I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I am a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and can solve anything, no matter how trivial.

Please enter my advice clinic where you will find kindly Agony Aunt services. My rules and solutions are mostly as follows:

1. Lie Down
2. No Guests
3. No One is Too Fat or Too Thin
4. No One Gets Told Off

< Drops into thread on parachute >

Phew made it back to Thighland!! Hello again thigh

Now what were we solving?

I think we need some more problems to solve. People of Mumsnet, how can we be of help?

I’ve been eating Nutella straight out the tub and now I feel sick. How do I sort my life out?

And I keep fibbing. It was actually Nutoka

I want someone to cuddle. The cat and dog are most disgruntled at me cuddling them without their permission. Any ideas?

Notthat do not change a thing, you are already getting it right.

Eating snacks until your feel sick is completely within the Thighway and one way I've found to relieve said sickness when have partaken of too many Monster MUnch is have a bucket beside you, not unlike a roman 'vomitorium' and purge yourself of the offending Nutella to make way for more Nutella.

Then wrap yourself in your slanket and stay lying down.

Oh Notthatsimple, pull up an armchair and have this slanket whilst the sickness subsides. Would it help to cancel out the sugar with some of this Monster Munch?

Nutoka, Nutella, it's all the same, that's not a fib. Sometimes that happens with food. What's wrong with your life?

Silly do you own a slanket? The comfort it provides will be the best hug you could ever experience whilst lying down.

If not you may need a Fuckboy until your Slanket arrives from Amazon. Exercise caution if employing a Fuckboy, they can be both stupid AND dangerous depending. Avoid Stupendous Steve!

SillyMoomin get one of those massive pillows you can drape yourself over, they don't complain.Living beings are very unreliable cuddlers.

oooooh very good point.

Off to google japanese half boyfriend pillows....

I'm bored and tired of being ill. What can I do?

Slankets, boyfriend pillows and monster munch actually sound like they may he solution to many of my problems! Thank you Thigh et al! 5 stars, would recommend

What is Nutoka? Is it made of vegetables?

I’ve been trying to arrange a get together with a friend for ages. Have finally agreed on a date and sent each other “yay can’t wait to catch up” messages.
I have now just realised I’ve got my dates wrong.
How do I apologise and grovel sufficiently that she will realise I do actually really want to see her and I’m just an idiot? She’s really busy so I’m worrying she won’t be able to make my alternative suggested date.

simple bring your friends, no problem too ridiculous. We've solved everything so far with the super Thighway.

Judge if it is "work" preventing you from keeping this date, call in sick. Preferred illness are labrynthitis, lupus and megalomania.

Have made a total tit of myself flying off the handle at work and now need to be the epitome of calm and grace until everyone forgets I was a twat.

Tips please...

Sadly it’s lack of childcare for the date in question.

Sneaky Gremlins I am sorry to hear that you are ill.

Maybe a change of perspective will help you to see the advantages of being ill so relieve the boredom.

Advantage 1 - people will be understanding of your need to lie around in a slanket and allow you to demand certain snacks be brought to you all day thus spending days being very 'thigh'.

Adv 2 - People will understand that you do not want to host 'guests' which is far too taxing for Thighland dwellers and will hopefully just invite you to be pampered at their house and eat their food instead.

Adv 3 - If you have pets other people can be more easily pursuaded to do all the donkey work to care for them whilst you stay lying down and enjoying the benefits of this.

Adv 4 - If you have to work then you can stay on long term sick leave enjoying all of the above and still get paid.

There must be some more advantages of genuine illness, it depends which way you look at it. By the law of thigh we should always be aiming for reverse improvement and genuine illness supports this in many ways.

Judge could you introduce your friend to Thighland this get her to embrace the lore of thigh , she will soon see that a cancellation in plans is not to worry about and will prefer to just rest at home in a slanket enjoying wine and various nibbles at her leisure and then you are off the hook.

drizzle could you bring forth a box of Krispy Kremes to the office and offer around. This could bring about forgiveness. Remember if your manager tells you off, managers are always insane so it doesn't really matter.

If no forgiveness is forthcoming then then thigh will be able to advise on having your workmates terminated and safe disposal of their bodies thus ensuring a promotion for you as you will then be the only person left to run the company!

Judge comfort yourself with the fact that everyone is secretly received when plans are cancelled, even plans they are quite keen on.

Barring unforeseen terminal illness or accident, there will be a date in the future when you can meet. When that comes you can take her a packet of Monster Munch.

How old are these children? Perhaps they might enjoy the freedom of a night without childcare?

Dangly I'm so proud of your skillz, I'm glad i decided to have your face tattooed on my face

Sneaky perhaps you need a change of scene. How seriously are you incapacitated? Drag yourself to another room and lie on the floor, looking at the ceiling. See what comes to mind. Your mind is a veritable feast of wonders.

Or have you got that itchy feeling that you need to move and possibly experience fresh air? Go for a walk. Disguise yourself if necessary. Look at everything very closely, like a toddler. This can be marvellously refreshing.

If you haven't washed for a few days (no judgement), do that. Illness can stick to you. Run a bath and do that thing where you submerge yourself and then pop up, renewed.

Make a shaving foam beard and mohawk. It's not cultural appropriation in the privacy of your own bathroom.