Thigh? Where is thigh?

[ProjectGainsborough]

I’m so confused.

My impending nuptials may bring out the worst in me. I have confessed to being very ill suited to marriage as a wife, but will i be better as a husband. It's a risk, but what is without risk?

Oh yes Small I can conduct weddings with my willy willy not! In fact that's what it is best at!

Pooter yes bring the fit cook to come to Thighland and then you could go back to Fuckboy, he will appreciate you more now and have figured out the oven, he might even start to rustle up your snax as he should do in any case! Yet you can dabble with the fit cook whenever you feel like it.

Cook can cater the wedding and Bob's your whatever-you-want-him-to-be!

Win/Win

Goodness thigh you speak wise words of caution. My head has been turned by his sudden attention. I think he may be lovebombing me. XaibuX to be suspicious?

thigh if I am to be your child I need mummy and daddy to be stable y'no!

Or am I to be your pet? Same applies in any case!

Dangly i think you should be my dog, you know how i love them so. But also the vicar as you have the willy willy not of truth.

You could howl a haunting solo at the wedding.

Dangly if they follow my suggestion about the seperate but adjoining houses with a dog door you can run between houses as you wish and there will be no need for conflict.

Dangly I foolishly looked at the cook's phone, and he has been texting another woman! Should I pretend not to have seen it, and just play along for now?

Oh super thank you thigh I will be a very happy dog running from house to house as Small suggests. Oh I hope naked is nice to dogs? Is she not a cat person or is that MrsCat. Never mind I shall win her over with my waggy tail!

So I am the family dog AND the vicar - got it!

Oh and the wedding singer - yep all doable from my end!

Pooter No you will not 'put up and shut up' as they say in the trade!!

Woman have you no dignity? Bring him to the cage!! He will rot amongst the foul stench of rotting teachers!!

< sharpens machete >

Youngest grandson has a nasty vomiting bug, and Fuckboy has begged me to come home and rally round. Should I go?

I think it's excellent to have a dog and vicar in one. I have recently had a bit of a problem with my own dog fighting with another dog though. I hope this won't be a problem with you, you seem feisty like my dog. Will Thigh have to keep you on a muzzle if you meet other dog/vicars?

That doesn't sound very enticing as a way to lure you home pooter I am sure the voices in your head just got a bit louder for the next 48hrs.

You're dead right, small I am feeling a bit delusional.

Anyway he doesn't need me to leave bags of groceries on the doorstep and scarper.

You must lie down and get handsome cook to bring snax. Bin him off later when you get the all clear re. grandson and can go home.

Oh no Small I cannot be in a muzzle, it would impede upon my snacking abilities. I will be a Very Good Dog. I will be a better dog than I was human!

Pooter you are not well! Put yourself down for a nap until all vomitting children have vacated the arena!!

I'm here! my problem is I am slanket-less... What do I do?
(I have many snacks, though).

small and dangly I have heeded your advice. Fuckboy can cope.

Anyway lots of MNetters have become over-involved in the contents of the cook's phone, and are messaging me with ways to trap him. They are all lovely. My own technological skills have faded since my time working on the Enigma Machine, but I will do my best.

Gin! come over, we give out slankets to all, but you'll have to piss in them yourself!

Oh superb!

Welcome ALargeGin

I would like A Large Gin, we will get along!

I like A Large Wine too, in fact mine's a pint but usually on a Friday!

Ok do NOT panic, you can get a slanket from Amazon, get one that can be delivered next day. In the mean time cut two holes in your duvet for your arms and wear it whilst lying down on the sofa.

Oh yes *Gin8 i forgot you can get a pissy one here for free upon entry.

All is well!

So I went to work today that was my first mistake.

I mean my day job not my 'turn' at the gentleman's club as 'Auld Bag'

Anyhoo I digress, I got told off for being a dog! I've to HR for a meeting this afternoon!

That's discrimination isn't it? They also wanted to address my laziness but intend to manipulate the situation to being all about my transition to canine, that way they won't dare proceed with this.

Bloody cheek!

Dangly they are bigots, They should be no platformed immediately. Were you bought from an overseas rescue charity? Then they are racists, too. You definitely have grounds for hurty feelz, but try and settle out of court. Ask to be put on gardening leave, so you can scamper outside with a lovely ball.

Pooter thank you so much! I will definitely be trying for a full on 'protected criteria' claim. I am trans AND mixed race! Then when they get advised from HR that this is my intention and get all nervous about the up-coming tribunal I can ask for the gardening leave and bounce around with my ball.

Genius!! Thank you so much!

They will shit their pants and give me what I want.

Workplaces are like men you have to break them down and build em back up again the way you WANT them to be!