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Original poster

Bridesmaid 3 weeks after giving birth

195 replies

SamanthaEvans · 10/02/2019 18:49

Hiya,

I'm in such a difficult situation and I don't know what to do!

My husbands brother and fiance live abroad and planned to hold their wedding abroad a couple of years ago for August this year. They asked us to be best man and bridesmaid. They've decided this week to hold their wedding in the UK and bring the date to May instead - 3 weeks after my due date.

The bridesmaid dresses where bought today without my knowledge and I won't be able to try it on until they're home (1 week before the wedding).
None of this would have been an issue if our baby was invited to the wedding but it isn't Sad. I'm hoping to breastfeed too which may be an issue and I don't want to feel like the fat, ugly bridesmaid hiding under 10 pairs of spanx!

My husband has to be there as it's his brother and the thought of leaving my baby already gives me anxiety. But I feel bad letting them down as they flew home to the UK for our wedding last year. I don't want them to think I'm coming up with a lame excuse for not being able to make it as it's only 20 miles away from home now rather than it being abroad and I should make the effort for them like they did for us.

My parents are more than happy to mind the baby for us, but as a first time mum I don't know how I'm going to take to mum life?

I think I'm just going through a tough time at the minute and making situations into a bigger deal than what they have to be. I just don't want the guilt of leaving baby at home or not going to the wedding.

xx

OP posts:
legolimb · 10/02/2019 18:53

I don't think this will work out.

Your baby could be two weeks late

You plan to breastfeed? New babies feed often. Baby would need to be with you.

If it was me I would decline.

MissBPotter · 10/02/2019 18:53

You can’t go and definitely don’t feel bad since they presumably didn’t have a brand new baby for your wedding. Why on earth is your poor baby not invited, he or she won’t exactly be eating anything. Both my dc were nearly two weeks late so I would have been 1 week post partum in this case, definitely not wanting to be on show as a bridesmaid and more importantly, needing to be home most of the time to establish breastfeeding. I found it pretty easy but many don’t.

And either way there is no chance you could leave baby for any significant amount of time at that stage. I would decline but would say something like ‘what a shame I can’t be a bridesmaid, such a shame you didn’t consider my due date when you brought your wedding forward by three months as it’s now impossible for me to attend and I was really looking forward to it. Anyway hope you have a wonderful day’.

fussygalore118 · 10/02/2019 18:53

Ok so if the baby is late it could be just one week.old. that just seems maddness. And while I can understand a child free wedding not allowing a one ( or 3)week old baby is surely an easy way to opt out here.

I would be apologetic and decline to be a bridesmaid and tbh wouldn't go without being able to take the baby

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EdWinchester · 10/02/2019 18:55

I wouldn't dream of leaving a newborn.

I was breast feeding and not much else at this stage.

SweetheartNeckline · 10/02/2019 18:55

I would decline. I'd have given if a bash with a sling and a baby of a few days / weeks old but it probably won't be possible (and you probably won't want to) leave your baby at potentially a week to a month old.

Heyha · 10/02/2019 18:57

Surely they must have an idea this could be tricky for you so they shouldn't be too shocked...it might be more doable without the pressure of 'bridesmaiding' though? Could you stay in a hotel nearby and have DC and your mum there so you can pop out/leave completely depending on how you feel, but still manage the ceremony and bits of the afters?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/02/2019 18:57

You won’t be able to go:
Baby could be late
You may be establishing breastfeeding
You may not want to
Leave your baby
You may be still recovering from the delivery
You may just be too bloody knackered to bother focusing on their day

Whilst it should be blindingly obvious to even the biggest brideZilla send your apologies now.

LL83 · 10/02/2019 18:58

You won't leave the baby for a day/evening at 3 weeks. Are you sure baby cant come? Often newborns are allowed at child free weddings.

Bride and groom might not understand, but when they have their own they will get it.

Cookit · 10/02/2019 18:59

Absolutely not possibly with a breastfeeding baby that is just a few weeks old.

RevolvingBananaHaiku · 10/02/2019 19:03

I'd say it's too difficult to predict what might happen. DC might be late; you might ultimately need a CS; you just might not feel well!

On top of that, if you're BF as a PP said you will need DC with you at that age.

Bow out gently now Smile

CountessVonBoobs · 10/02/2019 19:03

I was all ready to say "I don't think this will work" before I clicked, when I was assuming your baby would be with you. And I'm one of the people who had a totally straightforward first birth (at 40 weeks) and went to a party 8 days later. (With my EBF baby.)

Baby isn't invited and you want to breastfeed? You can't go. Period. It's not without the bounds of possibility that you'll still be in hospital. You just can't go. Stuff happens. Timing is bad. Tbh your DH may not be able to go if you go over and/or have a difficult birth, so he should hold that option in reserve. But you can't go, at all. It won't work. Decline now and feel good about it.

mummmy2017 · 10/02/2019 19:05

Just tell them you will try to be there...
But she could be down one bridesmaid.
That the dress worried you...
And I would get your mum to go and book a room at the last minute at the venue.
It is worth making the effort, the bride will know you tried so hard to sort it...
If in the end you just can't do the bridesmaid bit, it won't be for want of trying.
I was out and about 3 days after my baby, you never know how you will feel, some people take to motherhood like a duck to water, some don't...

Neolara · 10/02/2019 19:05

I went to a wedding when my dd was a week old. We turned up late, dressed very unsuitablly as nothing fitted and stayed for a very short time. There is no way on Earth I would have been in any fit state to have been a bridesmaid in anything other than name. I think you would be absolutely nuts to even consider this for a moment. Presumably the bridge and groom don't have kids or they would appreciate the difficulties. Send your DH along and import your parents to help you for the day. I think attending the wedding with your baby as a normal guest might be an option proving your baby arrives roughly on time but even that will present difficulties.

