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Original poster

Bridesmaid 3 weeks after giving birth

195 replies

SamanthaEvans · 10/02/2019 18:49

Hiya,

I'm in such a difficult situation and I don't know what to do!

My husbands brother and fiance live abroad and planned to hold their wedding abroad a couple of years ago for August this year. They asked us to be best man and bridesmaid. They've decided this week to hold their wedding in the UK and bring the date to May instead - 3 weeks after my due date.

The bridesmaid dresses where bought today without my knowledge and I won't be able to try it on until they're home (1 week before the wedding).
None of this would have been an issue if our baby was invited to the wedding but it isn't Sad. I'm hoping to breastfeed too which may be an issue and I don't want to feel like the fat, ugly bridesmaid hiding under 10 pairs of spanx!

My husband has to be there as it's his brother and the thought of leaving my baby already gives me anxiety. But I feel bad letting them down as they flew home to the UK for our wedding last year. I don't want them to think I'm coming up with a lame excuse for not being able to make it as it's only 20 miles away from home now rather than it being abroad and I should make the effort for them like they did for us.

My parents are more than happy to mind the baby for us, but as a first time mum I don't know how I'm going to take to mum life?

I think I'm just going through a tough time at the minute and making situations into a bigger deal than what they have to be. I just don't want the guilt of leaving baby at home or not going to the wedding.

xx

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 11/02/2019 13:41

I think you need to pull out of being a bridesmaid for these reasons:

  1. Your dress won't fit. Either you've got a 'maternity' dress and won't be pregnant by the time of the wedding, or you haven't and you'll be huge!
  2. You may be late, or possibly even giving birth at the wedding
  3. You won't want to leave your new born so soon after the birth
  4. You'll be recovering from the birth
  5. So close to the birth (either way), you won't be in a fit state to enjoy a wedding

Take your pick. I'd go with 2. No bride(zilla) would take THAT risk.

Jaxhog · 11/02/2019 13:43

X-post. Glad it's sorted - your bride sounds lovely.

mummmy2017 · 11/02/2019 13:44

Glad you spoke to the bride.
And that she was so nice about it.
Who knows you could be fine the day before the wedding and still get too see it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Weddings
FaultInMyStars · 11/02/2019 13:45

Glad you've got it all out in the open. I must say I am surprised that she didn't suggest you and the baby just join them for the ceremony, slip quietly in the back so you can slip quietly out again afterwards or if it's cries. That's what I would have done.

swampytiggaa · 11/02/2019 13:59

Actually if you feel up to it nothing to prevent you turning up to the ceremony as they are public 🙂 I did that when I was invited to a friends wedding 2 weeks after due date with number 4. I declined regretfully but then went to the ceremony.

Tiny babies are generally not noisy. They just need feeding a lot.

Good luck with it all!

Original poster
SamanthaEvans · 11/02/2019 14:19

Well I was hoping for a response of the sort so I could maybe pop in for half an hour just so I got to see her but it seems like she's very adamant that she doesn't want my baby there.

I think bringing up my wedding and why I didn't have children at mine was to make me understand why I can't bring baby, but I have no newborns in my family and they all live local who I see all the time. I think its a different situation when you live abroad and could potentially be the one time they get to meet their niece / nephew.

I do hope they realise when it comes to having their own babies!

On a separate note this is is my first post and just wanted to say how lovely it is to receive such wonderful advice from people I don't know and how much stress you've all helped me overcome.

Thank you xx

OP posts:
PlayerRed · 11/02/2019 14:19

mummmy2017

Why you talking shite? Nobody said any of those things. Stop it. Op glad you're all sorted. Good luck Flowers

swampytiggaa · 11/02/2019 14:40

If it’s a church no one can stop you turning up with the baby. Actually it’s the same in any venue but might be a tiny bit awkward in a hotel 🙂

RainbowWaffles · 11/02/2019 14:44

I think you have been beyond reasonable. I would be very irritated if my sibling brought forward their wedding at the last minute to three weeks after my due date where I was supposed to be a bridesmaid or DH best man. It’s completely rude and inconsiderate. If it was a friend, sure, they don’t plan stuff around you. But where you are best man and bridesmaid?! Personally I would expect DH to raise with his brother that it’s unreasonable. And to then say you can’t take your baby?! Wtf?! Yep, there is absolutely no distinction between your niece/ newphew who is also the new newborn of the best man and bridesmaid.

It’s different if the wedding is all set and you get pregnant, but this is the other way round and you are both integral to their wedding plans. I also think her reply to you is pretty rude all things considered, polite on the face of it, but it isn’t really.

I am baffled by all the accommodating responses. I usually find the responses to posts on here to be ridiculously harsh and direct, and completely over the top. This is the one occasion it is bizarrely the complete opposite!

wireswireswires · 11/02/2019 14:45

Ds was 17 days late. Then I was on bed rest for 2 weeks. You've done the right thing!

I've NEVER heard of a wedding where newborns are excluded. And I've been to a lot of kid free weddings.

In a few years to come she may realise what a twerp she looks.

MamaLovesMango · 11/02/2019 15:01

Nicely handled OP and it seems you’ve got the best possible outcome.

On another note, has anybody found mummy2017 her medal yet?!

mummmy2017 · 11/02/2019 16:02

Medal for what.
Saying having a baby does not make the world stop for a new mum.
Some get up the next day and bonce on with life some don't.
Why limit your options till you have to....

53rdWay · 11/02/2019 16:34

I got up and bounced on with life right after. I was out for long walks, I was doing more than I could in late pregnancy because I felt so great... and then I got really heavy bleeding and the midwife told me off and sent me to actually REST for a while.

But, even when I was feeling great, I wouldn’t have wanted to spend the day 20 miles away from my breastfed newborn.

Caspiana · 11/02/2019 16:41

I’m pleased it’s sorted. I actually think her response is perfectly pleasant and reasonable, and the fact it’s not just your baby but 5 others is relevant context. Given they’re family babies it’s not the decision I’d make - even though a baby spoilt my ceremony - but as she’s accepted your non attendance with good grace I think it’s one to put down to it being their wedding and up to them.

RainbowWaffles · 11/02/2019 16:42

Some get up the next day and bonce on with life some don't.
Why limit your options till you have to....

Some probably don’t want to bounce on with life apart from their newborn who is a matter of weeks old. I think it’s understandable that a new mum might want to stay with her baby. I wouldn’t consider that a ‘limitation’. We aren’t taking going to the shops for a few hours, but a whole day and night out at a wedding.

Three months rather than three weeks and I would say that even with ebf absolutely to go to the wedding and make it work.

CountessVonBoobs · 11/02/2019 17:10

I got up and bounced on with life straight after.

By six weeks, once the euphoria wore off and the sleep deprivation really hit, I had a nice case of PND, exacerbated by the feeling that I should be bouncing on with life.

The second time around, I had more sense and spent the first two weeks chilling on the couch in comfortable clothes. I had a much, much better time of it, but still nearly fainted on my first proper outing to Tesco at two weeks-ish, due to anaemia caused by my bleeding.

A wedding that you cannot take your breastfed newborn to is a wedding that a mother who is an absolute max of 6 weeks PP with a full term newborn cannot go to. Better from an expectation management perspective to rule it out completely and have it be a bonus if things turn out good enough that you can make a brief guest appearance.

MamaLovesMango · 11/02/2019 17:27

You’re missing the fact that OP has been told, more than once that the baby is NOT welcome to attend with OP and that OP is expected to stay over the night before. That’s 2 days, a day and a half at least, of a EBF newborn being away from its mother and that’s without considering what shape the OP might be in.

Mummy2017 your experience is your experience and probably over exaggerated for effect very unusual. You got out and about after 3 days - great. You went to a wedding with your newborn - wonderful. Your experiences are not even comparable to the OPs because they are completely different situations. FYI all new parents bounce on with life in their own way. Stop humble bragging and putting other women down. It’s a dickish thing to do.

mummmy2017 · 11/02/2019 18:06

My comment was not about bragging, but about seeing how you feel, and trying not to miss something important .
If you see it that way, it days more about you than me...
One day out after 3 weeks is doable if you feel well, and you have a mum who offered to help and could be near to the church ,
Any new mum listening to mums here would get a very warped view of motherhood .... Glued to a sofa and needing someone to wipe your brow.
95% of mums are fine by 3 weeks....

53rdWay · 11/02/2019 18:13

3 weeks after due date is not necessarily 3 weeks after birth.

Bride was expecting OP to stay over the night before without the baby.

OP’s mum cannot be near to the wedding because a) OP was expected to stay overnight and b) bride/groom did not even want the baby in the hotel.

You can be ‘bouncing on with life’ like Tigger on speed, but being away from your breastfed newborn for an overnight trip and a full-day wedding is a bit beyond popping to Tesco.

Backinthebox · 11/02/2019 18:19

I can see why you'd be disappointed not to be able to bring along your very young, EBF baby, but I also think anyone who has a child-free wedding themselves is on thin ice when it comes to complaining that their baby isn't allowed to someone else's child-free wedding. I was told I couldn't bring my 10 day old EBF baby to a wedding once and the friendship kind of ended there and then. Not because I flounced off, but the bride decided that if I couldn't bear to leave a baby for a few hours I was no friend of her's.

MamaLovesMango · 11/02/2019 18:30

@53rdWay I’d save your energy if I was you. It’s like banging your head against a brick wall trying to explain it over and over again.

53rdWay · 11/02/2019 18:32

Fair point.

spugzbunny · 11/02/2019 18:41

@mummmy2017 it's very different if you are breastfeeding. I was at a beer festival with my baby when she was 5 weeks old. I was up and out every day within a few days of giving birth despite losing a lot of blood and being very anaemic. BUT my baby came with me. I don't know any breastfeeding mums who left their baby for a day at that age.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 11/02/2019 18:44

3 weeks after my DD1's due date I hadn't got out of my dressing gown and was still straining to do a decent shit mummy2017.

DD1 was 2 weeks overdue and we had a 36 hr labour and EMC.
Much better that OP gave plenty of notice, and it seems like bride is being reasonable so all's well that ends well.

StellaMorris · 11/02/2019 19:12

That was an excellent message and a excellent reply OP. She sounds like a good friend. I didn’t go to my brother’s wedding at the other end of England when I was 36 weeks pregnant, but my techy nephew webcast it for me. I bribed it’s even easier to do now, via Facebook. Could somebody set something like that up for you?