Bridesmaid 3 weeks after giving birth

[SamanthaEvans]

Hiya,

I'm in such a difficult situation and I don't know what to do!

My husbands brother and fiance live abroad and planned to hold their wedding abroad a couple of years ago for August this year. They asked us to be best man and bridesmaid. They've decided this week to hold their wedding in the UK and bring the date to May instead - 3 weeks after my due date.

The bridesmaid dresses where bought today without my knowledge and I won't be able to try it on until they're home (1 week before the wedding).
None of this would have been an issue if our baby was invited to the wedding but it isn't . I'm hoping to breastfeed too which may be an issue and I don't want to feel like the fat, ugly bridesmaid hiding under 10 pairs of spanx!

My husband has to be there as it's his brother and the thought of leaving my baby already gives me anxiety. But I feel bad letting them down as they flew home to the UK for our wedding last year. I don't want them to think I'm coming up with a lame excuse for not being able to make it as it's only 20 miles away from home now rather than it being abroad and I should make the effort for them like they did for us.

My parents are more than happy to mind the baby for us, but as a first time mum I don't know how I'm going to take to mum life?

I think I'm just going through a tough time at the minute and making situations into a bigger deal than what they have to be. I just don't want the guilt of leaving baby at home or not going to the wedding.

xx

⬆️ “Bribed” should be “understand”. ⬆️

Her response misses the point though, if others are also leaving their small children to come to the wedding that's their choice. Why would they then be jealous if they see a tiny newborn? The bride seems completely self absorbed to think that these other parents are putting her wedding above their own children unwilling. But there's a massive difference between leaving a toddler/older baby and a tiny ebf newborn. She clearly doesn't get that!

One day out after 3 weeks is doable if you feel well, and you have a mum who offered to help and could be near to the church ,
Any new mum listening to mums here would get a very warped view of motherhood .... Glued to a sofa and needing someone to wipe your brow.
95% of mums are fine by 3 weeks....

Well yes, if she had to she could of course get her mother to sit outside the church and venue all day and night with the newborn in the car so OP can run in and out to be present at the wedding and feed the baby as required. Bridesmaiding is probably out though and the dress won’t fit. She won’t be drinking as will be bf and at a week or few pp having not slept properly since the birth probably won’t feel like socializing all day or tearing up the dance floor. But if she absolutely had to, yes, she could do it.

But it’s a wedding not an endurance test. A wedding where you have been explicitly told your baby is not welcome and a wedding that has been moved forward at the last minute to be scheduled just after your due date.

I am 99 per cent sure I could attend if I absolutely had to and am 100 per cent sure I wouldn’t bother.

Very glad it's sorted op.

I had to attend a work commitment when dd was 3 weeks old. I discussed with my midwife in advance and she advised against expressing at that point and said giving her a bottle so early could cause nipple confusion. So dp came with me and I popped in and out to breastfeed. No way I could have left her at that age.

One of my friends had a new born when I got married. I said just decide on the day if they could come and stay for whatever time worked for them.

tomhardysmyspace the response says 5 family guests with “small babies”. I totally agree with the bride it’s all or nothing in that scenario and to be fair, 5 babies is a bit different to 1. I think it’s a shame they won’t meet their new niece/nephew but she hasn’t got shitty with the OP so good luck to her.

Good luck OP!

You'll look back and laugh at the very idea of going to a wedding as a bridesmaid without your baby, when the time comes.

Nevermind about the baby bit, putting on some kind of fitted formal dress when you're leaking from umpteen places

the response says 5 family guests with “small babies”. I totally agree with the bride it’s all or nothing in that scenario and to be fair, 5 babies is a bit different to 1

Depends on the family doesn’t it? OP’s child is the groom’s brother and best man’s child. Doesn’t get any closer than that save for it being the bride and groom’s child. I would bet not one of these five babies belongs to the bride’s sister, probably more likely a cousin or something. It’s not the same.

This is a wild guess and of course the bride may be banning her own sister’s newborn, but I doubt it.

Off topic slightly OP but just hoping your user name isn’t your real name? You could be quite easily outed by this thread

@RainbowWaffles ... whilst I agree with everything you are saying, you can drink while breastfeeding. Before, after, during. No need to pump and dump. That's another thread entirely though.

