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Original poster

Bridesmaid 3 weeks after giving birth

195 replies

SamanthaEvans · 10/02/2019 18:49

Hiya,

I'm in such a difficult situation and I don't know what to do!

My husbands brother and fiance live abroad and planned to hold their wedding abroad a couple of years ago for August this year. They asked us to be best man and bridesmaid. They've decided this week to hold their wedding in the UK and bring the date to May instead - 3 weeks after my due date.

The bridesmaid dresses where bought today without my knowledge and I won't be able to try it on until they're home (1 week before the wedding).
None of this would have been an issue if our baby was invited to the wedding but it isn't Sad. I'm hoping to breastfeed too which may be an issue and I don't want to feel like the fat, ugly bridesmaid hiding under 10 pairs of spanx!

My husband has to be there as it's his brother and the thought of leaving my baby already gives me anxiety. But I feel bad letting them down as they flew home to the UK for our wedding last year. I don't want them to think I'm coming up with a lame excuse for not being able to make it as it's only 20 miles away from home now rather than it being abroad and I should make the effort for them like they did for us.

My parents are more than happy to mind the baby for us, but as a first time mum I don't know how I'm going to take to mum life?

I think I'm just going through a tough time at the minute and making situations into a bigger deal than what they have to be. I just don't want the guilt of leaving baby at home or not going to the wedding.

xx

OP posts:
boomboom1234 · 10/02/2019 19:20

If I was you I would say you think it's best you step down from bridesmaids duty and then say you need to play it by ear depending on how it goes with the baby. That's the best you can do as this point!

Amy326 · 10/02/2019 19:21

That is completely insane that you cannot take your 3 week old (possibly 1 or 2 week old!) baby to the wedding, their own neice or nephew! I wouldn’t go, not in a million years. And I’d pull out of being bridesmaid. You have no idea if you’ll fit in the dress, your boobs will be exploding with milk, you’ll still be bleeding and will be hormonal. Separation of a mother and baby that early on is cruel (to both) and not normal. Plus pretty much impossible if you’re breastfeeding. They’re being massively unreasonable expecting this of you!

Original poster
SamanthaEvans · 10/02/2019 19:21

They knew we where expecting since September 2018, and we've both asked on seperate occasions if baby could come and we just book a room in the hotel as a place for rest. But they're response was 'children' are annoying and we can't say yes to you and no to others.

I do find it unfair as this could be their only chance to see their niece / nephew as they would go back to living abroad after the wedding.

I think my mind was always made up but just needed some reassurance.

Thank you!

OP posts:

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AprilSpring · 10/02/2019 19:21

This is totally do able if you have a support network and understanding bride.

I was a bridesmaid when my baby was two weeks old, she was born 11 days after due date. I was just pregnant when we chose dresses, we all wore different but complementary styles, I ordered mine in a size larger than I would normally take and wore Spanx, had it altered to allow breastfeeding access. - i realise this isn’t massively helpful given what you’ve said op.
My gorgeous friend (bride) invited my parents to the church and evening reception, they took Dd for a walk during the meal so I could eat.
Basically I turned up, had my hair and makeup done, walked down the aisle.
We all left at 8 cause I was shattered- was a fabulous day though, I have gorgeous photos and brilliant memories of it all.

Have a chat with the bride and check what her expectations of you as a bridesmaid are, make sure the baby is invited. It does have the potential to be a fun day.

McNeat · 10/02/2019 19:21

Bail out now. Tell her you maybe you'll come for a few hours in the eve if you can bring the baby.

GlowormsGlow · 10/02/2019 19:21

Another voice saying the same. I have had two babies and had quick, easy recoveries after both of them yet there is no way I would have managed to be a bridesmaid 3 weeks after giving birth, and more importantly, I absolutely wouldn't have wanted to be away from my new babies when they were that young.

Also, I was invited to a christening 3 weeks after the second baby was born and I declined because I was suffering from piles (from giving birth) and I was in excruciating pain. The thought of having to sit in a church and then sit through a meal with a newborn and piles was too much and I turned down the invite.

I actually cannot believe that they wouldn't allow babes in arms at their wedding, particularly when it's a family baby.

Sexnotgender · 10/02/2019 19:22

I have an 8 day old baby.

I gave birth at 42 weeks exactly so two weeks ‘late’.

There is zero chance I would be leaving him to go away for the day - I’m breastfeeding and he feeds roughly every 2/3/4 hours. He also cluster feeds sometimes so will literally be attached to me for 2/3 hours at a time.

I think you’d either need to take him with you and have your mum mind him while you are at the wedding and you need to see to him as and when it’s needed.

Or you need to not go unfortunately.

Caspiana · 10/02/2019 19:22

But they're response was 'children' are annoying and we can't say yes to you and no to others

But this just isn’t true! You can say yes to your 3 week old niece/nephew and no to 20 other 3 week old babies because it’s totally different.

2isabella2 · 10/02/2019 19:22

How ridiculous that your baby isn't welcome. I'd both decline.

I totally understand child free weddings but expecting a guest to leave a newborn (especially niece/nephew and child of best man/bridesmaid) is absurd.

ketchupormayo · 10/02/2019 19:23

They want you to leave your newborn baby at home! That is beyond. We didn't want kids at the wedding but made an exception for babies!! They sound very self involved!xx

beyondhelpful · 10/02/2019 19:23

Would be a flat no from me. Who invites a postpartum mum without her baby!

