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Original poster

Bridesmaid 3 weeks after giving birth

195 replies

SamanthaEvans · 10/02/2019 18:49

Hiya,

I'm in such a difficult situation and I don't know what to do!

My husbands brother and fiance live abroad and planned to hold their wedding abroad a couple of years ago for August this year. They asked us to be best man and bridesmaid. They've decided this week to hold their wedding in the UK and bring the date to May instead - 3 weeks after my due date.

The bridesmaid dresses where bought today without my knowledge and I won't be able to try it on until they're home (1 week before the wedding).
None of this would have been an issue if our baby was invited to the wedding but it isn't Sad. I'm hoping to breastfeed too which may be an issue and I don't want to feel like the fat, ugly bridesmaid hiding under 10 pairs of spanx!

My husband has to be there as it's his brother and the thought of leaving my baby already gives me anxiety. But I feel bad letting them down as they flew home to the UK for our wedding last year. I don't want them to think I'm coming up with a lame excuse for not being able to make it as it's only 20 miles away from home now rather than it being abroad and I should make the effort for them like they did for us.

My parents are more than happy to mind the baby for us, but as a first time mum I don't know how I'm going to take to mum life?

I think I'm just going through a tough time at the minute and making situations into a bigger deal than what they have to be. I just don't want the guilt of leaving baby at home or not going to the wedding.

xx

OP posts:
FaultInMyStars · 10/02/2019 20:40

You don't want the pressure of being a bridesmaid. End of. Decline gracefully now so she has time to find another person if she wants. Your focus will be on the baby (whether it's allowed to accompany you or not), not on rearranging the bride's dress and flowers, and you do not want or need the pressure of all eyes on you so soon after giving birth.
Once you take the obligation to be bridesmaid out of the equation, it all seems less stressful. If it's important for you to see them be married, you could just go along for the ceremony part, and leave your DH to enjoy the reception with the rest of his family. Rope your parents in - you won't be able to leave a breastfed baby for more than an hour the most - perhaps they could sit with the baby in a cafe or a car near the venue and bring it to you if it needed feeding?
Or, perhaps the bride and groom will reconsider the childfree policy for such a tiny newborn and in the knowledge that it's the diffenrce between you being able to share part of their day or not. In that case, book a room at the venue (if you can?) so you can sneak off when you or the little one has had enough. But you don't want to be bridesmaid, whatever happens.

BadBadBeans · 10/02/2019 20:43

My first baby was two weeks late and then we spent six days in hospital after an emergency C-section. So, a wedding three weeks after my due date would have been exactly one day after we arrived home. You may simply not be able to make it at all!

Mumof1DS · 10/02/2019 21:06

I'd politely decline now if I were you.

  1. you probably won't want to be away from your baby!
  2. At a maximum of 3 weeks old (possibly even days old if you need to be induced/it takes a while), you're going to need to focus on breastfeeding. I found it really hard, it certainly didn't just work straight away. At 3 weeks, my baby still needed lots of skin to skin etc.
  3. You may well feel utterly shite. I still struggled to stand for long periods of time at 3 weeks post partum. You'll still be bleeding and leaking. If you're anything like me, you may well still look a few months pregnant.
  4. At 3 weeks pp, it was an achievement if I had got up, dressed, brushed my hair and teeth and eaten before 3pm.
  5. You won't be sleeping through the night, especially with breastfeeding so you will want to sleep frequently during the day.
Apologise, send your DH and get your parents in for the day.

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MaverickSnoopy · 10/02/2019 21:19

All 3 of mine were 2 weeks late. My third was readmitted to hospital for a week on day 4. So we would have missed the wedding.

My milk didn't come in until day 4 with any of mine and then they wanted to cluster feed 24/7 for about a week and thereafter for the next few weeks for large chunks of the day.

I think you'd feel nothing but relief if you pulled out.

rallytog1 · 10/02/2019 21:38

I was still in hospital 3 weeks after my due date. I'm all for getting out of the post-natal bubble, but 3 weeks is really verging on impossible. And if not impossible, undesirable for both you and your baby.

TumbleDry · 10/02/2019 21:43

@SamanthaEvans id just share this thread with her if she doesn't understand why you can't attend or at the least not be a bridesmaid!

ChasedByBees · 10/02/2019 21:47

I agree with everyone else, it’s not feasible. I’m not sure anyone has mentioned lovhia yet? The 6 week long heavy period post birth? That wouldn’t be fun in a bridesmaids dress that almost certainly won’t fit.

ChasedByBees · 10/02/2019 21:47

Lovhia = lochia (autocorrect actually changed that Confused)

betterbeslytherin · 10/02/2019 22:25

Nope nope nope.
I have a 10 day old baby right now (my second) and could think of nothing worse.
I'm still tender down there, I'm still bleeding, I'm bloody knackered and I would look highly horrendous in any form of posh dress.
I also wouldn't be leaving my baby for the day and I'm not breastfeeding.
You could maybe show up for a couple of hours depending how you feel, but I think they're being unreasonable regarding your newborn not being invited.