Response:

‘Obviously I am not going to be there. Who leaves a three week old baby?’

whilst I agree with everything you are saying, you can drink while breastfeeding. Before, after, during. No need to pump and dump. That's another thread entirely though.

You are right you can drink moderately and bf, I was thinking more of the standard wedding drinking although I probably wouldn’t be capable of that after being out of practice for so long!

@Daisy03 I've changed it now but even if this post is seen it might make them think in the future

I must be the only one who didn’t feel her reply was particularly understanding or nice!

She keeps reiterating about other people having babies. Well first of all most child free weddings allow babes in arms. Secondly yours is family and newborn. She really doesn’t have a clue. Also asking if you were still actually coming at all. When you’ve said you can’t leave the baby/might be in hospital/ might have had a c-section. She just sounds selfish.

I’m pleased you’ve sorted it but I hope she looks back and cringes at her behaviour towards family.

Well first of all most child free weddings allow babes in arms

Rubbish. Maybe in your circle of friends but not mine. It’s also totally up to the couple getting married.

I thought they reply was nice because it didn’t get shitty and ask why OP couldn’t just get a babysitter, or imply she just didn’t want to be there etc as so often seems to happen. No ill feeling.

Also I note as ever it’s the bride being criticised not the groom.

Maybe it is in my circle of (nice) friends but in general ‘babes in arms’ especially family newborn babies are different to children that take up seats/ eat etc so are considered an exception. Of course it’s up the the bride and groom though. They need to accept that if she’s breastfeeding and they say ‘no baby’ then his own sister can’t come to the wedding....

Also think it was off of her to bring up OP’s
Wedding that was childfree. As OP said it was a different situation and no family babies. So no I don’t think the reply was that nice.

Caspiana, the difference is that the other 5 are clearly happy leaving their babies to go to the wedding, the OP is not. I do think the bride is being a bit shitty considering the age of the baby (who is very likely to actually be a few days old, rather than weeks old) be and the closeness of the relationship to the couple marrying.

tomhardys

They’re not necessarily “happy” to do so, we don’t know how old the babies are or what the relationship is. We also don’t know that all 5 are attending.

I said right at the start that I think the OPs baby should be invited, and more recently that I would invite the 5 family babies (and in fact all family children). But it’s not my wedding and if she thinks she will get blowback from the others for inviting the OP’s baby and not theirs, then that’s up to her.

I take your point, I just can't imagine that someone would go to a wedding if they really weren’t happy to leave their child behind. It's not a compulsory event, no matter what the relation to the bride or groom. Maybe if some of them aren’t attending that is actually the reason? But the bride wouldn’t know that unless they’d told her why. I’ve happily been to child-free weddings, but mine were 6 months plus, not newborns. I just think exceptions should be made if someone (especially such a close relation) specifically says they’re unhappy leaving their baby. I just feel there’s a general lack of understanding and support for bf in this country in general so think the couple getting married need to adjust their attitude a bit. Surely you want your wedding guests to be happy and enjoy the day too? Anyone attending who’s had a baby will get that such a tiny newborn shouldn’t be away from their mother. I just can’t imagine anyone getting annoyed about that.

OP well done for sorting it out so politely. I’m sorry they won’t allow your very small newborn to come at all so that you can also go to some of the wedding. But even if they said you could it is hard work.

I went to a wedding when my first and EBF baby was 5 weeks old. It was at a country house hotel with many hours between events. I was starving for most of the day. That baby in now in their 20s and I remember it sooo clearly.

I can still remember the button through Monsoon dress I wore that I thought would be good to breast feed in. It wasn’t. Tops and bottoms are much less exposing. I had soaked breastpads to deal with.

At the meal we were sat on a different table to my best friend. I was on the same table as DH but all the couples were split up to facilitate chatting I assume. The second we sat down the other couples (older, my age now) clocked how ridiculous the seating plan and got up and moved themselves round so I was at least sat next to DH.

The baby finally fell asleep and relieved, I put her in a buggy against the wall. The staff said she was in the way (wasn’t) and could I put her in the foyer (public space). So we had to pick her up and hold her.

The baby was brilliant but as soon as we got to our bedroom later she lost the plot after lots of snatched feeds and she screamed blue murder. We were exhausted the next morning. Then drove home with her crying some more .

A few years later I went to visit the bride who had a 2 month old. “I am so sorry!” she said, “I can’t believe what I put you through at our wedding. I had no idea.”