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 10/02/2019 19:05

God no it’s just not feasible. Decline the bridesmaid role completely.

Maybe maybe if you really want to show willing and you feel up to it you could go to the service with your mum dad and baby installed in the closest cafe and then come away but that’s still a very tall order.

I was 16 days late with my DS and was in hospital for 2 days after delivery so anything can happen.

pancakes22 · 10/02/2019 19:05

I have just been in this situation with a friend. Baby was going to be 6 weeks at the wedding that I was meant to be bridesmaid for. At first we tried to go along with the arrangements but at every step I was having to say sorry I'm not going to be able to do that... I couldn't commit to staying overnight with her the night before because I wouldn't be leaving baby so soon; I wouldn't be able to leave baby while getting ready as baby would be breastfed so she would have to put up with a newborn baby being there on the morning of the wedding; I couldn't wear the dress she wanted because of breastfeeding and I was really worried what on earth I would do with the baby during the ceremony and photos. In the end she asked me to step down from being bridesmaid and although I feel a bit sad not to be walking her down the aisle and being there in her photos as part of the wedding party it is a relief that I am just going to be able to focus on babies needs. At 3 weeks the baby will definitely be wanting as much contact as possible with you, if your planning on breastfeeding then you won't want to be away for long and it's very early for your body to be relying on expressing etc. You may be overdue in which case baby could only be a week old. Although it's hard I would strongly recommend just being a guest and then you can feed as much as you need to and concentrate on baby.

ApolloandDaphne · 10/02/2019 19:07

You don't need a lame excuse, you have a perfectly valid reason not to be a bridesmaid or even go to this wedding.

cestlavielife · 10/02/2019 19:07

No you can't agree to be bridesmaid.
Tell them You can in principle go with baby but might need to drop out if difficult birth or baby unwell.
Too much unknown
You don't have to be bridesmaid
Just say no

TumbleDry · 10/02/2019 19:07

No way you can leave a 3 week old especially if you plan to breastfeed. My LO won't take a bottle at 3 months, you would need your newborn used to a bottle before you go to the wedding but this will be really difficult if you're also trying to establish breastfeeding.

I went to my SIL wedding with a 3 week old but I wasn't a bridesmaid and I had a nursing dress on. It was stressful just being a guest as my focus had to be on the baby - as a brideamaid I can't even imagine!

They ABU if they expect you to leave the baby that early

Swissgemma · 10/02/2019 19:07

I have been to a wedding with a week old baby and bridesmaid mum. Obviously baby was there! Bridesmaid wore a beautiful séraphine maternity dress so looked lovely. Newborn passed around while she was bridesmaiding and she breastfed during the service when needed!

MamaLovesMango · 10/02/2019 19:08

There’s precisely no chance you’ll be able to go without your baby I’m afraid. Even if you give birth early or on time, It would be entirely normal for a 3 or 4 week old to be glued to you 24/7. If it’s very early, you’ll likely still be in hospital and if it’s late you’ll more than likely not be up and about. That’s not a pessimistic view, it’s a realistic one and any realistic mother wouldn’t let on any differently. Plus you’ll have absolutely no idea whether the dress she wants will fit. Your body changes vastly!

Don’t feel bad. I’m assuming that they knew your due date and didn’t even consider you when making their plans and demands. This really is of their own making. I’d send DH but bow out now so that you’re not under anymore pressure throughout the rest of your pregnancy.

scaredofthecity · 10/02/2019 19:09

Another who says no way without your baby. You can't leave them when they're that little when your breastfeeding. It just doesn't work.
Even if you can take the baby you may not be fit to be at an all day wedding, and especially not a bridesmaid.
The first couple of weeks with a baby are hard, you leak milk everywhere and you're still bleeding.

Caspiana · 10/02/2019 19:14

Did they know you were pregnant when they did this? Seems a very odd decision.

20 miles away? There could be a way round it by taking your mother to near the wedding and regularly nipping our but even that would be subject to when the baby came and how it went. And frankly I wouldn’t be bothered about making that kind of effort given their stance. I am not one for “but a baby isn’t a child why can’t I bring them” bullshit when it comes to weddings, but this is the groom’s nephew or niece.

I hate babies at weddings, think they’re a nightmare. However my BM was due 3 weeks before my wedding, told her if she came then of course baby was welcome and she could confirm on the day of the wedding if she was able to make it or not, love to see her but understand if she couldn’t. Given the relationship with the child I would have thought that would be more what you should be able to expect.

And as for expecting you to fit into a dress 3 weeks postpartum - is it a breastfeeding friendly dress? A loose one to reflect you’ll have no idea what size you’ll be?

It’s their wedding, they can do what they want but if I were you I would decline. Doesn’t sound like they’re making much effort to make it easy for you to attend.

RandomMess · 10/02/2019 19:15

Pull out now, explain you would love to be there but realistically it's unlikely so far better they go ahead without you.

MamaLovesMango · 10/02/2019 19:17

Gosh yes, I didn’t even take into account the possibility of CS and the bleeding!

Whoever said up thread, that they got out and about after three days with their baby and some people take to motherhood and some don’t, didn’t read your OP properly and is talking crap when it comes to their latter statement. How you take to motherhood isn’t in any way measured by how soon you ‘got out and about’.

Blueuggboots · 10/02/2019 19:18

I would say no to being a bridesmaid right now and say you'll come if you can.

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