Worried of what husband will do

[Sh21]

First time posting and its taken alot to do so. My husband and i were going through a rough time last year, he was treating me badly and i was living on eggshells. We separated for a few months and i got talking to a work colleague, things got flirty over texts but nevee anything physical.
I'd been out one night and got spiked, i called my husband and he picked me up, while i was out of it he read the messages on my phone. Of course things were awful and I'd made everything so much worse. Since then we've tried to make things work. So days are good others he makes my life hell, threatening to come to my workplace and beat this othee guy up. I can't see a way out of this and i really don't know what to do. I'm not excusing my behaviour but how long do i put up with being shouted at and being uncontrollably upset by the things he is saying.
I just need someone to talk to 😢

But you said, "I'm scared of the backlash in work, people wont look at it like we were on a break, so I'll get that thrown at me plus the fact one of my colleagues (a well liked by all colleague) has been beaten uo by my OH"

Sorry, i wasnt clear. I meant if all this got out, meaning the texts, because i walk away I'd get the backlash from work because i don't think people would understand. And I'd get backlash off people if my OH beat the guy up. I didn't mean he'd already done anything like that.

I think you’d get a lot more sympathy than you think to be honest.

Honestly? Most people at work, if they aren't hugely supportive to you, won't give a shit.

They'd think 'good for her on leaving that prick/hardly surprising she liked Dave if that's what she had to deal with at home'.

They wouldn't blame you. Because it's that utter prick's fault if he does anything.

If you leave without saying anything, you'll be safest. If he kicks off, call the police, he gets arrested, he gets assessed for any mental health issues whilst he's there. Whatever happens, it's on his head, not yours.

I would call 101 and ask them. You were split up. You texted someone. That’s it, big deal. People will see what he’s doing and will judge him.
He is useing this to put himself back in control. He’s blackmailing you. Seriously- ask the police for advice.

Look at it this way - how much sympathy and understanding have you got here? We’re just normal people. Why would people at work be any different?

It will all blow over at work if it ever is anything in the first place. A couple of racy texts, it's not like you were at it like rabbits all over the office. If your husband turns up at work he just looks like he's the one with issues. As you said, you were on a break, sent some texts, decided to keep it platonic, left husband as he's violent. I think you'd get lots of support (you certainly have here)

Get out, go to your parents and stay safe. If you can think of a year ahead, where would you like to be and what would you want for your life?

I second your work not caring a jot!! I’ve seen all sorts via a big office and nothing surprises me enough to be bothered by someone’s home life.

Love, my ex partner did things like this to me.
He would listen in on my private conversations, he would go through my phone and social media accounts.

He had things that I had said in private and he also knew a work colleague of mine was having an affair. He told me if I ever left him, he would tell everyone my private things. He told me he'd expose the affair blah blah blah.

I was torn because I didn't want my all these things out in the open and I was terrified. Like you also, I didn't want to end up in a box room at my parents.

But I did. One day I snapped and realised I couldn't live my life like that. I went to my parents with only the clothes on my back and shoes on my feet.

He didn't carry out any of those threats and even if he did? I didn't care. I wanted out and I wanted normal.

I'm now nearly 4 years free and I can tell you, best thing I ever did. My life is amazing. You can do this also. You have the strength in you somewhere and you know this isn't normal or healthy.

I wanted to share my story so you know that it is entirely possible. Good luck

I tried to talk to him. I said the relationship isn't healthy or happy. Its toxic and i wasnt happy being there anymore. He broke down. He was crying and begging me not to leave. Apologising saying he'll change. I know it sounds like the same old story. I'm so lost at the minute

Darling, you won’t get backlash, only support and sympathy

If your stbx does anything to anyone or anything, that’s 100% his decision and he will be the one judged/prosecuted/punished for it

People will say only “why didn’t you tell me/leave him sooner?”

I was you. Now I’m living a life not even I ever dared to imagine in my wildest dreams, I am loved, I am safe and I am happy.

You can do this!

It sounds like the same old story because it IS the same old story. Nothing will get better for you unless you take away his power. Leave.

You are caught in a cycle of abuse. It will be very hard to break it and free yourself but you must try because this will be your life for years to come. It will never get better. You will end up with anxiety and depression while he has you on a tight leash. You will never go out but he will still accuse you of things. You will keep the house spotless but he will still call you lazy. He will nag and cajole you into sex when you don't want him near you. This will be your life. It's textbook.

Please take a deep breath and remember that just because you can't see the end of the tunnel doesn't mean it's not there. You have to keep going onwards.

Leave him. Tell him that if he comes near you or the other man, you will report him to the Police and you follow through on that. Every threat, abusive text etc you report to 101.

Chances are he is just a bully with a temper and whilst his blustering is scary to you, he would bottle it against someone his own size.

Don't worry about work. Don't worry about anyone but you.

Take that first step and leave. Pack your things and go anywhere else. Ignore his begging, tears and fake apologies. Because they are all fake.

You can do this! Break free! You are worth more than this. You are better than him and you deserve to live your life without fear.

Op this is so sad but I unfortunately don't think you will leave this creature :(

He has conditioned you completely and it's like he's the puppet master and is dangling you by your strings.
You're worried about his MH? What about yours love? Yours is more important to you than his. You cannot change him. The damage is done.

I think it's admirable that you've tried to protect your colleague for so long but enough is enough. This man is not rational. Irrational people do crazy things, get past the point in caring about the repercussions and I've read too many horror stories about women killed by their partners. Please don't be a statistic. You're worth so much more than you think. This man has destroyed the marriage, not you.

Run free op. There is a whole world out there waiting for you with good people in it. Abusers and bullies will sadly always be in our society but you will have had the strength to leave one and will set your bar so much higher for the next relationship.

I wish you every bit of luck, please don't be swayed by his fake promises and crocodile tears. Let him realise what he has done and what he has lost. Let your parents look after you for a bit, never too old to be looked after, especially after what you've been through. Sending you hugs and

He broke down. He was crying and begging me not to leave. Apologising saying he'll change. I know it sounds like the same old story

Of course he broke down. He was losing control over you.

Call 101 and ask their advice on blackmail and threats of violence.
Then leave. You font have to talk to him face to face.
He seems partial to text messages so text him that you are leaving then go to a solicitors office and get the ball rolling on a divorce.

You can tell him to knock himself out with his threats as the police have been informed.

I wouldn’t return to the house. I would find another place to live in the meantime.

He thinks he has power over you because you are scared of the consequences.

Telling him to make good on his threats as you don’t care takes his power away

He cried
Of course he did
Remeber this is the same man who threatens to beat people up...so...is he a crybaby or a thug?
Probably both. He will put on the dramatics whatever it takes to win you over.

Dont fall.for it.
Let hi m get support from his family.

If you painted as the bad guy so be it. You need to be free of this drama.
Cut contact
Block

Predictable.

Of course he cried and promised to change. He doesn’t want you to leave because then he’s lost control of you.

Have a look at this check list www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/. If you tick one or more then they say you may be being subject to abuse. I have ticked 6 from your comments & there are more gave the situation the benefit of doubt on.

OP I'm sure you hope that he will change. I hope he does so that he never exercises coercive control over anyone else.

He will not change over night though. This can not go on being your life.

Be done talking. You can not help him. That is not your role. Your role in this relationship is to take the emotional abuse. Stop. Now.

Speak to Women's Aid for support of leaving. Move out as soon as you can. There will never be 'the right time'. You can not predict his reaction other than to say he is unlikely to give you the blessing to do this.

You are highly unlikely to ever regret leaving.

Aw bless him, he's all upset, is he? He didn't care much when it was you crying for all these months though, did he!

He broke down and cried did he. How many times have you cried and he's ignored. It's the dont leave me I'll change I promise time. Don't listen he wont change. Of course you're in turmoil because you love him and want him to be the man you thought he was, he never will be. Sorry to be blunt but until you wake up to that you wont leave, you'll be under his control dancing to his tune and every time you say you'll leave he'll promise this time will be different. Sh21 you won't ever be happy till you get out of there, so many people who have been in your situation are telling you this so please listen. He's taken your confidence away, my daughter told me she had forgot how it felt to be happy but now she's doing things she only imagined when she was with her partner. She's meeting new people going on holiday with friends and is happy. That all important first step out the door is the hardest and there will be good days and bad days but eventually you'll wonder why you ever took the sh** you did and stayed with him so long.

Please go to your parents and tell them everything! I would have any of my family or friends at my house in a shot( and have done, repeatedly until they leave for good)
This is a abusive relationship. Even if he comes home tonight and is mr wonderful for the rest of your days he is still abusive. He's got you right where he wants you.

Let him go cause a scene with the bloke, (warn him to call police straight away if he sees him if your worried) at least if he gets lifted you have some space and he creates a trail for everyone to see what a dick he is.

You can have a nice life op. Run fast before you have kids with him, then you will never get away.

Aw bless him, he's all upset, is he? He didn't care much when it was you crying for all these months though, did he!

This. Why are you even bothered by his tears after what he put you though these last months.

Move to your parents, and let his brother who was so keen to support him in leaving you over the messages, support him.

You know this is a 'script' they use. He'll swing between devastated and nasty for a while. He'll accuse you of flirting with other men because he 'knows' that's what you do. It's all aimed at getting you back where they want you. He won't miraculously change.

His manipulative response is so predictable, there are educational videos made about him:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

Don't discuss it anymore, ask your parents to help you leave when he's not home.

Be careful. When he realises tears haven't worked, violence will reappear as the threat to keep control of you.

Domestic abuse is about control, not violence. Violence - or the fear of violence - is just one of many tools used to obtain and exert that control over you.

It's still all the trust issues aswell, he's saying he believes what i say but i still have to do a lie detector test. Even if i leave! Amd if i leave he'll sort things his own way. I feel trapped by his words