Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Bridesmaid 3 weeks after giving birth

195 replies

SamanthaEvans · 10/02/2019 18:49

Hiya,

I'm in such a difficult situation and I don't know what to do!

My husbands brother and fiance live abroad and planned to hold their wedding abroad a couple of years ago for August this year. They asked us to be best man and bridesmaid. They've decided this week to hold their wedding in the UK and bring the date to May instead - 3 weeks after my due date.

The bridesmaid dresses where bought today without my knowledge and I won't be able to try it on until they're home (1 week before the wedding).
None of this would have been an issue if our baby was invited to the wedding but it isn't Sad. I'm hoping to breastfeed too which may be an issue and I don't want to feel like the fat, ugly bridesmaid hiding under 10 pairs of spanx!

My husband has to be there as it's his brother and the thought of leaving my baby already gives me anxiety. But I feel bad letting them down as they flew home to the UK for our wedding last year. I don't want them to think I'm coming up with a lame excuse for not being able to make it as it's only 20 miles away from home now rather than it being abroad and I should make the effort for them like they did for us.

My parents are more than happy to mind the baby for us, but as a first time mum I don't know how I'm going to take to mum life?

I think I'm just going through a tough time at the minute and making situations into a bigger deal than what they have to be. I just don't want the guilt of leaving baby at home or not going to the wedding.

xx

OP posts:
HavelockVetinari · 10/02/2019 19:49

OMG don't do it! At 3 weeks post-partum you won't want to be away from baby more than an hour or two at most (if at all!) and if you're breast feeding you'll still be establishing it and therefore feeding constantly. DS latched like a champ, and my milk came in really quickly, but I still had to feed him every 90 minutes on average for the first 6 weeks!

Springwalk · 10/02/2019 19:50

Tell them gently that you won’t be coming to the wedding as soon as possible. Far better that they know now than one week before.

Too many variables, and there is no way even best case you will feel up to it or want to leave your baby so soon.

Bow out gracefully and wish them well, my bf couldn’t come to our wedding for the same reason. It will be fine.

JaesseJexaMaipru · 10/02/2019 19:52

I would put the odds at about 60% that you won't be able to be there at all, and about 20% that circumstances might arise that it's more appropriate for DH to be with you and little-one rather than at the wedding.

There are women who bounce back after giving birth. There are babies that are relatively easy low-maintenance and spend most of the first 6 weeks asleep when not feeding. Nothing is inevitable. But both you and DH cannot make any firm plans at all, you will have to see how things are on the day.

The happy couple will be too enraptured with one another to care that much if either of you are there. It's not an exercise in proving that you love them more than your own health and sanity.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Weddings
spugzbunny · 10/02/2019 19:52

I am all for time away from your baby but this is just not going to work for you I'm afraid! You need to feed your baby at least every 2 hours but on demand breastfeeding could mean for any length of time and interval. Unless they are horrible people they really should understand this and either let you bring the baby or be completely understanding in excusing you. Tell them ASAP so they can either return the dress or ask someone to step in.

Lindtnotlint · 10/02/2019 19:58

Absolutely 100 per cent ridiculous to expect you to go without baby. No way.

With baby maybe. Some people can some people can’t it is luck of the draw.

I would try to explain that newborns really need to be an exception. Some friends of ours didn’t have our newborn and they are so ashamed of that decision now they have kids of their own!!

themostouting · 10/02/2019 19:58

I got married the day after I gave birth so it is totally doable (only if they let you have your baby in attendance of course!)
I had regular dress fittings, with the final one done 5 days before my wedding for the final alterations, and made sure I had everything I could possibly need for the baby on the big day packed the night before.

wakeupfishy · 10/02/2019 20:00

I'd leave it if I were you op.

Both my babies were feeding every 60-90 minutes at that age and I couldn't have left them anyway to be honest.

I'd leave your DH to go alone. The days post birth are for eating junk food, watching box sets and napping when possible!!

Also I hate to say it but one in every four women have a c section. I had a c section with dc2 and I can assure you I wouldn't have been able to go to a wedding a couple of weeks after. You might only be one week post birth.

Good luck and congratulations op Thanks

spugzbunny · 10/02/2019 20:02

I think they'll look back on this when they have their own children and be embarrassed. Child free weddings are great, loads of fun in fact but babes in arms are the exception!

Lollypop701 · 10/02/2019 20:02

My sil was my bridesmaid... 6 weeks post partum, I’d booked 2 years in advance so these thing happen! I invited her in laws all day and night who I didn’t really know to help (as mil fil were going to be busy anyway) . She did whatever she wanted but I’m grateful she was my bridesmaid. I had no children at this point. Your presence is either absolutely wanted, regardless of how you Manage it (especially having a newborn) Or they are putting themselves above on the wedding pedestal... it’s absolutely our day etc. there’s nothing wrong with either choice. But it is a choice ... telling everyone with kids you have a special license as bridesmaid with a newborn is their Choice. Or not. I’d say no unless they can accommodate your situation

nonamesareavailable · 10/02/2019 20:03

Oh my gosh you can't go if you can't take the baby. Absolutely no way. And even if you can take the baby you won't want to go. Take the pressure off and decline now.

