Worried of what husband will do

[Sh21]

First time posting and its taken alot to do so. My husband and i were going through a rough time last year, he was treating me badly and i was living on eggshells. We separated for a few months and i got talking to a work colleague, things got flirty over texts but nevee anything physical.
I'd been out one night and got spiked, i called my husband and he picked me up, while i was out of it he read the messages on my phone. Of course things were awful and I'd made everything so much worse. Since then we've tried to make things work. So days are good others he makes my life hell, threatening to come to my workplace and beat this othee guy up. I can't see a way out of this and i really don't know what to do. I'm not excusing my behaviour but how long do i put up with being shouted at and being uncontrollably upset by the things he is saying.
I just need someone to talk to 😢

"I just find it so hard seeing someone i care about so sad 😔"

I know.

It is hard - sad for what could have been, sad for the good times, and sad because you are fully conditioned and used to caring about him.

But the truth is you can't make him feel better now. You just can't. You aren't the right person for him to be talking to to help him support himself through this. UNLESS you go back to him.

And all the time you are in contact, this will be his aim.

And being sad will make you vulnerable.

This is why it is best not to be in contact with him. Not to be in constant contact with his being sad.

He did this. And he will not change. So you cannot go back unless you willingly sign yourself up to a life of misery and abuse, walking on eggshells, tables overturned, walls punched.

So, don't speak, block texts., and under no circumstances see him when you are alone with him.

I do know it is hard, and everyone here understands - tea and cake being sent,

You took that lifeboat - keep rowing onwards!

He’s not heartbroken at all! He’s “upset” at having spent all that time whittling you away until you were completely controlled and a constant source of his abusive outlet, losing you means he has to go through all that awful effort of pretending to be nice to someone else so he can line up another victim

The sadness won’t last, when he sees it won’t work it will switch to anger.

Stay safe and don’t let your guard down.

It’s not over yet, you’ve taken a step towards being free and happy. He still thinks he can try to manipulate you, and will say whatever it takes to get you back under his control. Don’t ever mistake that for caring for you or love. It’s the direct opposite of this.

Your OH is an actor, acting the part of "the heartbroken husband". It is NOT genuine, he doesn't care for you - these tears are tears of self-pity.

Stay strong OP. Block him as far as you can and only contact him if necessary. But I would get a solicitor to do that for you.

Keep referring to Hotpot's list when you need a reminder of why you've left. You don't deserve that awful life.

He will be sad til he gets angry and threatens (and who wants to be around him then )
He will be sad til he find s his next victim
Maybe he will be sad forever

But he is not your problem to solve
He made your life miserable. Dont forget that.

How was today, Sh21?

Sorry if it seems we are haranguing you, I know it can be a bit like that.

But we’re in your side, passing hankies, and cheering you on .

No no, i came here for your advice and support. Everyone here has helped me through the hardest time of my life and i thank you all!
It was sad, getting better though. Things are moving pretty fast with the house and furnishings which is good.

Sounds really positive Sh. You're going to be up and down for a while but the good days will soon take control :)

It might be worth looking at the Freedom Programme online. Or is it Freedom Project? Someone will correct me! It is useful to get an understanding of what happened to you and how you can avoid being taken into another abusive relationship. Sometimes the next man can seem not as bad as the last one so you think he's great even though there are warning signs. I'm sure you're in the 'No relationships for me' mindset now so it's a good time to do it.

You are doing amazingly well Sh! I can’t believe how decisively and effectively you have acted.

The Freedom Programme would very much support you in making it clear you couldn’t have done anything to have saved the relationship or saved him from his own behaviour. This can be helpful when you are feeling sad and, maybe , like some, thinking ‘should I have given him a chance’ and feeling guilty.

Anyways, for now, on with your furniture wrangling!

Hey Op, how are you?

Hi, not too bad. Still in my mum and dads, talking to the ex but things will come to a head soon. A final decision needs to be made, been a very rough few months but had a lot of support x