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Original poster

Bridesmaid 3 weeks after giving birth

195 replies

SamanthaEvans · 10/02/2019 18:49

Hiya,

I'm in such a difficult situation and I don't know what to do!

My husbands brother and fiance live abroad and planned to hold their wedding abroad a couple of years ago for August this year. They asked us to be best man and bridesmaid. They've decided this week to hold their wedding in the UK and bring the date to May instead - 3 weeks after my due date.

The bridesmaid dresses where bought today without my knowledge and I won't be able to try it on until they're home (1 week before the wedding).
None of this would have been an issue if our baby was invited to the wedding but it isn't Sad. I'm hoping to breastfeed too which may be an issue and I don't want to feel like the fat, ugly bridesmaid hiding under 10 pairs of spanx!

My husband has to be there as it's his brother and the thought of leaving my baby already gives me anxiety. But I feel bad letting them down as they flew home to the UK for our wedding last year. I don't want them to think I'm coming up with a lame excuse for not being able to make it as it's only 20 miles away from home now rather than it being abroad and I should make the effort for them like they did for us.

My parents are more than happy to mind the baby for us, but as a first time mum I don't know how I'm going to take to mum life?

I think I'm just going through a tough time at the minute and making situations into a bigger deal than what they have to be. I just don't want the guilt of leaving baby at home or not going to the wedding.

xx

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 11/02/2019 08:26

What the heck is wrong with you all.
This is your brother in law.
Having a baby is not an illness.
Not going to this wedding is just plain wrong, it will effect your family relationships for ever.
Breastfeeding means all the baby faff is half the effort.
You tell her you will go... Can't do brides maid.... But will be in the church....
Book a room and be there...
Unless your dad n hospital ..

FenellaMaxwell · 11/02/2019 08:27

Umm.... right, @mummmy2017 Hmm

FenellaMaxwell · 11/02/2019 08:28

The OP could have had a baby mere days before. She may not have had the opportunity to establish breastfeeding. And the baby isn’t invited so unless you are suggesting she breastfeed remotely, I’m not sure what you think she can do Hmm

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ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 11/02/2019 08:31

To be honest it seems like an excuse to not have you there.

Newborn babies breastfed all the time. Easily every few hours. Your boobs will be leaky veiny and sore. You will still be bleeding. If you have a c section you won't be able to stand or dance.

mummmy2017 · 11/02/2019 08:33

Might....
She will tell the family she will be there bar. Being in hospital...
Do you think after 3 weeks you won't have been shopping?
Or out for a meal.
I have done the wedding with a 2 week old baby... Yes breastfed...
This will turn his whole family against her....
No one cares if she pops out to the back room to feed the baby
But your all acting like a baby is contagious.
It is not, your life does not stop....

Calzone · 11/02/2019 08:35

I think I would try and go to the wedding to at least watch them get married. You could take your mum with you and leave the baby for half an hour in the car.

Bridesmaid duties are definitely out of the question especially overnight.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 11/02/2019 08:38

You’re missing the point mummmy2017
No one cares if she pops out to the back room to feed the baby
The baby isn’t allowed there.

DerelictWreck · 11/02/2019 08:40

This is mad.

I'm all for child free weddings but that doesn't extend to babes in arms! Especially not breastfed ones. Bonkers

mummmy2017 · 11/02/2019 08:43

Her mum said she would help...
Sorry but your all misleading the OP.
Having a baby does not mean life has to stop....
Please don't let yourself become convinced a baby turns you into an invalid.... if try you can make it happen...
Just talk to the bride and brother and law see what they think and be guided by them.....

SpeedyBojangles · 11/02/2019 08:48

*Mummy2017
*
The baby isn't invited. How is she going to attend a wedding whilst breastfeeding a tiny baby without the baby actually being there? I'm all for going out and doing things when you have a baby, done it myself, three times! But the the major point here is that she is unable to take the baby to the wedding.

mummmy2017 · 11/02/2019 08:51

Her mum has offered to help...
Baby can be near by...
Stop trying to pretend this can't be done
Unless OP intends to stay in bed for a month after the baby...

GrumbleBumble · 11/02/2019 08:55

We had a "as few children as possible" wedding. Friends who lived near the venue with school aged children didn't get to bring them. Family with under 10s who were traveling 200+ miles were invited to bring them. I pop in to meet the baby and tell my friend who had given birth about 8 weeks before the wedding that both her baby and her toddler were welcome (because I didn't want her 18 month old to feel pushed out by the baby if he wasn't allowed to go but the baby was). It's very easy to allow some children but not others. Your SIL clearly has no idea that babies don't always turn up on time, that birth isn't always straight forward, that a few days post birth is a messy, uncomfortable (and sometimes painful) time and that breastfeeding isn't done as three meals a day fitting in around other commitments. Can anyone who has had a baby have a word with her? Your MIL? Her mother?

