I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I am a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and can solve anything, no matter how trivial.

Please enter my advice clinic where you will find kindly Agony Aunt services. My rules and solutions are mostly as follows:

1. Lie Down
2. No Guests
3. No One is Too Fat or Too Thin
4. No One Gets Told Off

On lobotomies

All will involve an input of pain, for time, t, to a certain value of X, to achieve relief, of a certain value, y.
A) if X = compass, corkscrew, ice pick, child scissors, then Y will be achieved within a low value of t, about 1.5 hours of X (pain) x10 to the power 'a bloody lot' < literally and metaphysically>
Y will be complete but short due to likely infection
Warning guests my arrive, often called 'Ambulance Service'

B) if X = binge watching Jeremy Kyle UK or USA t of 1 week, with y showing initial cringing, followed by disbelief, ending in weeping, then complete calm.

Warning, guests may arrive, often called ' neighbours' asking you to pipe down.

C) X= having 5 or more "children" T = 25-30 years, with y almost imperceptible or stochastic cognitive decline, speeds up in presence or 1 or more teenagers.

Warning may involve a special guest known as " husband" for some or all of the time.

Oh fucky fuck, Richard III.

Does cognitive decline count as reverse improvement?

Well exactly Naked it's just like when we worked on Enigma together.

Could you do a sum please to make the cabal realise how worrying it is that we lack the survival skillz needed should we end up in prehistory? Thanks.

Henry III was an interesting curveball though!

A sum, oh thigh

If a is the number of ways to gain food at our disposal, Kb= ways to achieve constant (K) supply of slankets. And c is the comfort quantity we currently enjoy.

Then the product of akb must be > than c x10 to the power of a bloody lot.*

Currently a = 2 { 1: husbands bring snacks: 2 *go to other people's houses/ huts for snacks}
b = 2 {1: get them from the slanket cupboard:2: order them off amazon}

K = infinity

2* ( infinityx2) = c X 10 to the power of a bloody lot or abl

Correcting for prehistory

2 X 0 = 0

Thus c= 0 which is much. Lower than anything X 10 to the power of a bloody lot.

Ergo we are about as ready for prehistory as Mrs May is for Brexit.

Yes, that was precisely my point Naked I've offered to train wolves, repel intruders, milk things and pick low hanging fruit.

Do you know what this lot are chucking in the pot? Kylie dancing and medical research.

We're all going to starve if we accidentally go back in time!

I might as well talk to a cabbage. This is how your lobotomies have affected me. I'm wailing into an echo chamber. Selfish.

Going back in time would clearly be a mistake if anyone has a time machine we will have to restrict the use to going back to the 1970s to get decent tins of Quality street at Christmas.

Just reading through last night's posts before I've had my coffee. Priorities. I totally thought Sonny said she had a Groupon voucher for Fuckboys.

Not so, thigh. If we go back in time, we can use our knowledge to correctly predict and be on the right side of history.

Viz Marty McFly in Back to the Future.

Too much maths Naked. All the maths you ever need is "My x left me. I don't know y"

X (effort) + Y(No) = Thighway

Getting she does have a voucher for Fuckboys doesn't she? She's currently shagging about 7 of them (no judgement). I hope they don't jizz on her sandwiches.

Project yet again you have solved the conundrum, thanks goodness you're in charge of gold hot pants and a stick on willy.

Living in London as i do i often look at expensive houses that don't belong to me and think. If i withdraw £500 and go back to 1850 and buy you then come back to the present and sell you I'll be a zillionaire.

Living in London as i do i often look at expensive houses that don't belong to me and think. If i withdraw £500 and go back to 1850 and buy you then come back to the present and sell you I'll be a zillionaire.

That's how we'll fill the coffers!

Or even just go back to myself in the 90s to stop dicking about and buy a studio flat in Notting Hill.

Not only would I be rich but I’d be best friends with Gwyneth paltrow and have a freshly steamed vagina.

The last groupon voucher I had was for a chocolate facial. It made my skin nice but I also spent half an hour smelling chocolate I couldn't eat. I was lying down though so swings and roundabouts.

My sarnies are safe from the fuckboys as I guard them jealously. One did jizz on me but then he carried me into the shower and washed it off so I forgave him.

Buying some shares in FB and Google is my plan.

naked has put me off my lobotomy I don't like pain or guests!

Even so I am just too stupid to do maths in the first place so could be of no help upthread.

I'm really happy to see we have sorted out the issue of funding, it was becoming a thing.

Do you think there'll be a point in time when we are all neighbours in Notting Hill and don't realise it's us.

We mustn't invite each other in for coffees!

In Notting Hill we will probably meet each other while walking our dogs on sunny days. I am a small scruffy looking person with velour trousers. Huge Grant will not be interested thank god.

• I will probably be wearing my slanket too.

I'm thinking Mayfair, would they think my slanket is a posh cape?

I think I'll buy Buckingham Palace, it's big.

1. (sic) X (effort) + Y(No) = Thighway

Sorry, I have to step in here:

1. X (effort) x y(no) = Thighway.

If you add, the sum still contains the effort.

Huge Grant

Is he one of the Fuckboys?