Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

feel awful, I look at my 17 year old and feel hate.

443 replies

Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 21:32

I feel like an absolute failure as a parent. I shouldn’t feel this way about my son, I look at him and just feel rage and it shouldn’t be this way. I feel so sad about it. I really do. I wish I knew how to change things.
I have 2 other children who I feel only love for, but with DS1 I just feel anger, he’s selfish, lazy and downright nasty at times. He’s making my younger Children’s life’s hell. He doesn’t respect our home, he makes an absolute mess and won’t clear it up. He’s been chucked out of college due to non attendance. He works so there’s that, but it’s hell to live with him, his attitude is disgusting. I dislike him, his views are horrible, I can’t even have a conversation with him because of his racist, sexist, homophobic views. He refuses to pay rent. He won’t even clean up his own room. I feel like giving up, been sat here crying for the last hour as I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at the point where I would be happy for him to leave.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
PinkBlueStripes · 09/04/2019 10:21

Speak to your doctor about suspected psychosis as well for urgent camhs referral. ASD may also be diagnosable now but it gets harder.

I wonder about the gender stereotyping that goes on in camhs - an intelligent boy who is lovely and no trouble couldn't have ASD? Doesn't need help for social skills and self esteem because boys don't need that? Good luck OP, I hope you find support for him and peace for your family Flowers

lemonbabe · 09/04/2019 10:37

Dramaqueen2019 I empathise. My son is only 14 but I’ve already had ‘those’ same feelings towards him because if his outlandish and sometimes anti social behaviour. I’m a strict parent and do bear authority over him but it’s difficult.

When he has occasional ‘lucid’ moments I tell him how much I enjoy his company.

I still give him ‘talks’ even if I feel it’s a waste of time.

Lots of people remark upon his personality although he has not been diagnosed with anything and it cannot be autism as he’s a social animal with no like traits of autism. He has no inhibition at all and hence no limits. His teachers are at their wits end - we’ve just been told (again) that his level at school isn’t good enough and yet the intellectual capacity is there. I punish him quite severely when he really goes too far.

Try talking to him in short phrases about why certain things are important and how it affects you. Dig very very deep and find something to praise him for. Take him for a meal or something just you two ..... in short just keep battering on in the hope that it gets through to him.

Good luck -be strong -I’m sure you are a great parent xx

QueenBeex · 09/04/2019 12:18

No advice but just read about the 7 year old copying the older sibling. I hope you get help and support with this situation OP. Home life sounds awful for you and the younger kids.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Hepzibar · 09/04/2019 13:13

OP someone may have already responded. Prevent is the agenda, the police who deal with the prevention of extremism are Channel.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/04/2019 15:02

I think your choices are: he stays, and ALL of your children potentially end up negatively affected, or he goes, and then at least you can protect and nurture your younger two.

I really think he has to go for their sake.

ChariotsofFish · 09/04/2019 16:37

Whatever he is saying about it, you really need to report him to Prevent. He is radicalised, starting fires and potentially violent. This isn’t just about your family, this is society’s safety. You need the police to help his father understand why his internet access needs to be restricted.

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 09/04/2019 17:40

Just rang nspcc, they’ve passed on details to nspcc and also the police. I feel crap but it’s for the best and I’m glad they have.

OP posts:
Surfskatefamily · 09/04/2019 18:25

Hi. Your sons behaviour sounds similar to my brother and one of my many sisters when they were early teens to about 18/19

My poor mum went through hell. I threw my sister out because she couldnt do it. She sofa surfed at friends for a couple of years and now is doing fine. Relationship with mum is better

Brother got a nice girlfriend (now mother of his kids) and his behaviour improved massively.

Id give him the ultimatum and follow through. It will give him a serious life lesson in how to treat family

Surfskatefamily · 09/04/2019 18:26

Oh brill..sorry iv just seen latest update. Hope they get you the support you need

Cataline · 09/04/2019 18:51

Have just finished reading the thread. This sounds like a desperate and heartbreaking situation.
I think you've made the right decision to call this evening.
Is there any way you could convince your ex to rescind the phone contract?

PinkBlueStripes · 09/04/2019 19:28

Personally I think you made the right decision too OP Flowers

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 09/04/2019 20:00

PinkBlueStripes I hope so

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 09/04/2019 20:30

cataline no chance unfortunately

OP posts:
QueenBeex · 09/04/2019 21:18

How have things been tonight for you at home OP?

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 09/04/2019 21:28

QueenBeex shit, just can’t be arsed with anything anymore. But tomorrow is another day :)

OP posts:
wizzywig · 09/04/2019 21:36

Op please dont let him near an actual cockpit, with his strong views, lack of empathy and hatred towards particular groups, this could be a recipe for disaster. I hope you find a way out of this situation.

QueenBeex · 09/04/2019 21:48

That's expected i guess! Hopefully tomorrow you'll get some calls back offering you support and solutions! For now id probably ignore his attempts at any arguments, by all means listen to what he has to say, but try not to say much back. You disagreeing with his views might only make him feel more strongly about them.

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 09/04/2019 23:30

Well I have told him “ you believe what you believe and I’ll bekieve what I believe” he said ok, but then tried carrying it on further but I’ve not engaged.

OP posts:
longwayoff · 10/04/2019 08:10

Re GP. A friend had a similar situation with her 16 year old, discussed with her GP. When her son applied to join army a few years later, her concerns had been noted on his medical records and were raised in his interview process. I don't know whether that's usual practice but if it is then best to be aware of it.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/04/2019 08:28

This reminds me so much of what we were told about at prevent training. I don't know if the prevent scheme works well but he does sound like the sort of person it's aimed at

OhioOhioOhio · 10/04/2019 08:35

You sound so kind. I hope it all works out.

Fazackerley · 10/04/2019 08:45

Are you sure he's not taking drugs? My brother was similar - not the far right views but conspiracy theories and so many other things you've said. He was smoking skunk regularly and it ruined his MH. Sadly no good ending to that story but just wanted to double check. He also used to burn paper to hide the smell.

bobstersmum · 10/04/2019 09:42

Did he suddenly wake up horrible one day? There must be more to this, it sounds like he has issues and he's still your son and not actually an adult yet. The setting fire to things rings alarm bells to me.

Melancholymuffin · 10/04/2019 09:51

Hope today is better and you get some support OP

OhioOhioOhio · 10/04/2019 09:56

You have been very brave.