BikeRunSki · 11/02/2019 09:02

Unless OP intends to stay in bed for a month after the baby...

This is usual practice in some cultures

SpeedyBojangles · 11/02/2019 09:06

She may also end up with a C section (hope not though OP). I've had three. No way I would be at a wedding that soon after a section. OP cannot guarantee she can be there so has done the right thing to bow out now.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 11/02/2019 09:07

Her mum has offered to help...
Baby can be near by...

20 miles away is not near by. Or are you saying the OP’s parents should just hide in a bathroom for the better part of let’s say 8 hours, so that OP can pop in and out when she needs to to feed the baby.

CountessVonBoobs · 11/02/2019 09:09

Staying in bed for a month after the baby sounds like a pretty damn good idea. OP may well be barely home from hospital, she really doesn't need the pressure of shovelling herself into a dress and leaving baby, even for an hour and with baby right outside the church.

I posted upthread that I had a straightforward first birth bang on time and went to a relaxed party (with baby) at 8 days PP. I forgot to mention that I really shouldn't have, and although I felt great at the time I paid for it later and was a fucking wreck at 6 weeks. I think we could do with reviving the tradition of lying-in in this country.

Shit happens. Babies come when they damn well feel like it. People miss weddings because of life. Very new mother + wedding baby isn't invited to = mother doesn't go, simples.

seven201 · 11/02/2019 09:15

I've been to plenty of child free weddings, but all of them have allowed breastfed babies under 6 months ish. I think your sil and bil to be are just naive! If they have children one day they'll look back and realise what twats they were. There is no way I'd leave my 3 week old. The baby may be cluster feeding all day long at that age. Your body and hormones may be a bit of a mess still. Don't feel any guilt at declining.

mummmy2017 · 11/02/2019 09:17

So OP if you go with the money ght could and should lot on here.... Your house bound for at least 2 weeks after the wedding ..

What a joke,. I am shocked to find how embarrassed I am for mums of today... 99% of mums I know would never ever accept being treated like this, mumsnet you should be ashamed of yourselves, telling a new mum she will unable to do anything once the baby is here.
It is not true....
A baby does not mean you become helpless and incapable of anything...
If your all like this, I hate to think how people perceive you ....

flumpybear · 11/02/2019 09:23

This sounds like a no to me, not only maybthe baby be only a week old, but If you have to have a caesarean you may only just Be out Of hospital - I was in for 5 days with each of my children
There's also a lot of post baby bleeding to deal with so pretty dresses may not be ideal particularly if light colours
You'll suffer anxiety if you're not with your baby but also your baby will too

I think they're being unreasonable - ignorant of babies and how they change your life, immediately they arrive, at best

FenellaMaxwell · 11/02/2019 09:34

@mummmy2017 you do understand that not everyone’s experience is like yours, right? Hmm You have conveniently not replied to those of us who asked you what your plan would be if the baby went overdue? Considering 70% of first babies do. And if she needs a c section? The baby could be days old and the OP recovering from major surgery. Maybe take your head out of your arse and stop dismissing everyone’s more sensible points of view.

FenellaMaxwell · 11/02/2019 09:39

Not to mention a quick AS reveals your children are in their late teens, which leads to the question of how accurately you are remembering the early days. Hmm

mummmy2017 · 11/02/2019 09:40

I have told you my plan...
Talk to bride and groom....
The baby could come early.
Most do not have a C Section .
Are you all so self absorbed you think a baby means life stops....
This wedding is now in the UK . 20 miles away, make some kind of effort..... Have plans to go ,unless the baby arrives late.

GrumbleBumble · 11/02/2019 09:40

mummmy no one is saying you can't do anything after giving birth (I was home alone with my son one week after a section and managed fine. What we are saying is three weeks is to close to the due to call and she almost certainly won't be able to leave a brand new breast fed baby OVERNIGHT which is what her SiL wants her to do.

FenellaMaxwell · 11/02/2019 09:42

The OP has TRIED to talk to the bride and groom. Having just shoved a human being out of your vagina, I don’t think it’s remotely unreasonable to be self-absorbed, no. I do, however, think it’s unreasonable to be belligerent and bullying and dismissive of anyone who doesn’t spring out of bed and dance the tango the second they give birth.

mummmy2017 · 11/02/2019 09:45

I was at a family weddings with a 2 week baby, who I fed myself.. we stayed in hotel. I had a great time, was glad I went...
I was a single mum. When I had my first.... If I had not gone shopping , long walk to town, we both would have starved....
A friend was supposed to take my child to school day after had second child, they never arrived, so I drove myself.
Yes you are tired, but life does not stop....