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Original poster

Son, DIL, money (mine)

506 replies

OhdratNC · 03/01/2019 15:23

I think I might just need to suck this up but would appreciate advice.
DS was made redundant from nightmare corporate job a year ago and is now self-employed so a big drop in income but also a big drop in stress levels. Two DCs aged 11 & 7. DIL is devoted to DCs, has never had a job and doesn't want to work. I'm retired but have a good pension & some savings. I offered to subsidise the household while DS builds up his business but also asked if DIL might get a P/T job so that she could contribute to the shortfall. Suggestion didn't go down well (their relationship isn't great). Some occasional small contributions have been forthcoming but essentially I am transferring 50% of my income each month. I can manage this but it means that I either delay work needed on my house or use my savings. DS is anxious about it too but doesn't know how to get DIL to see that this is unfair. She finds change distressing and tends to be very stubborn and self-centred when she feels cornered, as she probably does in this situation.

OP posts:
comebacksoonsusan · 03/01/2019 15:32

Another one for stop the cash

Leeds2 · 03/01/2019 15:32

Stop giving them money.
And, fwiw, I would be very disappointed if a DC of mine thought it acceptable to take half my monthly income. DS and/or DIL need to find new jobs, or consider downsizing their house whilst their finances improve.

Claracracksthenut · 03/01/2019 15:34

Stop the money. She absolutely needs to get a job but she will not whilst you are funding them. She needs a kick up the backside and by stopping the money you will be doing the best thing in the world for her!
I assume you earns your good pension by working? She needs to understand the importance for her long term of getting a job ie work =money =pension= long term ability to help her children she is devoted to!

itswinetime · 03/01/2019 15:37

Agree you have to stop funding them and they need to adjust thier lifestyle and choices to thier new income or you will be supporting them until you Ds is earning enough to fund their lifestyle completely

regmover · 03/01/2019 15:39

3 months notice and stop the money, then be strong and stick with it. They won't give you half their income if you fall on hard times (which incidentally you are already as you need to get work done on your house). Your DS needs to stop playing at business and get a job. He should be ashamed of himself taking such a large part of your income every month.

PinkFizzz · 03/01/2019 15:39

Stop funding it then. If you want to help and you have the time/inclination, you could offer practical help like free childcare in order to free up time for her to find work, without adding to financial burden.

I certainly wouldn't be subbing them 50% of my income unless they literally couldn't live any other way without it.

I think she's taking the piss and I also think it's up to your DS to put his foot down and tell her he's no longer accepting financial help from you, not for you to retract your offer.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 03/01/2019 15:40

This is bonkers Op and I mean this in a kind way...You have worked all your life to provide I assume and look after yourself in your retirement and you think you are being unreasonable? Good grief! Stop right now,These are grown adults with children not dependents.You are making this situation they are in so much worse by enabling this lifestyle funded by you to continue.It makes no sense at all what you are doing.What will happen to them and you when the money dries up?Will you be thanked no it will be expected you find more money to carry on subsidizing them.They are grown adults with children it is really up to them to organize their chosen lifestyle and finances.If the children suffer it is done to them not getting off their arses and sorting it out.Please stop its utterly foolish.I imagine you love your family dearly no one could dispute that by your actions but unless you are in this til the end of your days nothing will change unless you stop.The issue more pressing is what gives them the right to NOT provide for their own children???Please stop this course of action will in the end not help anyone.You need to step back and let them be the parents they should be and fast.....

Pachyderm1 · 03/01/2019 15:40

Stop giving them money. How absurd! You’re essentially paying your DIL to not work.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2019 15:41

Jesus, they are living off you and one of them is refusing to work?

Give them three months notice, they are adults, you need to disengage and let them sort it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/01/2019 15:42

If you stop giving them money each month then DIL will have to go back to work. Leave them to sort it out themselves.

rabbitfoodadvocate · 03/01/2019 15:42

I would explain to your son it's time for them to work things out financially as a married couple. A few months of going without extras she enjoys and I'm sure the DIL will realise she needs to contribute.

londonmummy1966 · 03/01/2019 15:42

It is very kind of you to help out but I'm not sure you have necessarily thought your DIL's position through. I assume at the moment she probably does all the childcare, housework and wifework (and may well have had to step up the time she spends doing that given the drop in family income). She probably worries that your DS will probably expect her to continue to do all of that on top of a part time job. Also, the children are 7 and 11 so presumably you were thinking that she could find a job that she could fit in around the DC being at school. As is well commented on Mumsnet these jobs with hours between 10 - 2 and all school holidays off are very thin on the ground. If your DIL fails to find this holy grail then she may well end up working PT for next to nothing once childcare costs have been factored in. SO it may well be the case that she is simply being practical and realising that working PT is unlikley to pull in much net income but is likely to add greatly to family stress as they try to juggle childcare etc (or rather she does as I strongly suspect any man who has had a corporate job is unlikely to see this as in any way his responsibility).

