Son, DIL, money (mine)

[OhdratNC]

I think I might just need to suck this up but would appreciate advice.
DS was made redundant from nightmare corporate job a year ago and is now self-employed so a big drop in income but also a big drop in stress levels. Two DCs aged 11 & 7. DIL is devoted to DCs, has never had a job and doesn't want to work. I'm retired but have a good pension & some savings. I offered to subsidise the household while DS builds up his business but also asked if DIL might get a P/T job so that she could contribute to the shortfall. Suggestion didn't go down well (their relationship isn't great). Some occasional small contributions have been forthcoming but essentially I am transferring 50% of my income each month. I can manage this but it means that I either delay work needed on my house or use my savings. DS is anxious about it too but doesn't know how to get DIL to see that this is unfair. She finds change distressing and tends to be very stubborn and self-centred when she feels cornered, as she probably does in this situation.

It's quite easy to blame your DIL isn't it when your son is himself at fault. What's wrong with staying at home with kids? I assume your son knew she will be staying at home before they got married and had kids. SAHM are not lazy, their priorities are different then yours. Some people are just not career oriented. Your son made the decision to not go back to work and start his own business. Why is this your DIL's fault? You both made the decision about his and your DIL's life without even involving her. Why would she listen to you now? Any sensible person with responsibilities will not start a business when they don't have a backup plan. And then too there should be one source of income which provides when the business is being started. And I assume she was not consulted before making that decision so why should she be forced to work now after 11 years out of work force just because you two want her to. From her point of view you are the one enabling your son to make wrong financial decisions. May be if your son had made the decision with her instead of you and they both came to the conclusion themselves that one of them would work and other run a business then she would have been more keen to help. You seriously need to stop interfering in their lives and stop giving your son the money.

and what kind of work do you think your DIL is going to get after 11 years? Do you think it will remotely help them in anyway financially? She will probably be able to get a minimum wage job on zero contract as any other decent jobs will require atleast a year of training and unpaid work. She will be working, paying for child care and then helping around the house too. May be it's not that financially viable option as much as you think it is. And you only see your son's side of the story but their home reality might be different than what your son has told you about. She lives with him and knows him in the way you don't. There might be a reason for her refusal to go back to work.

The children are 7 and 11.Childcare should not be as much of an issue and will be a diminishing expense over the next few years. She might be able to get a part time job, term time. Fair enough if she has been looking and hasn't found anything but she should at least look.

Whether she should work or not should be decided between her husband and her. Who are we or for that matter her MIL to tell her that she should work? Whatever her reasons it's none of our business.

@2019dancerz your mum did what she neended to do for her family. Some years back I was working 6 days a week (kids were older) to keep us going. Not easy and yes I was and still am knackered! Would have been enjoying my pension now if the government hadn't moved the goalposts so another 4 years at work me, if I last that long. One if my AC partners thought being a sahp was going to be an easy option but is finding it hard and dosn't want to work either so AC is now trying to work and pay for everything. AC knows the value of working for what you want but sadly their partner has been brought up differently. I agree either posters who say they are "your kids" but they are also adults and you have done your bit it's time for them to grow up and make their own way/mistakes in the world without expecting mum/dad to bail them out. Not all parents are in a position to help and many are at end of working life and should now be enjoying their retirement before they retire forever

DIL should work because the family can't afford to live right now. She might prefer to be a sahm, but that isn't possible when there isn't enough money. Simple maths.