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Original poster

Worried of what husband will do

235 replies

Sh21 · 24/03/2019 01:10

First time posting and its taken alot to do so. My husband and i were going through a rough time last year, he was treating me badly and i was living on eggshells. We separated for a few months and i got talking to a work colleague, things got flirty over texts but nevee anything physical.
I'd been out one night and got spiked, i called my husband and he picked me up, while i was out of it he read the messages on my phone. Of course things were awful and I'd made everything so much worse. Since then we've tried to make things work. So days are good others he makes my life hell, threatening to come to my workplace and beat this othee guy up. I can't see a way out of this and i really don't know what to do. I'm not excusing my behaviour but how long do i put up with being shouted at and being uncontrollably upset by the things he is saying.
I just need someone to talk to 😢

OP posts:
Doubletrouble99 · 29/03/2019 14:36

Excellent post Hotpot.

Original poster
Sh21 · 29/03/2019 19:09

Wow! That put things in perspective! I'm trying to stay strong and think of myself even when he's crying and begging. I need to look at the next chapter of my life

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 29/03/2019 20:56

Can you imagine if you went back. He'd be nice for a week or two then he'd start punishing you for hurting him "it's your fault for causing hurt by leaving". He'd also make it awkward for you to visit your parents or your friend that helped you. You'd end up even more miserable than you were. Think of that as well as that huge list of things that were wrong that Hotpot did for you.

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Relationship problems
Original poster
Sh21 · 29/03/2019 22:26

I've been back spoke to him calmly and got some clothes.
Hotpot... Thank you for that list! Helped me so much, gave me that extra support and confidence to stamd my ground

OP posts:
HotpotLawyer · 30/03/2019 10:10

Oh, well done Sh21.

Your calmness is amazing, so strong.

He can handle a few days in tears and licking his wounds: he was fully able to watch YOU in distress and upset for 8 months. Whilst doing his best to make you feel even worse when you were in distress (see list post above.... ) .

In any case when his self absorbed croc tears don’t work he will quickly resort to threats and aggro again. I give it til Thursday.

Spend time with your parents and friends, and keep getting support from MN.

And when you have the time and headspace, look up The Freedom Programme.

Original poster
Sh21 · 30/03/2019 10:52

The courage i received from MN is mind blowing!
I'm in my parents and i feel relieved but really really sad. Massive part of my life come to such a nasty end
I am talking to my other half, he has realised ir has come to an end and i will not be going back

OP posts:
NWQM · 30/03/2019 11:04

So pleased to hear you are safe. Do be careful about talking to him. Everyone on here is telling you to go no contact for very good reasons.

AlunWynsKnee · 30/03/2019 11:17

Well done Sh. You're bound to be sad for what should have been and you will find yourself focusing on the good times. Print Hotpot's post off and keep it with you to remind yourself why you had to go.
Life will get better for you Flowers

HotpotLawyer · 30/03/2019 11:32

Yes, you have had your say, made your position clear, and I would now stop all cjntavt with him unless you have any formalities to sort out.

Mostly those can wait.

Is there anything else you need from the house? Passport, documentation, etc? Can you collect while he is out?
Don’t go back on your own if he is in.

Are you sure the tracker is off your phone?

Contact all your personal utilities (phone contract etc) and ask that they don’t send post to tne house.

He is manipulative, you are still vulnerable. He will take advantage of any contact.

Original poster
Sh21 · 30/03/2019 15:10

Yes the tracker is off my phone. I have made myself clear to him that it is over, for my own sanity if anything! I will be sorting out all utility bills in tbe coming week so i will not be associated with the house either

OP posts:
Totaldogsbody · 30/03/2019 15:23

Good for you SH21 you'll feel raw for a while, but it will get easier and you'll come to enjoy life again. Take each day as it comes talk to frieds and family when you need to and good luck Flowers

cestlavielife · 30/03/2019 22:25

Be careful.
Unless he has a new victim lined up he may try some other tactic in next few weeks.just watch out.

Original poster
Sh21 · 30/03/2019 23:16

You are all right, i am learning the hard way, the psychological mind games continue!!! And in a way I'm thankful, gives me certainty that i am not going back!!

OP posts:
poglets · 30/03/2019 23:21

Yes, stay firm OP. It's hard to leave but there are moments when you want to go back. Don't - if you capitulate then his power will be even greater. You sounded so unhappy and trapped. There are better things for you in the future without this man.

Original poster
Sh21 · 31/03/2019 08:36

I am staying stong, i am more determined than ever. I am not going back. My parentsand friends are being so supportive too. And with everyones advice i know i can do it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sh21 · 31/03/2019 21:22

I am in bits at the minute, hes is begging me and crying. I feel so so bad, after such a long relationship for it to end like this, it is like o am crushing anything he has left

OP posts:
Tilikum · 31/03/2019 21:27

Why are you letting him ring and text you? You're giving him an avenue to emotionally manipulate you and it'll only be a matter of time until you cave under the pressure. Please block him. Even if you just think it's temporary, for two weeks, take some time to be alone without him crying and making you feel guilty.

He has spent 8 months making your life a misery. He enjoyed watching you be terrified, he liked seeing you cry while you begged him not to publicly humiliate you. Please don't let his crocodile tears affect you, he is a terrible person.

HeavenlyEyes · 31/03/2019 21:30

you need to block him and go no contact.

Original poster
Sh21 · 31/03/2019 21:37

Easier said than done, hot to sort the house out so we dont have to pay another months rent and empty the house so i have to see him at some point. I hate seeing him so upset and heartbroken

OP posts:
Hedgehogparty · 31/03/2019 21:44

I’m guessing he couldn’t have cared less though when you were upset thanks to his behaviour?
You owe him nothing.

Wonnacott35 · 31/03/2019 21:52

OP please don't fall for it. Think of how frightened,sad and lonely you have felt. He didn't give two shits for how you felt it was all about him. If you go back it will be worse. Give your phone to someone else and don't read the messages anymore. Be safe x

HotpotLawyer · 31/03/2019 21:52

Turn your phone off.

Read that list again.

He did this, not you.

He can talk to his brother or his friends.

He will not change his abusive ways. If you go back now he will get worse because he will know that he has won.

Turn your phone off, hide it, and listen to music, watch TV and get ready for work tomorrow.

Honeyroar · 01/04/2019 01:12

Keep remembering that he loved seeing you hurting and upset.. And he’d love to continue doing so.

Original poster
Sh21 · 01/04/2019 09:32

I just find it so hard seeing someone i care about so sad 😔

OP posts:
NWQM · 01/04/2019 10:54

It is hard. The next few weeks will be hard. But just remember so was life with him. He'll get over it and so will you. He refused to change though whilst in the relationship.