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Original poster

Bridesmaid 3 weeks after giving birth

195 replies

SamanthaEvans · 10/02/2019 18:49

Hiya,

I'm in such a difficult situation and I don't know what to do!

My husbands brother and fiance live abroad and planned to hold their wedding abroad a couple of years ago for August this year. They asked us to be best man and bridesmaid. They've decided this week to hold their wedding in the UK and bring the date to May instead - 3 weeks after my due date.

The bridesmaid dresses where bought today without my knowledge and I won't be able to try it on until they're home (1 week before the wedding).
None of this would have been an issue if our baby was invited to the wedding but it isn't Sad. I'm hoping to breastfeed too which may be an issue and I don't want to feel like the fat, ugly bridesmaid hiding under 10 pairs of spanx!

My husband has to be there as it's his brother and the thought of leaving my baby already gives me anxiety. But I feel bad letting them down as they flew home to the UK for our wedding last year. I don't want them to think I'm coming up with a lame excuse for not being able to make it as it's only 20 miles away from home now rather than it being abroad and I should make the effort for them like they did for us.

My parents are more than happy to mind the baby for us, but as a first time mum I don't know how I'm going to take to mum life?

I think I'm just going through a tough time at the minute and making situations into a bigger deal than what they have to be. I just don't want the guilt of leaving baby at home or not going to the wedding.

xx

OP posts:
spugzbunny · 11/02/2019 09:46

@mummmy2017

You do understand that BABY IS NOT INVITED right? Nobody is suggesting that she doesn't leave the house but they are suggesting that she can't go somewhere without a breast fed 3 week old baby!

If baby was invited I'd say definitely go! Maybe consider not being a bridesmaid or at least cutting back on duties to just the walk down the aisle but I repeat THE BABY ISNT INVITED.

FenellaMaxwell · 11/02/2019 09:47

And was your baby allowed at the wedding? Not one single person has told the OP not to go shopping. People have said she may not feel like spending 8 hours plus away from a potentially days old breastfed newborn.

NoParticularPattern · 11/02/2019 09:47

I’m glad you’ve come to a decision. For what it’s worth I had a straightforward delivery and breastfeeding was ok past the first week ish and no way would I have managed it. I might have managed to attend as a guest with baby, but I’d have probably wanted to go home straight after the meal. No way on this planet could I have left baby- at the very least I’d have needed to express or my boobs would have exploded!

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thismeansnothing · 11/02/2019 09:48

Worst case scenario you may not be able to attend as you could still be in hospital. DD was 17 days late and we had a 5 day hospital stay. A wedding would be out the question

Karigan195 · 11/02/2019 09:49

I think you need to have an honest chat with them that if baby is not invited you can’t come. You’re not talking about a 6 month old or a toddler but a brand new babe in arms. You just can’t leave a baby that new. Plus you may be late in which case baby could be just a week old.

You need to call and have a serious chat!

RandomMess · 11/02/2019 09:49

I have 4DC after 3 of them I was fine, could have gone but obviously would have needed to feed them regularly. The other one I was very unwell, would have been in after-pain agony still a week after, it would not have been possible.

All of mine were delivered 2 weeks late, one of them 17 days, it's just too difficult to predict.

CountessVonBoobs · 11/02/2019 09:56

Talk to bride and groom....

The bride and groom have their heads up their arses, and clearly have no idea what it's like to have a neonate. I'd bow out now for that reason alone.

I would strongly recommend that OP make it clear now that she won't be able to come at all and certainly can't be bridesmaid. If, and it's a big if, birth is ok, baby is on time, she is well settled at home, feeding is going reasonably well, and OP feels up to it (the most critical factor of all), she could choose last minute to attend the ceremony while someone watches the baby a very short distance away.

Notquiteagandt · 11/02/2019 10:05

My baby is 10 days old. We are still in hospital. Baby is attached to me constantly. The dr took her away for bloods other day. Only the next room which had better lighting at night. I cried!! She was gone max 3 mins. Was horrible.

Notquiteagandt · 11/02/2019 10:07

Pressed send to soon sorry.

My point being you cant predict future or how you will feel once baby is here. You may well struggle emotionally to leave her even if physically upto it.

Sexnotgender · 11/02/2019 10:51

No one is suggesting having a baby makes you incapacitated or whatever other nonsense you spouted.

Yogagirl123 · 11/02/2019 10:54

I bleed for 6 weeks, felt tired out and EBF. No way would I have considered being a bridesmaid 3 weeks after giving birth.

PRoseLegend · 11/02/2019 11:13

I'm 8 weeks post-partum and I'm still in Maternity clothes, and live in pyjamas most of the time.
Just can't stand anything uncomfortable or tight.

Your SIL is being unreasonable.

Jackshouse · 11/02/2019 11:54

It would have not been possible for me. DD was a week late and then we were in hospital for 2 weeks and I was very ill.

Over my dead body would I be leaving my baby with someone else.