DoctorDread · 10/02/2019 20:04

Another voice to add to the thronging cries of 'no way'! I gave a similar dilemma inasmuch as I have a client who has booked a wedding and then found out she was pregnant and is due 10 days before the wedding AND IS STILL GOING AHEAD WITH the wedding AS PLANNed! I can't think of a worse idea tbh but she won't take any advice!

Drum2018 · 10/02/2019 20:07

Ok, there is no way you can be bridesmaid. You could end up having a section at 42 weeks so rule that job out now. Better to tell them now that you can't be bridesmaid rather than wait til nearer the time. They have changed the goalposts so it's not your fault you can't do it. They'd be very unreasonable to even expect that you can still carry out that role. As for not inviting the baby, I can understand that to a point, but not for a tiny new baby. If they really want you there they will have to be flexible on that issue. Your mother can't feed your baby so no point arranging now for her to mind him/her. And at a couple of weeks old, if even, it's too soon to be getting to grips with expressing. But do tell them asap so they can organise another bridesmaid.

Crunchymum · 10/02/2019 20:07

@themostouting

How comes you got married the day after delivery?

Just intrigued as to why you didn't cancel or postpone when you fell pregnant?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/02/2019 20:10

planned to hold their wedding abroad ... for August this year

decided this week to hold their wedding in the UK and bring the date to May instead

Surely it's this change of plan which has really caused the issue? Naturally they get to choose the where and when, but by the same token it's hardly your fault that the wedding's now so close to your due date and that you can't have the baby there (not that I blame them for this bit)?

Unless they're prepared to keep arrangements very loose and accept you dropping out at short notice, I'd personally withdraw now ... while saying how much you'd love to have been there and wishing them every happiness of course

themostouting · 10/02/2019 20:13

@Crunchymum
We had unforeseen fertility issues (1st baby for both DH and I) and we had to make a choice whether to continue TTC or potentially set ourselves back another 3 years.
Wedding was booked 18months+ before we conceived, by which point, we had secured all our vendors and couldn't part ways with a significant chunk of our budget.
DD was slightly early (I had expected 2 weeks late!) and a very welcome guest at our wedding ❤️

PersonaNonGarter · 10/02/2019 20:14

These are the discussions of people who know zero about newborns. Sorry, OP, anyone with any experience is going to tell you that this will not work out.

You need an older relative to tell the bride and groom that they know fuck all and should expect that neither you or DH will be leaving your baby.

Figgygal · 10/02/2019 20:20

It just won't be possible on that timescale

adelias · 10/02/2019 20:23

No way o could have gone to a wedding that soon after giving birth. I was still in considerable pain 3 weeks after birth

FenellaMaxwell · 10/02/2019 20:24

That just isn’t doable - if you go overdue, it could be a week old baby. If you go overdue and have any complications or a section you might still be in hospital. Just say no.

Sipperskipper · 10/02/2019 20:32

I am always more than happy to have time away from my DD, but this would be impossible.

3 weeks after my due date, DD & I had only been home from hospital a week! (She was a week late, then we had to stay in a week). I had an emergency CS, and at this point could just about walk to the end of my garden. I was trying to establish BF and spent pretty much all day every day on the sofa with my boobs out! I was a total wreck, as was DH.

You really just need to say no. They are being very unreasonable. Its nuts!!!

Cheesybiscuits01 · 10/02/2019 20:34

3 weeks after my due date we were both still in hospital and my baby in the neonatal unit. My husband only left at kicking out time to go home and sleep. Their ideas are very unrealistic. You can't leave your baby and your husband may not want too.

Iloveacurry · 10/02/2019 20:38

Bloody hell, just let your DH go to the wedding by himself. Your baby might only be 1 week old. They are being very unreasonable expecting you to go and be a bridesmaid.

BonBonVoyage · 10/02/2019 20:39

Oh god. Definitely decline the whole thing. After three weeks I could barely get dressed for the baby's doctors check. And had to reschedule it for the afternoon because I couldn't get out of the house before noon. And I could just about sit down comfortably. And that was with a very straightforward birth and very easy baby. Just say no now and then relax!!

anotherwearytraveller · 10/02/2019 20:40

Say no
It’s insane and they are horrible
You might only be a week postnatal if you go overdue

Leaky boobs, still bleeding, trying to establish breast feeding.

And who says no to a guest bringing a new born baby along ffs.

Horrible pair

Caspiana · 10/02/2019 20:40

It would be a shame for your husband to miss his brother’s wedding despite all this but I would ask your mum to come to you to support you that day. Hopefully you’ll be fine but I wasn’t very mobile at that point and relied on other people to help lift baby etc so be good to make plans not to be alone.

Swipe left for the next trending thread