Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Worried of what husband will do

235 replies

Sh21 · 24/03/2019 01:10

First time posting and its taken alot to do so. My husband and i were going through a rough time last year, he was treating me badly and i was living on eggshells. We separated for a few months and i got talking to a work colleague, things got flirty over texts but nevee anything physical.
I'd been out one night and got spiked, i called my husband and he picked me up, while i was out of it he read the messages on my phone. Of course things were awful and I'd made everything so much worse. Since then we've tried to make things work. So days are good others he makes my life hell, threatening to come to my workplace and beat this othee guy up. I can't see a way out of this and i really don't know what to do. I'm not excusing my behaviour but how long do i put up with being shouted at and being uncontrollably upset by the things he is saying.
I just need someone to talk to 😢

OP posts:
Terriblyhurt32 · 24/03/2019 01:11

Tell him to stop being a baby!! You were on a break feeling.doen and exchanged a few flirty txts..I don't understand though op why you didn't delete them.

Tell him you won't let him use this against you!

GreenTulips · 24/03/2019 01:13

Do you want to be in a relationship where he thinks he has all the power to make you fell bad? Get out and leave him.

Sh21 · 24/03/2019 01:16

I should have, i wish i had! He said i have to do a lie detector test and leave my job for us to continue. I feel like I've gotvto do what he asks because i don't want him to tell my family i was talking to another guy. I feel trapped and helpless

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Sh21 · 24/03/2019 01:17

Green tulips... I've wanted to leave so many times, then I'm worried he'll get a hold of the guy from work and I'll have to deal with that too

OP posts:
Terriblyhurt32 · 24/03/2019 01:22

So let.him tell your family..say you were confused and just texting.. I'm sure he has done much worse !! Let him get hold if the.guy..your dh will probably get clobbered around the ear the dimwit. Ignore.him and tell.him you are not going to leave your jib or do anything for so.ethung u did when u were on a break !!

Sh21 · 24/03/2019 01:28

He took photos of the messages and has said in the past he will print them off and plaster them around work. I have to say some of the messages were pretty dirty and i do feel horrible about it all now. I feel as though at the time i was looking for attention rather than feel as though I'm on eggshells waiting for the next time he has a go. He's a pretty aggressive person, he's punched a hole in one of the walls and a door in the house, and put his foot through a plastic chair. It scares me what he would do to this other guy

OP posts:
Halo84 · 24/03/2019 01:54

Change your number. After a few months no one will remember the old one. If he plasters the messages at any time, hold your head high and stay quiet. No one can prove they were your messages.

Someone doing this doesn’t love you. He wants to control you.

Sh21 · 24/03/2019 02:09

I've never been the type of person to care what other think of me but this petrifies me, people in work judging me, and if my OH gets hold of the other guy I'll never forgive myself. I feel like everything is such a mess

OP posts:
Littleraindrop15 · 24/03/2019 03:04

I feel as though he has done this to keep you in a relationship with him. I would be packing and running for hills..

toomuchtooold · 24/03/2019 05:48

If he did "get a hold" of the other guy (and presumably he means he'd beat him up, but like the best abusers he leaves the sentence hanging so that you can fill in the details without him actually having done something you could take action on like making a threat) then maybe the subsequent police involvement would give you the breathing space to see this abusive relationship for what it is and get out. You know because in the world outside your relationship, there will be consequences for his bad behaviour. And no, you will not be responsible for whatever he does. He's responsible for that. It's not your job to manage him.

Your family would be shocked and unsympathetic, it sounds like - what are they like generally? Are they usually judgemental and reluctant to help you? People with abusive partners (and you are definitely a person with an abusive partner) IME often think their family will be judgemental and unsupportive if they go to them about the abuse. Some of those people it's because the abuser has been working for a long time to isolate them from their parents and other sources of help. Some of them sadly, it's because the parents really are awful (you're more likely to end up in an abusive relationship if your parents were awful because you're used to being made responsible for everyone else's bad moods and you don't notice when someone is treating you badly). Only you know which it is. Maybe you're underestimating them. Maybe you're spot on. Either way, someone who reacts to your attempts to get away from an abusive partner by clutching their pearls about a few flirty texts is not on your side and not worth worrying about.

Also: I wonder who spiked your drink?

Verynice · 24/03/2019 05:55

This is blackmail. I'd ring 101 and ask their advice to be honest.

HarrySnotter · 24/03/2019 05:58

Changing your number is a good idea.

Is the man at work in a relationship that would also be affected by this?