Original poster
SamanthaEvans · 11/02/2019 11:56

Just thought i would update you all on the whole situation! I sent a text to bride that couldn't have been any nicer:

Morning ! I've been thinking about the wedding and I know how stressful it is to organise so it's only fair I give you an answer ASAP so you know. Thank you so much for even considering me as your bridesmaid and it's such an honour and I appreciate the thought but unfortunately I'm going to have to turn it down. I'll feel ugly, have leaky boobs and still be quite big. If i owe anything towards the dress let me know the cost as you shouldn't be out of pocket. I just don't think it's going to work, I could be late / still be in hospital / need a c section etc. so I don't want to say yes then have to let you down at the very last minute when all the arrangements have been made. I understand you both not wanting kids at the wedding, which I've also had to think about and I don't think I'll be able to come to the wedding in general. Like I said I could need a c section etc. Plus I would be leaving a newborn at home when it could be a week / 3 weeks old. Me and (husband) have spoken about it and we both agree that one of us should stay with the baby and it's obviously only fair groom has his brother at his wedding and I stay at home. Again, I understand you might not want your niece / nephew their but the only way I would be able to come would be if I could bring the baby. I'm really really sorry and I wish there was another option to make this easier as I don't want to miss your wedding and it's really upsetting I can't see you both on your big day but the timings are just really unfortunate. Sorry if I have upset you or groom in any way but I just hope you both understand it's an awkward situation for me and it's the last thing I want to have to text you. I can't apologise enough to you both and I feel terrible 😞 xxx

The response:

Hey Sam, thank you for letting me know. Of course I am upset I would love you to be a part of it but your baby is definitely more important of course so I do completely understand. We’ve got like 5 guests with small babies like N* etc and family on my side so we’ve had to say the same to everyone otherwise people will get annoyed if they see another baby there, you probably had a similar predicament with not you deciding you weren’t having kids at yours it’s so hard isn’t it. Don’t worry about the dress, I was actually going to ask an extra person anyway so it saves me buying another dress with them all being one size. So will you not be coming to the wedding at all? I’m only asking so I know numbers and can sort out the table plans. I’m home for the week before so we will have to catch up and go for lunch or something so I can meet the baby! xxx

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/02/2019 12:18

Glad that's all sorted, I would arrange a date now for her to come visit you probably in the middle of the week before.

Harumphharagh · 11/02/2019 12:56

That all seems reasonable! OP, I really thought I would be the type to spring up and into action, after my great hypnobirth etc, I had a wedding three weeks after due date.

I kept saying ‘it’s fine! I’ll make it for a bit!’

She kept saying (she had a baby already) ‘no you probably won’t, but it’s fine!! Just relax!’

Baby was mega late, birth was fine but complicated, was still in hospital on her wedding day.

2rach · 11/02/2019 13:14

You are way nicer than me OP! Not inviting your baby is ridiculous and I'd be very pissed off.

Kez200 · 11/02/2019 13:25

This is likely to be very very difficult.

I went to a wedding about 40 miles away when my little one was 3 weeks old and being breastfed. She wouldn't take the bottle from my sister in law and I was in agony (and had to pump milk off while there to ease the pain). I needed little nipple towels to stop it showing through my dress! As a bridesmaid it would have been far worse as we were only away from home for 6 hours.

You also have the added stress of what if the baby doesn't arrive on due date?

53rdWay · 11/02/2019 13:26

I would tell her you’d love to catch up the week before if the timing works out... but don’t make any definite plans, for obvious reasons. God was I not up for going out for lunch a few days after giving birth!

(if she ever has children herself she’s going to look back at this and criiiiiiinge.)

Kez200 · 11/02/2019 13:27

Ahh I see its sorted. You can enjoy the photos!

53rdWay · 11/02/2019 13:29

also, stop being so bending-over-backwards apologetic about it all, she’s clearly clueless about how having a newborn may affect you and that’s leading her to miss your point. Be clear and direct: “No, I can’t come to the wedding at all.”

hazandduck · 11/02/2019 13:32

Glad it is all sorted, OP.

To the person saying everyone else is being OTT and women aren’t incapacitated etc, just think that some mother with a newborn could be reading this now feeling utterly shite because they aren’t like you just ‘bouncing back!’ to normal and wondering what is wrong with them. Your thoughtless judgement of other mothers could trigger all sorts of negative emotions in already vulnerable women. Giving birth is a traumatic experience for a human being to go through, however the baby arrives it is physically tasking. And I had a very quick straightforward birth, home very quickly and was one of those mothers that people commented how fast I was up and about. I still felt like I’d been hit by a truck for weeks after! Just think before you post, not everyone feels like you do after giving birth.

OP, congratulations and I hope everything goes smoothly with your little one.

Margot33 · 11/02/2019 13:36

I was over due with both babies. Every birth was painful and exhausting. When you have the baby you may be in hospital for a few days, to recover. When you get home you will need all your husband's help. You 'll be sleep deprived and feeding on demand. I spent the first week home resting in pyjamas. If it were me, I would respectfully decline as its too close to having the baby. I hope your husband stays at home with you as you'll need his support.

CheddarAndCrackers · 11/02/2019 13:36

To be accurate, as you're married you can't be Bridesmaid anyway. A married bridal attendant is Matron of Honour. Wink

Margot33 · 11/02/2019 13:39

Just read your update! Glad it's all sorted.

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