Really bad form from them. They'll be very embarrassed looking back.

Doilooklikeatourist · 10/02/2019 19:25

It’s not a lame excuse , say now that you won’t be able to be a bridesmaid .

Secondly , you will be unable to attend the wedding , unless you’re feeling up to it and the baby will obviously be coming with you

Your DH may not want to leave you , so see how that goes As you and the baby will rightly be his priority

Three weeks after my first baby was born I would not have been able to leave the house without floods of tears and hysterics ( and that was me , not DS )

CookPassBabtridge · 10/02/2019 19:25

Newborns are totally different to have children at the wedding! But anyway I would say no to this. Like others have said, it's your first baby and they are often two weeks late. No way would I have been able to be a bridesmaid a week after my sections, I was still hobbling and drugged up to the eyeballs. Plus would not have been away from baby.

FruminousBandersnatch · 10/02/2019 19:25

No way. Possibly you’d be able to pop in if you could take baby. But if you’re breastfeeding there is no physical way you could do it.

Even if you’re not breastfeeding being away from the baby in those early days is very difficult for some.

Hope they’re understanding.

Heyha · 10/02/2019 19:26

You've offered them a really good compromise there OP so it's a shame the response wasn't more favourable. I'd definitely back out at this point on that basis, you've done all you can.

gamerchick · 10/02/2019 19:27

I very much doubt this will be doable. Even if you did want to leave your newborn, they're still attached at 3 weeks like a glorified nipple tassle. That and sleepless nights kicking in.

Tavannach · 10/02/2019 19:29

It's unworkable for you. Your DH could go but I don't see how you can go.

cstaff · 10/02/2019 19:31

I do understand the concept of child free weddings but if she wants you to be brides maid then an exception needs to be made in this case. On the other hand if you don't feel you will be up to it pull out now.

In this case she has no excuse for getting annoyed with you as she is not exactly making life easy for you.

Amy326 · 10/02/2019 19:31

Just to add as well I was supposed to be a bridesmaid 6 weeks after due date but I ended up pulling out and I’m so glad I did. I couldn’t have done it, no way. I was breastfeeding and needed a big nursing bra that wouldn’t work with a bridesmaid dress at all, I wanted to hold my baby pretty much 24/7 and baby wanted me constantly too. I attended the wedding as a guest and it was fine but I was having to nip off to feed a LOT. They feed frequently at that age. Luckily by 6 weeks I had established feeding and got through the tough bit but at 3 weeks it was still tricky and I need privacy and a lot of time to feed. I would have struggled being a wedding guest that soon and wouldn’t have stayed very long. No way I could have been a bridesmaid, it’s just not realistic at all and to be honest I’d think most people can see that, even if they don’t have kids yet! You need to just go as a guest and say if you can’t bring the baby then you can’t come. If they don’t like it then tough, what can you do. Your baby has to be your priority. A newborn is no bother at a wedding, all they do is sleep and eat.

WhatNow40 · 10/02/2019 19:37

Tell them now you can't be a bridesmaid. Depending on when baby is born, how you're feeling etc you may be able to put in an appearance at the evening reception. Take your mum or someone else you trust with the baby. Have them sit outside in the (hotel?) Reception area with the baby. Pop out every 15-20 mins to see if baby needs a feed then go home after 2-3 hours. This is the best you can do really in the circumstances.

Twickerhun · 10/02/2019 19:40

Your tiny baby is a member of their close family - donthey not get that?

1 week post partum I was feeding every two hours, still dangerously ill with pre-eclampsia and bleeding heavily. I’d not have been able to wear a normal dress due to breast feeding and tummy issues. No way could I have been away from my baby. So it’s a big fat no from me

RosieEffect · 10/02/2019 19:44

It sounds as if it will have to be a no from their attitude. It might have worked to book a room at the venue and have your mum watch baby in the room during the ceremony and you could nip in and out during the day, then bring baby to the evening do. If it's a flat no from them then you'll have to decline.

hazeydays14 · 10/02/2019 19:45

It’s such a shame they won’t make an exception for such a tiny baby who is their niece/nephew. I’d want a ‘child free’ wedding but if any of my nearest and dearest had babies by the time it happens it would certainly change things.

You’re very unlikely to be able to be a bridesmaid that soon after having your baby.

If your DM is happy to join you she could have baby for you to attend the ceremony which would be approx 40mins-1hr(?) then you could leave to be with baby and DH could stay for the reception providing he’s happy to. Though they seem to be making minimal effort to have you there so if you don’t want to go at all, don’t!

Praiseyou · 10/02/2019 19:48

Your baby isn't invited! I'm not one of those that think child free weddings are an abomination; usually I'm of the opinion that it's the bride and groom's choice but leaving your 3 week old breastfed baby is a matter of life and death.

I wouldn't be bridesmaid. Between bleeding, possible c-section wound, leaking nipples and general tiredness, I couldn't think of anything worse.

I would consider going as a guest if they incite your baby and you can bring your mum to stay with your baby in a bedroom at the venue and you can come and go freely to him/her.

Praiseyou · 10/02/2019 19:49

*invite your baby, not incite!

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