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Original poster

Worried of what husband will do

235 replies

Sh21 · 24/03/2019 01:10

First time posting and its taken alot to do so. My husband and i were going through a rough time last year, he was treating me badly and i was living on eggshells. We separated for a few months and i got talking to a work colleague, things got flirty over texts but nevee anything physical.
I'd been out one night and got spiked, i called my husband and he picked me up, while i was out of it he read the messages on my phone. Of course things were awful and I'd made everything so much worse. Since then we've tried to make things work. So days are good others he makes my life hell, threatening to come to my workplace and beat this othee guy up. I can't see a way out of this and i really don't know what to do. I'm not excusing my behaviour but how long do i put up with being shouted at and being uncontrollably upset by the things he is saying.
I just need someone to talk to 😢

OP posts:
Totaldogsbody · 25/03/2019 22:46

OP he's very controlling and I doubt very much he will change now. If you are going to have a life you need to leave him. Abusers always throw everything in your face, you're never right if anything bad happens its always your fault. You'll spend your life walking on eggshells. If you leave him and he carries out his threat to humiliate you it will be a 5 minute wonder or you can stay and live a life of constant fear and anxiety. Please talk to your parents they probably know more than you realise. My daughter was in a relationship like this and I had to try very hard to bite my tongue when she mentioned anything that may have happened because controllers often drive a wedge between you and family and friends. This makes it all the more difficult to leave them. He's dictating to you where you can or can't go, who you can or can't talk to, does he do this with clothes as well? Please think about leaving him I hate advising you this way because I'm Catholic and believe in the sanctity of marriage but I know that you'll have no happiness in a life with him in it . Good luck. Flowers

Original poster
Sh21 · 26/03/2019 06:28

I'm ok, i have spoken to my mum a little bit. Not everything as I'm finding it difficult to say. she has said i can move home anytime i want. I'm now trying to find the courage to tell my OH i am leaving. I feel that he is mentally unwell and i don't want to push him over the edge so to speak

OP posts:
Loseitandkeepitlost · 26/03/2019 07:11

You don’t need to tell him before you go. Giving his behaviour I would leave and make sure you are safe before you tell him.

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Relationship problems
GreenTulips · 26/03/2019 07:41

I second not telling him until you’ve cleared most of your belongings and made arrangements

So it’s just yourself to leave.

You could even got he gentle route of I’m staying at mums for a while / I’ll ring you later in the week not need for dramatics

Tilikum · 26/03/2019 07:45

Don't tell him! Of course he will react badly. Wait until he's at work, move all your things out (especially passport and important paperwork) then text him saying you've left him and don't want any further contact with him. If he turns up at your parent's house call the police. He is so dangerous.

AlunWynsKnee · 26/03/2019 08:58

Glad you've started opening up to your mum and you can go to them.
Leaving is the most dangerous time so you can't do it on your own with him. I know you feel like you should but it isn't safe. Move your stuff while he's out. Either leave him a note, call him or have your dad there. And you could also ring 101 in advance in case you need police assistance.
Good luck. Let us know when you're making moves.

HotSauceCommittee · 26/03/2019 09:15

Do not be on your own with your husband when you tell him you are leaving.
If you ring the cops on 101, depending on their area policy, you could request a “treat as urgent marker” to be put on your work place. That way, if he does turn up at work, having made serious threats, the police should attend quickly as priority.
I have felt terrified and so sad for you reading your posts. Your parents sound like lovely people who are worried about you x

Original poster
Sh21 · 26/03/2019 10:27

When i leave i won't do it alone, i will have my mum with me, i am opening uo to her gradually and i feel better for it.
I am worried about my OH mental health though, he doesn't seem stable for himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sh21 · 26/03/2019 10:29

Thank you for all your advice, just having people to talk to and open up to is making this process bearable

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 26/03/2019 12:04

Stop worrying about him.
Get put then you can call police and ask.them to check on him
Or you can call 999 if he threatens to.kill.himself.
You cannot save him. Or treat his MH
He can seek help.or 999 paramedics or police can get him To a place for treatment

cestlavielife · 26/03/2019 12:07

You have to look after you.
He is dangerous whether unwell or not.
Get away. Safely.
Then you can send him help.

AlunWynsKnee · 26/03/2019 12:15

You can't fix his MH. If he wanted help you could help him find professional help from a distance. Right now there's nothing you can do.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 26/03/2019 12:16

Imagine living this way for the next 40 years, maybe with kids in the mix.

PLEASE just leave.

He has family , and if you are worried about him, you can pass the baton to them and they can keep an eye on him.

The guy at work just needs a heads up. He can probably look after himself.

Don't let yourself be blackmailed into staying in relationship that is so very toxic.

He is abusive and will probably only get worse if you stay.

Foslady · 26/03/2019 12:18

Please go - go now.

He’s out of the house, grab all your paperwork and a change of clothes and go. He has shown he has no control anymore, you are in danger

HotSauceCommittee · 26/03/2019 13:25

Just be prepared; a lot of abusers threaten suicide when a partner leaves. I work in the criminal justice system and it is such a common tactic used by offenders x

cestlavielife · 26/03/2019 15:26

And if they do threaten then you forward the text to police. Police will.go do a welfare check...and if he laughs at them he may get charged.
That s why best to not get In to phone voice conversation...let him text ....gives evidence

Foslady · 26/03/2019 15:28

And you mentioned about worrying about your parents reaction, how they might be disappointed? How do you think they’d feel if you ended up in hospital or worse because you daren’t tell them? If you were your daughter wouldn’t you want to keep you safe?
I really hope it’s gone quiet as you are busy going OP, you deserve far more out of life.

Original poster
Sh21 · 26/03/2019 17:47

I wish it was as easy to talk about as it is to write about. I'm struggling to find the courage to leave.

OP posts:
AlunWynsKnee · 26/03/2019 17:52

The other night when he was flipping the table? Did you want to stay then? Do you think that will happen again?
Your parents would have you and you'd be free of all this worry and guilt that he's made you feel. It will be difficult to do but it will be better.

GreenTulips · 26/03/2019 17:52

Then write to your parents - in full

Foslady · 26/03/2019 17:53

Show them this thread

FeckTheMagicDragon · 26/03/2019 18:00

Don’t think about it. Just do it. One foot on front of the other. Gather the essentials- documentation, things you value. Get them together first. Then essentiall clothes. Then just get in the car and go to your parents. Call 101 and ask for advice

HollowTalk · 26/03/2019 18:04

You must have read those cases in the papers where someone is killed by their partner. You have to do something now to make sure you're not one of them.

The other man needs to get an injunction out against your husband. You should, too.

You should go to your parents' house. In fact if you have any holiday owing I'd go away for a while. Don't go anywhere on your own.

Go into a police station and ask to speak to someone about domestic violence. They will take you very seriously.

Did you say he'd hit someone else that you work with? What was his reason for that?

SweetAsSpice · 26/03/2019 18:04

You CAN do this. This is not love. This is not life. As soon as tomorrow, you could wake up without that sick, scared, panicked feeling gripping you within seconds. Because you will be free. We are with you. Flowers

Original poster
Sh21 · 26/03/2019 18:13

I'm just scared of what will happen next. I genuinely do not think he would hurt me. No he has never hit anyone else i work with.
My head is just all over the place

OP posts: