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Original poster

Worried of what husband will do

235 replies

Sh21 · 24/03/2019 01:10

First time posting and its taken alot to do so. My husband and i were going through a rough time last year, he was treating me badly and i was living on eggshells. We separated for a few months and i got talking to a work colleague, things got flirty over texts but nevee anything physical.
I'd been out one night and got spiked, i called my husband and he picked me up, while i was out of it he read the messages on my phone. Of course things were awful and I'd made everything so much worse. Since then we've tried to make things work. So days are good others he makes my life hell, threatening to come to my workplace and beat this othee guy up. I can't see a way out of this and i really don't know what to do. I'm not excusing my behaviour but how long do i put up with being shouted at and being uncontrollably upset by the things he is saying.
I just need someone to talk to 😢

OP posts:
SaskiaRembrandt · 24/03/2019 08:08

I'm not trying to make excuses for what i did because i know i was wrong

But you didn't do anything wrong. At the time you were separated from your husband, your colleague was not in a relationship, so you were effectively two single people mutually flirting. No reasonable person would think that was wrong. Your husband might, but he is not reasonable.

Please follow the advice other posters have given you, you do not have to live like this. I understand it's hard to leave, but it isn't going to get any better. You've said you separated because you were walking on eggshells, but that does not have to be the rest of your life. He might promise to change but it's very unlikely that he will, but you can change the situation by leaving and leading a happy, asshole-free life.

SaskiaRembrandt · 24/03/2019 08:09

If you're ready to leave go here to find support and advice www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/

Original poster
Sh21 · 24/03/2019 08:22

He says we were never sepeeated because we're married therefore it was cheating. I get what hes saying in a way. He's admitted to being in the wrong and said he understands why i left. I've tried to talk to him and explain it wasn't the fact of wanting someone else physically it was for attention more than anything with the way he made me feel. I said he's making me ill with the constant arguments and nasty behaviour but he said its what I've caused. Its been nearly 8 months of this and I'm feeling as though he wont change now. He blames the other guy for the breakdown of our marriage too, in a way i think I've stuck it out this long to protect the other guy

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
mummmy2017 · 24/03/2019 08:31

Tell your mum and dad the truth, that he wanted a break, that you had a friend at work after and sent messages too each other, but it was never physical
The more of the threats you can defuse the better, your dad will not like him threatening you .
Tell work, your husband can and will get in trouble with the police if he does blackmail at work .
Then you can tell your husband so what they all know

Billben · 24/03/2019 08:31

I'm worried about disappointing them in all honesty, we haven't been married that long (just over a year) and i feel like I'm letting them down.

Do you think your parents would want you to live with an abuser? You are not the one who’d be disappointing them if you left him.
And for the love of God, please don’t let him talk you into getting pregnant with the promise that that would bring you back closer together🙏

MrsBertBibby · 24/03/2019 08:32

it seems i can't do right for doing wrong

Classic abuser. That is exactly how he wants you to feel, because you are so busy policing yourself, you never think to look at his behaviour and see how wrong it is.

He doesn't love you and there is no "old him". This is who he is.

Isadora2007 · 24/03/2019 08:38

As a mum of adult children (does that make sense) I can honestly tell you that I would feel that it was ME letting my child down so badly if they told me what you are saying here rather than feel THEY had let me down. I would wonder why my precious daughter felt she needed to stay one minute longer with a man who treated her like that. Please please please just go to your parents now and tell them what you’ve told us here. Show them this thread if you can’t find the words. Leave now, take compassionate leave from work and see a solicitor tomorrow. Please don’t stay.

Billben · 24/03/2019 08:39

Oh OP, just go and confide in your parents😥 This is no way to live. You must be an emotional wreck. He’s an abuser and will never change. You must show him that you’ve got support, family, friends, colleagues who can make you see how awful he is. And he is pretty immature if he thinks he can get away with blackmailing and threatening behaviour. If I was the guy from work, I wouldn’t live my life in fear of “being sorted out” by him. I’d just go to the police. And that would have implications for your husband. I know if mine got a criminal record, he’d be out of a job in his field.

Original poster
Sh21 · 24/03/2019 08:41

As I'm reading all of your messages I'm sat here knowing you are all right. He tells me (because of the messages) if i leave him i will only ever be used and no one will love me like he does, I'll end up being alone and living in my parents box room. I don't recognise the person he is.

OP posts:
ScarletBitch · 24/03/2019 08:43

I suggest you walk away for good. He went through your phone whilst you were drunk, that is not on. He now thinks he can go round threatening people and scream and abuse you? No OP, you need to leave,

GreenTulips · 24/03/2019 08:45

My children are younger, but I think I’d know if they were in a wrong relationship that was making them unhappy!
I wouldn’t care about a few dirty text messages, nor would I care if they’d slept with the whole street

I’d want them safe and happy.

There’s nothing they can do that would stop me wanting that for them.

I’d be horrified if they stayed in an unhappy married to somehow please me!!!

Please don’t be that person. Pack your bags and leave.

Anything he then does will look bad on him and prove you were right to leave.

Original poster
Sh21 · 24/03/2019 08:46

The more i think about it his behaviour is awful, I'm not allowed to go to the town where this guy lives, or go out with people from work incase he is there. I've got a tracker on my phone (which i know is ridiculous but i had nothing to hide so i agreed) and he wants me to do a lie detector test.

OP posts:
ScarletBitch · 24/03/2019 08:48

All these threats are enough for you to go to the Police. Tell him you don't want to be with such an abusive manipulative twat, and you will pursue through the Police if he continues.

You need to stand up to him. Why are you letting him make you feel like this?
Do The Freedom Programme, tell your family the abuse and threats he has made, change your number and leave.

Honeyroar · 24/03/2019 08:48

Hopefully nobody ever will love you like he does- his “love” is abuse and power. It’s nothing like what love should be like. You need people to lean on. Tell your parents, tell women’s aid, speak to the police about his threats and violence in the house (punching holes etc). You’ll feel so much better when you start taking steps. This is no way to live..

Original poster
Sh21 · 24/03/2019 08:51

I know you are all right. I've told him it was a mistake, and it was. I know it sounds like a cop out but things seem so much easier in my head then when reality sets in im so scared to do anything

OP posts:
scatteredglitter · 24/03/2019 08:51

Please leave this man. Everyone on here has unanimously agreed he is abusing you. Please get out before he seriously hurts you physically. He is a low life abusive bully.
Your self esteem has taken a massive battering from years of his abuse whittleing you away.
Get out please before there is children or your are even more hurt

SaskiaRembrandt · 24/03/2019 08:52

As I'm reading all of your messages I'm sat here knowing you are all right. He tells me (because of the messages) if i leave him i will only ever be used and no one will love me like he does, I'll end up being alone and living in my parents box room.

But he doesn't love you, if he did he wouldn't treat you so appallingly. He's attempting to trap you by making you believe life with him is the least bad option, but that is absolute rubbish. Life without him will be infinitely better, not least because you won't have some threatening and belittling you.

Also, I agree with previous posters - as the mother of adult children, it would break my heart to think one of them was living as you are. I would do everything in my power to help them if they told me what was happening. Your parents don't want this for you, no matter what your husband has told you!

SaskiaRembrandt · 24/03/2019 08:54

And this lie detector - who the hell does he think he is? The FBI? People don't just get lie detector tests, and if he believes they do he has seriously lost his grasp on reality.

Original poster
Sh21 · 24/03/2019 08:57

He asked me what i would do if he had sent messages to someone else. I said a lie detector wouldn't have even entered my head, it's not something the normal person would do. To which he didn't like. He's actually looked into doing one too

OP posts:
SaskiaRembrandt · 24/03/2019 09:02

He sounds very odd. I'm sure he thinks he is being rational, but he really isn't.

Original poster
Sh21 · 24/03/2019 09:06

He said if i do one and it comes back that I'm lying which it wouldn't, he'll humiliate me and throw all my clothes in the street. He is definitely not rational.
I said to him if i had done anything physical I'd have screamed it in his face by now

OP posts:
Solongtoshort · 24/03/2019 09:08

I agree with mummy 2017, tell your parents and work (you don’t have to give details of messages). It will take the wind from his sails.

He is right about one thing, of you leave him no one will love you like he does but that’s good because you are worth so much more than what his idea of love is. Love and a good marriage with the right person shouldn’t be this hard for you.

And as for a lie detector.....who des he think he is Jeremy Kyle.

I imagine your parents already have a idea you are unhappy but don’t know the full extent.

Original poster
Sh21 · 24/03/2019 09:14

I've also said this.. We're not on Jeremy Kyle!!!
My mum knows I'm unhappy but like you say doesn't know why, i think my dad is starting to suspect too as I'm spending quite a bit of time at their house and they havent seen him for a while. Dad was asking me 'whats up' onfriday but i couldn't find the words 😞

OP posts:
miaCara · 24/03/2019 09:20

What would you think if someone told you tales about a friend at work texting another colleague? Would it impinge on you at all other than a momentary bit of gossip?
What if it was your child? Would you be so horrified you would not move heaven and earth to help your child?
What if it was your own dearest friend ? Would you stop being friends with them because of a text to another person?
Just be aware that your husband has done a fantastic piece of work on you in the year since you married. He must have been abusive right from the start surely or even before the wedding? So this is just one more thing he thinks he can use to beat you with. You are not in the wrong here no matter how many times he tells you you are.
Please see this man for the abuser he is. Tell everyone he has mentioned about the abuse. Hide nothing and dont take any of the blame onto yourself. You are not responsible for another adults actions.
Please pack up and go today. Your parents will welcome you home and help you move back into your old room. You really, really dont have to live like this .

SaskiaRembrandt · 24/03/2019 09:22

From what you've said about your parents I'd guess they know he is treating you badly and are hoping you will speak to them.