HarrySnotter · 24/03/2019 06:02

The only reason I ask is that a (remarkably) similar situation happened for someone at my work (minus the spiking). The woman actually told the man at work what her boyfriends intentions were (to tell everyone) and they agreed to tell people themselves. They did it in a very 'we nearly got together, exchanged a few messages but decided we were better as friends' way. There was a day or two of silly comments then everyone forgot all about it because it wasn't really 'gossip' as it came from them, no one cared.

Your DH is blackmailing you and will hold this over you for good if you don't take back the power from him.

hidinginthenightgarden · 24/03/2019 06:10

Tell your family yourself and then warn this guy. If he is single, there isn't much to tell. If he is married he should know your DH is on the warpath. Then call his bluff and tell him to fuck off!

Sh21 · 24/03/2019 06:36

I have no idea who spiked my drink. This was in 8 months ago and i haven't been out since.
The guy from work didn't have a girlfriend at the time but he does now and hes told her that we've exchanged messages in the past. I've also told this guy what my OH has been like since and warned him that he's been on the war path numerous times. It got to one point that he told me to leave and whatever happened happened. Some of the things my OH has said he would do to him are awful though and it scares me.
My parents are generally really good, I'm worried about disappointing them in all honesty, we haven't been married that long (just over a year) and i feel like I'm letting them down. And i don't want them looking at me in a different light knowing ive sent dirty messages.

OP posts:
Windygate · 24/03/2019 06:53

Your marriage is over, your H wants out but doesn't want to take the blame and unfortunately you've given him the ammunition he needs. Take the power away from him, tell your parents, you've been married for such a short time and already been separated this will come as no surprise to them. Speak to Women's Aid re the abuse.

Sh21 · 24/03/2019 06:58

I'm worried about everything, the consequences once i leave, his reaction when tell him I'm leaving, having to face people in work if this guy comes in beaten up, i feel sick about everything.

OP posts:
birdling · 24/03/2019 07:18

You need to leave him. Pack your stuff and go to your parents. They won't think you have let them down, your dh is the one who has done that.
He sounds horrible and you don't need to spend any more of your life with him. He has already broken your marriage vows by his treatment of you. Flowers

something2say · 24/03/2019 07:27

Sweetie this is a bit more serious I think.

Firstly, he was nasty to you before this. The text messages aren't the reason for that.

Secondly, no wonder you had a smidgen of a good time elsewhere. I would have done too.

But back to the immediate problem. He's violent and threatening. There are two adults at risk.

I would say, ring a DV charity and get a safety plan created, one that you think will work. Plan to leave, how to leave, who to tell, and what to say to your husband afterwards.

He needs to be told that, because of his threats and his behaviour, you've got professionals involved. Be vague about whom. Then, that you have left him and you're not telling him where you are. If he seeks you out or comes to work, you or your parents or the man at work or the boss at work will ring the police and he will be removed. Then, that you never want to hear from him directly again, all via solicitors, and that if he harasses you you will report him.

Next you need support. Drag up the worst stories and tell your best friends and parents and ask for their help. They will not be disappointed, they will be very pleased you've escaped.

The point of leaving is the highest risk part. It means not walking alone, having people know when you should arrive back, not opening the door to him, calling for help if needs be, having phone in hand. The main things are to tell him straight, to ring off, not to respond ever and to report threats. Reporting threats means he'll be spoken to and he may need that xxx

Halo84 · 24/03/2019 07:29

Just deny it to your parents if it causes you so much angst. I don’t usually think lying works out, but you should not be trapped in an abusive marriage because of shame.

As for the length of your marriage, I believe your parents want you to be happy. They would not want you to stay with someone who abuses you merely because you learned this sooner rather than later.

Digestive28 · 24/03/2019 07:33

This is coercive and controlling behaviour and is domestic abuse. It is not ok for him to threaten you like this.

MrsBertBibby · 24/03/2019 07:35

This is coercive control. Please talk to the police.

Sh21 · 24/03/2019 07:36

Thank you for your support everyone, I've been feeling so alone so it feels good to speak to someone. I completely regret getting married, we've always had ups and downs but I got to the point thinking this isn't right hence why i ended up messaging someone else. I'm not trying to make excuses for what i did because i know i was wrong but i don't think i would have entertained the idea if i was happy. I tried to walk away a few weeks ago and he begged me to stay. Promised he'd change and he did for a couple of days, it was like the old him but it didn't last. We've been together for over 10 years, so it's still hard to go after all this time.

OP posts:
something2say · 24/03/2019 07:43

Do you think you're ready to leave now?

Sh21 · 24/03/2019 08:06

With the way he is treating me yes. And talking to people on here yes. He's still in bed though so I'm expecting confrontation when he gets up. We had another bad night last night, thoughg i was doing right when it seems i can't do right for doing wrong

OP posts: