let go of this anger soon it will be a pretty shitty one.

Even if your son wont go to the doc's appointment I think you still need to go, talk to someone, let them help you carry this and hopefully they can find you the help you need.

anyone that's saying get him sectioned.have you ever been so?
hahaha if not don't make me fucking laugh.you only have to type in shocking mental health services in google.
just this week a dozen cases of kids being left to die in them or (faulty practice which led to death)
if you've never been sectioned please don't mention being so.it never the right thing to do.itl either kill your child or change/kill part of them!

I also thought right wing extremist grooming while reading your posts. I would be concerned about the use of the £3k as well. I think you should speak to SS about the safety aspects with the fire setting potential and the homophobia and the theft. But as others have said you need to approach Prevent concerning some of his views and his internet chat rooms. It does sound Imore like extreme right wing groups rather than gaming.

stoppinby no abuse. There’s only ever been me and the kids at home. There’s been times that have been difficult over the years, arguments etc between us, but no, no abuse.
There could be things he’s found hard of course, there’s been times where it seems that all me and him do is argue unfortunately.
Whatever the reasons, I do just wish he would see someone about it.

How did you get on today with contacting people DramaQueen??

Even if he is autistic that's no excuse for piss poor behaviour. Plenty of autistic people have jobs and pay bills and raise families and treat others with dignity and respect. If he can't be respectful in your home then he shouldnt be there.

justasking111 I rang children’s services earlier and they said someone will get back to me, still waiting so hopefully tomorrow.
Not rang prevent yet. My youngest is moving schools so been at his new school today for him to meet teachers, classmates etc. I’m ringing them tomorrow though .
mumunderthemoon yes your right, it is no excuse at all.
Just had another huge argument with him, because I won’t set a standing order up for him from my bank to send money to someone to pay for some computer thing. Oh and because I won’t let him have something delivered for his comp from someone tomorrow at 6am, and let this person in and wake everyone up while setting it up upstairs.
I can’t carry on with this arguing everyday.

Did you explain to him specifically why the delivery wasn't acceptable, if he is autistic he may genuinely not see a problem with it. Many of us struggle with "theory of mind" which makes it impossible to see things from other people's perspectives, again not an excuse. If he has kicked off even after you have explained why it isn't ok then he is being ridiculous and childish. If he genuinely doesn't understand why you are saying no then his choice to argue is still an overreaction but is born from frustration and ignorance rather than being selfish. It does sound like you are having a hard time with him. He is taking liberties, but if he doesn't understand what he is doing wrong he will keep doing it so be explicit when you say no, tell him in detail why his actions are wrong.

You say you are gay but have two other children. Is there a step Dad involved? How did he cope when his siblings arrived?
Yes call Prevent.

I'm so sorry for how you are feeling OP. I wish I had some words of wisdom but with my second eldest currently in prison for drug dealing I beat myself up for feeling relief hes off the street xxx💐

mumunderthemoon yes I explained exactly why, a few times, in different ways to make sure he understood. But I honestly just got the impression that he doesn’t care as long as he gets what he wants.
I explained how he would wake his brothers and also myself up and that it could be dropped off later after this person had finished work at 4, but no he wasn’t happy to wait those few hours, as he wanted it in the morning. Tough.

Hi OP.

It sounds like you are having an unbelievably tough time. Well done you for reaching out for support and doing so much already.

I've RTFT and there are some unhelpful comments and some very useful ones. My DH has just been sectioned, having had no previous MH issues. It's opened my eyes to so many things, and I have found a huge well of compassion in me.

Please support him as best you can, using the helpful comments here. From what I've read, this is a mental health issue. No-one has mentioned psychosis yet I don't think. The far right/Nazi issues hint at that. I think it could be a case of paranoia rather than radicalisation. The right medication could change your lives, and some of the other problems might solve themselves.

(BTW, Nazi is effectively a German abbreviation for National Socialist, not a euphemism as someone mentioned upthread.)