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Original poster

Son, DIL, money (mine)

506 replies

OhdratNC · 03/01/2019 15:23

I think I might just need to suck this up but would appreciate advice.
DS was made redundant from nightmare corporate job a year ago and is now self-employed so a big drop in income but also a big drop in stress levels. Two DCs aged 11 & 7. DIL is devoted to DCs, has never had a job and doesn't want to work. I'm retired but have a good pension & some savings. I offered to subsidise the household while DS builds up his business but also asked if DIL might get a P/T job so that she could contribute to the shortfall. Suggestion didn't go down well (their relationship isn't great). Some occasional small contributions have been forthcoming but essentially I am transferring 50% of my income each month. I can manage this but it means that I either delay work needed on my house or use my savings. DS is anxious about it too but doesn't know how to get DIL to see that this is unfair. She finds change distressing and tends to be very stubborn and self-centred when she feels cornered, as she probably does in this situation.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 03/01/2019 15:25

Stop giving them money then.

Racecardriver · 03/01/2019 15:25

Their marriage is their problem and your finances are yours. If you can’t afford it just say so an stop/reduce funds. Let them sort out how they deal with it.

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 03/01/2019 15:25

Please retract your offer of financing their family.
Your dil needs to be mucking in before you do.

Maelstrop · 03/01/2019 15:25

Stop subsidising your ds! Jesus! You can't tell your dil to get a job but if you keep subsidising her, then of course she won't, she doesn't need to!

Aquamarine1029 · 03/01/2019 15:25

Stop giving them money! The free ride needs to end NOW. If the little princess won't get a job then she'll have to suffer the consequences. This is your son's problem to manage.

StoorieHoose · 03/01/2019 15:25

If she refuses to get a job I would tell your son that after March you will not be giving him any more money. That gives him a couple of months notice Rather than stopping straight away

Neverunderfed · 03/01/2019 15:26

Just stop giving him money

mortifiedmama · 03/01/2019 15:27

Stop. You are enabling this! When you stop giving them money they will have to find a solution which works for them. This may be DiL getting a job or may mean your DS getting a different job. The decision will be there.

Tell them you need to get some stuff done yourself so will have to stop.

endofthelinefinally · 03/01/2019 15:28

DIL needs to get a job.
Stop giving money.
Perhaps offer some after school care.
DIL really needs to get back into the work place to build up her own pension as well as bringing in some family money.
The longer she leaves it the harder it will be.
Unless there are some problems you dont know about, the current situation is not sustainable, unless you really dont need the money.

Neverunderfed · 03/01/2019 15:28

Maybe he needs to go back to employment

SushiMonster · 03/01/2019 15:28

This is for you son to sort out.

Just tell him that you can#'t afford to keep the payments up and you will need to reduce to 50% in Feb and zero in march.

Oldraver · 03/01/2019 15:28

Good God stop giving them money.

How can your DS think it's ok to take HALF of his Mothers income ?

TwoGinScentedTears · 03/01/2019 15:29

Start reducing the amount you give them. It's currently 50%. Go down to 25% and tell them that after x months (maybe 2) it'll be 10% for one month and then they're on their own. If you're feeling generous that is! You've helped, you've been amazing but enough already. If you still worry about how they will cope perhaps you could pay for the kids swimming lessons/karate/whatever it is they do so that they don't miss out on that kind of stuff?

mindutopia · 03/01/2019 15:29

No way, she needs to get a job. Who wouldn't love to sit around and not have to work even though they have plenty of time to? Presumably with your ds being self employed, they should have even more flexibility and can both share working around school hours, even with them both working full time. Stop giving them money.

Stepmum3 · 03/01/2019 15:29

This is a real tough one. As the people who suffer ultimately are the children.
Maybe half the amount you are currently giving towards them. I agree that whilst you give them money she has no incentive to work but if it means the well-being of your son is at stake then you can’t just sit back.

Sorry that your dil doesn’t see her relationship as something you both contribute too.

Itssosunnyout · 03/01/2019 15:30

Stop giving them money. Your Dil is being ridiculous but you are enabling her and your son should be able to communicate with his wife.

They aren't children and should be able to stand on their own 2 feet

Cloudsurfing · 03/01/2019 15:30

I'm amazed you gave them money in the first place in this situation. Surely the first thing she should have done was find a job to fund her own family, rather than accepting help from you.

Mulberry72 · 03/01/2019 15:30

Stop enabling her not to work!! Stop giving them half your monthly income, she’s never going to step up if you’re bankrolling her!!

Kisskiss · 03/01/2019 15:30

If you were to stop your contributions, how would they fare? Is it a case of little jack and Sarah not having enough food to eat, or more of a lifestyle adaptation situation..

Id be very frustrated with your dils attitude, she doesn’t seem to be taking much responsibility for her and her family’s financial well-being?

SalmonLeBon · 03/01/2019 15:30

Tell your son that you can no longer afford it and you are going to have to stop. Why should you dip into savings that you might need to subsidise someone with school age kids indefinitely?

Does s/he know it is as much as 50% of your income each month? Surely you must have been having to cut back and miss out on things?

If you don’t want to go cold turkey on them, tell him you will cut it gradually, so 40% this month, then 30% etc, until 0, or an amount that feels more affordable if you want to still give something. They will have to cut their cloth to fit, or she will have to step up, and a gradual reduction allows them time to adjust either way.

My blood is boiling on your behalf that your DIL can be so utterly selfish.

Holidayshopping · 03/01/2019 15:30

Stop the money. Presumably the children are both at school? Is she planning on never working again, no matter what he earns?!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/01/2019 15:30

Wow! Yes. Stop subsidising your adult son and his family. They are two adults, both capable of working and supporting their children. If they can’t afford their expense they need to cut their cloth accordingly. I can’t believe your son is happy to take your pension!

Stickerrocks · 03/01/2019 15:31

I agree that you need to give them notice rather than just stop your contributions. How long have you been giving them money for? You've been incredibly generous, so YANBU to expect them to work as a family of adults to sort out their own finances. However, be prepared for her to be difficult and try not to let it affect your relationship with your son and grandchildren.

Iloveacurry · 03/01/2019 15:31

My kids are 8 and 10, so I currently work part time during school hours. I just can’t believe your son and DIL accept your money when she is not willing to get herself a job. You need to stop giving them money.

Topseyt · 03/01/2019 15:32

Warn them that beyond the next couple of months you will no longer be able to afford to keep subsidising them and will have to stop making the transfers to them. Then follow through with it.

They will have had fair warning then, and will have to find their own solution.