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Original poster

feel awful, I look at my 17 year old and feel hate.

443 replies

Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 21:32

I feel like an absolute failure as a parent. I shouldn’t feel this way about my son, I look at him and just feel rage and it shouldn’t be this way. I feel so sad about it. I really do. I wish I knew how to change things.
I have 2 other children who I feel only love for, but with DS1 I just feel anger, he’s selfish, lazy and downright nasty at times. He’s making my younger Children’s life’s hell. He doesn’t respect our home, he makes an absolute mess and won’t clear it up. He’s been chucked out of college due to non attendance. He works so there’s that, but it’s hell to live with him, his attitude is disgusting. I dislike him, his views are horrible, I can’t even have a conversation with him because of his racist, sexist, homophobic views. He refuses to pay rent. He won’t even clean up his own room. I feel like giving up, been sat here crying for the last hour as I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at the point where I would be happy for him to leave.

OP posts:
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Singlenotsingle · 03/04/2019 22:59

If he's got a job and earning money, he can afford to support himself, and I'd be màking enquiries about independent housing. Seriously, it sounds as though there's something seriously wrong with him, and he could be dangerous, especially if he's lighting fires in the house. You have your other dc to think about.

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 23:00

purpleboy I sent virgin on their way and told them I don’t want to change suppliers. I can’t take his phone etc as punishment as his dad pays for it. I told him that I really don’t want him here anymore, he just shrugged his shoulders. So I went into a mild rage telling him I wanted him out and he doesn’t call the shots in this house. No reaction at all from him:

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Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 23:04

purpleboy his views I’m not sure, certainly not from me, I’m actually gay, which makes it even more infuriating when he’s spouting about how disgusting being gay is. Last week I was babysitting my friends gorgeous little baby, who happens to be mixed race, and he refused to hold him. He doesn’t have any friends, only someone he talks to online from america, and then people he talks to on flight chat rooms, so I do wonder if that’s where it is coming from. I actually don’t know though. But I don’t like it.

OP posts:

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Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 23:07

He’s into conspiracy theories, thinks the earth is flat, believes the holocaust never happened and that space is a hoax. I actually just can’t have a conversation with him these days.

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TowandaForever · 03/04/2019 23:11

Sounds so like my asd child.

On the screening forms pre assessment I was writing over and over in the answer sections knows/understands but does not care.

Could you afford a private assessment ? Will he agree to one?

CaptainNelson · 03/04/2019 23:12

OP, this sounds really tough. It sounds though like your son is quite messed up and you are all suffering, but he can't see it. It also sounds like you've done everything you can.
I know he's been chucked out of college, but is there any support you could look for there? Or at the very least, advice about local organisations that might be able to help you (and I mean you as a parent, as he isn't prepared to admit he needs help?)
Before you decide whether to evict him, look into the possible consequences for him (will he get housing? what kind of funds would he be eligible for) and go through the possible outcomes of him leaving and him staying. You will have to decide what you can live with. It may be that a shock to the system like this will kick start him to see things differently.
It sounds like he's (at the least) very immature for a 17 year old, but that is not that unusual. I would be alarmed by his online chats. My 17 year old communicates with some Americans, but only to take the mickey and he tells me about some of the extreme stuff they say. It's quite terrifying that people really think like that.
If you decide he has to go, make sure it's not done in anger and that he clearly understands that he's welcome back when he's prepared to treat the rest of you with respect.

CaptainNelson · 03/04/2019 23:13

Oh and OP, you are not a failure. You are doing what you can but he is a separate person and is making his own choices. Flowers

Xenadog · 03/04/2019 23:14

OP, it sounds like there is some sort of MH affecting him. Having said that if he is dangerous (setting fire randomly to bits of paper) I wouldn’t keep him at home.

I think for your safety and that of your younger child he needs to leave. That’s so much more simple to say than do though, isn’t it?

AdoraBell · 03/04/2019 23:14

Can I ask when you and his father split up, and does he know that you are gay? I’m thinking he might be talking that way about gay people because that’s why his family isn’t one unit?

That doesn’t excuse the behaviour, of course.

Does his father back you up?

Fridasrage · 03/04/2019 23:14

Are you sure he's on flight message boards and not white nationalism message boards? Being racist, homophobic, denying the holocaust.. it sounds like he could be into neo-nazism.