I agree you should cut down on your support of the family but that you should perhaps take a slightly less rose tinted view of what the marriage would look like if DIL was working.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 03/01/2019 15:42

Its not often you get a united opinion on mumsnet OP we cant all be wrong!!!

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/01/2019 15:43

Jesus OP - the lazy, selfish bint needs to get a job and you need to stop subsidising adults who should be supporting themselves!

floribunda18 · 03/01/2019 15:43

You are very kind to have helped them, OP.

I'd say set a time limit. I can help you with X contribution a month for a [for example] further three months. After that you must support yourself.

Quartz2208 · 03/01/2019 15:43

Why is the focus just on the DIL not working - your son wants to start his own business and has a big drop in income and stress levels as well. They need to sort this as a couple and make compromises as clearly they both need to make changes to have enough money

You need to stop enabling both of them and make them take responsibility for their decisions

Littleraindrop15 · 03/01/2019 15:43

Stop the bank roll!!

GinUnicorn · 03/01/2019 15:44

It’s very kind of you OP but they are both adults and should be working out a solution themselves not relying on you.

I think your kind behaviour is unfortunately enabling both of them to avoid responsibility.

I agree maybe give a few months notice but really your DS should never have thought it was acceptable to take half your income.

eggsandwich · 03/01/2019 15:44

Your really not helping the situation, all the while your giving them money dil will continue to see no need for her to get a job, stop right now and say you can no longer afford to subsidise them and to sort it out between themselves.

Original poster
OhdratNC · 03/01/2019 15:45

Well that's wonderfully clear & direct. Thanks all.
If I simply stop they'd be in trouble. Not lifestyle stuff, they've been living pretty frugally since the redundancy. It's the basics of the mortgage repayments & household bills. But I think the suggestion to give them less each month, with a cut-off date, is a good one. It's probably to only way to get the DIL to accept that she needs to get a job.
My son is at a loss about how to get her to understand this. She can be EA and simply stops communicating with him. I think he's frightened of her to be honest.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 03/01/2019 15:45

They need to up their income or cut their cloth accordingly.

You're adjusting your lifestyle to account for a decrease in income (putting off repairs etc). When really it's their outgoings that need adjusting... or they need to look for a way to balance the books.

Of course she could get a part-time job. This is for DS and DIL to sort out between them.

sycamore54321 · 03/01/2019 15:45

As everyone else has said, stop the money. Or at the very least, insist it very accounted for as an investment in the son’s new business so you might (very slim might) get a return some day. You are far too generous for your own good. Also, I think the problem really lies with your son. His circumstances were the ones that changed through redundancy but his choice of self-employment has seen the family income drop significantly.

Also there may be significant tax implications for your son for the money you are giving him, if it breaches the exempt gift threshold. Has he declared it? It’s just a mess.

Please stop. But confine your discussion with your son to formalizing and ending the financial situation. Their own internal relationship dynamics are not your place.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/01/2019 15:46

I can't imagine any situation bar sudden and severe health where I would take money regularly of my parents. Even then I would never take 50% of their income. Please stop, you cant subsidise them any longer. I would say to them both Jan is the last full payment, its being reduced to zero over 3 months, she can find something part-time.

GabriellaMontez · 03/01/2019 15:46

Ultimately perhaps they'll have to move somewhere cheaper (or get a job).

floribunda18 · 03/01/2019 15:46

Why is the focus just on the DIL not working - your son wants to start his own business and has a big drop in income and stress levels as well. They need to sort this as a couple and make compromises as clearly they both need to make changes to have enough money

Exactly, the DIL hasn't changed anything, it has been brought about by DS. They do need to discuss it as a family, as he and the kids will need to pull their weight around the house if they do not do so already, if DIL is going to work.