MoseShrute · 10/02/2019 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoseShrute · 10/02/2019 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NC4Now · 10/02/2019 22:32

I went to a family wedding with a three week old, but stepped back from bridesmaid duties. It just wasn’t do-able.
I spent a lot of time in our room breastfeeding, and resting actually, but made it down for speeches, food and first dance.
I’m glad I went but I had a very understanding bride.
I can’t believe they have said your baby can’t go. Are you sure?!

PersonaNonGarter · 10/02/2019 22:34

You will be feeling so stressed, so emotional, so raw. People will want to hold the baby and you may be too weak/polite/stressed to control the situation.

Honestly, is there no one with some actual experience who can tell this couple straight?

Girlsnightin · 10/02/2019 22:45

I was in your shoes, exact timings too! DC ended up being 10 days late, had a ECS and was in hospital for 5 nights after.
I didn't make the wedding. But I had declined prior as I knew even with a 3 week old it would have been difficult.

Ariela · 10/02/2019 22:59

Simply say no, you have no idea if you'll even HAVE the baby by then - might be very late/your dates may be wrong. You'll also be tired (and not feeling photogenic) so I can't see they'd want you in the photos yawning your head off either!

HopeGarden · 10/02/2019 23:26

I wouldn’t want to commit to attending a wedding 3 weeks after my due date, let alone attending as a bridesmaid.

There’s too many unknowns, you can’t possibly know how well you’ll be feeling or how well you’d be able to manage until after baby’s born. And a baby that young needs it’s mum close regardless of how it’s fed.

A breastfed baby will also be feeding frequently - every couple of hours - at that age.
Even if your baby turned up at 37 weeks and was 6 weeks old at the time of the wedding, it’d still be breastfeeding frequently through the day then.
That might be manageable if you were allowed to bring your baby and attend as a normal guest. Not so much for a child-free wedding and attending as a bridesmaid.

spreadingchestnuttree · 10/02/2019 23:31

Newborn babies feed almost constantly. Or certainly mine did! I could not have managed this, no way. Don't feel bad about bowing out. One day maybe the bride will have a newborn of her own and will realise exactly what she was asking of you.

Original poster
SamanthaEvans · 11/02/2019 06:37

Thank you everyone for your responses and advice!

I will be telling her today that i won't be going (she also wanted me staying over the night before without baby!!).

Hopefully they are understanding and can see all the reasons why this is a bad idea.

I suppose it's their loss that they won't get to meet their new little niece / nephew.

Time to concentrate on me and my little one from now on and stop feeling guilty about everything!

Thank you all again Smile

Xx

OP posts:
Mumof1DS · 11/02/2019 06:45

That's an excellent attitude towards the situation @samanthaevans. Good luck with the impending birth and enjoy the snuggles and the not being away from your little bundle!

MaggieMcSplash · 11/02/2019 07:06

They are being very unreasonable. I would never part a mum from her new born. This is very unfair. I would say that you are not leaving your baby. I'm getting married soon and my best friend is due a couple of weeks before the wedding. I'd do whatever I could so she could come to the wedding id also be understanding if she couldn't make it due to having just given birth. They are being selfish.

Teddyreddy · 11/02/2019 07:22

Here's hoping they accept your refusal gracefully!

I went to a wedding with DC2 when she was 3 weeks old - but that was 4.5 weeks after my due date as she was 1.5 weeks late. I had an easy 2nd birth, but I'd have struggled to attend a wedding much sooner - bruising and stitches making sitting down difficult, lochia that required very frequent pad changes, and a DD who had a tongue tie so really struggled with feeding. With my first, not a hope even at 4.5 weeks after my due date, I was back in hospital.

TheyGotMyName · 11/02/2019 07:39

This does not seem like a wedding you can attend ...even if your baby is on time., you Will be breastfeeding, it's tour first child, who wants to leave their first child at three weeks. I would imagine, you may still be bleeding and sore after pushing a baby through your vagina, you may need to have an emergency c section for numerous reasons, so then theres the situation of having had surgery.
I would explain this to the newly weds to be , any reasonable human being would understand.

EvaHarknessRose · 11/02/2019 07:45

Grey rock ‘I can’t make any plans so close to my due date and it’s not adviseable or desireable to leave the baby. I will do everything in my power to make sure DH can get there.’

JaesseJexaMaipru · 11/02/2019 07:52

(she also wanted me staying over the night before without baby!!).

Cloud cuckoo land!

I hope your DH is also making it very clear to them that while he will do his best to be there, if push comes to shove and you need him at home (or at hospital) he will not be able to make it and so they should have a backup plan in place to cover his role as best man if circumstances demand it.

TheClaifeCrier · 11/02/2019 08:14

You've made the right decision OP.

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