IHateUncleJamie · 03/04/2019 23:16

Could he be taking drugs? If not, what did he say the money he stole was for?

Sounds as if he needs reporting to the Police for stealing £3000 and getting a MH assessment at the bare minimum. Definitely speak to Social Services ASAP and tell them everything.

converseandjeans · 03/04/2019 23:18

He sounds like hard work but also incredibly unhappy. Do you ever spend any time with him? Take an interest in what he's doing? 17 is young and I am surprised you are expecting rent money from him. Do you think he resented the siblings arriving? I am assuming they are n It same father. Perhaps he struggled more than you realize with the break up. I feel sorry for him.

steff13 · 03/04/2019 23:19

I’m thinking he might be talking that way about gay people because that’s why his family isn’t one unit?

This happened to a friend of ours. The wife actually left the boy with the husband. She later came out as gay, and the son is now very hateful towards gay people. The father isn't hateful like that, so he didn't get it from him. His therapist suggested that the son might associate his mother being gay with the breakdown of the family unit.

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 23:20

captainnelson his college have rang me and said that any information with camhs if I can get him there they will give and they really feel that is where he needs to be. They also asked me to let them know how it goes. And said I can still ring etc anytime.

Towandaforever I would find the money for a private assemment if needed but he won’t go. We went for an appointment at Connexions after he was took off his college course and the woman stopped the appointment half way through and said “right I’m no expert but I think you need to look into getting this diagnosis” she told him how it would mean he may be able to get his a levels on time due to extenuating circumstances for leaving college if he gets the diagnosis, he then agreed to go, we made the gp appointment. But now he says he won’t go. As there’s nothing wrong with him of course and he doesn’t want anything in his medical records. I can’t do anything without his consent can I unfortunately 😥
I’ve told him it doesn’t mean anything is wrong, but he doesn’t see it that way. He thinks I should try to train it out of my 12 year old 🙄 my 12 year old is high functioning and a dream compared to my eldest.

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Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 23:22

fridasrage that’s interesting as he’s always watching hitler you tube videos and has just got into learning German etc. And talking about whites being the superior race.

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31133004Taff · 03/04/2019 23:23

The father has left you to manage this on your own. Wouldn’t be unreasonable for you both to feel abandoned by him.

Why did he report the theft. It reads that DS cleared his father’s account.

At eighteen it would be totally reasonable for him to leave and live independently. This too will come to an end. Flowers

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 23:24

ihateunclejamie I’m absolutely certain no drugs involved. The money went on things for his computer and travel to the airport watching planes take off.

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Serin · 03/04/2019 23:25

There are a few red flags here.
Firstly the fire setting is a safeguarding issue for you and the younger DCs. This can't continue, ring social services and tell them. You have a duty to protect them and failing to do so will be massively frowned on.
Secondly I would be worried about possible radicalisation. If you think he is being groomed by far right activists then you really need to tell social services, and/or the Police.
What did he spend the £3k on?

31133004Taff · 03/04/2019 23:26

he’s always watching hitler you tube videos

Social services are highly alert to radicalisation. I’d alert them to your concerns. Suspect you’d receive more immediate response than CAMHS.

drspouse · 03/04/2019 23:26

I'd say terrifying rather than interesting.

Serin · 03/04/2019 23:28

FGS op! Having read your post of 23.22pm I'd ring prevent now.

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 23:29

adorabell I met his father when I was 16 when his father was in his sixties. I was naive and soft. Grooming, and finally got away from that 8 year ago. I have always been gay and my son has always known that. Me and his father have never had a relationship.
No his father doesn’t back me up. A few year ago when I took his phone away after a major incident his father just bought him a new one.

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Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 23:31

serin ok, do you think so? I feel fucking lost right now. And don’t know what’s right to wrong anymore.

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Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 23:34

He’s been back at mine 8 weeks after being at his dads and I’m still trying to make sense of things. I’ve only noticed this since he came back. But ok I’ll ring prevent. I didn’t even know that was a thing.

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Serin · 03/04/2019 23:35

Yes, I totally do OP.
I work in the NHS and if you told me his in real life I would be ringing our prevent lead straight away.

Your boy is at risk and clearly needs help, your younger DCs may be at risk esp re the firesetting.

Flowers I'm sorry you are going through this. There is help out there.