Son, DIL, money (mine)

[OhdratNC]

I think I might just need to suck this up but would appreciate advice.
DS was made redundant from nightmare corporate job a year ago and is now self-employed so a big drop in income but also a big drop in stress levels. Two DCs aged 11 & 7. DIL is devoted to DCs, has never had a job and doesn't want to work. I'm retired but have a good pension & some savings. I offered to subsidise the household while DS builds up his business but also asked if DIL might get a P/T job so that she could contribute to the shortfall. Suggestion didn't go down well (their relationship isn't great). Some occasional small contributions have been forthcoming but essentially I am transferring 50% of my income each month. I can manage this but it means that I either delay work needed on my house or use my savings. DS is anxious about it too but doesn't know how to get DIL to see that this is unfair. She finds change distressing and tends to be very stubborn and self-centred when she feels cornered, as she probably does in this situation.

She's being ridiculous.Im a lunchtime supervisor in a school,a post I chose so could be there to take and collect ds from school,it's only £236 a month but it's me contributing as of course I should as ds is school age.She should def get a p/t job if they can't afford to live on one wage.

Their marriage isn't your issue., Stop subbing them.

They will float or sink. Don't be tempted to throw them another lifeline if it's the latter

Stop giving them money. They are adults and need to sort themselves out.

Sorry, cross-post. Mortgage repayments and household bills form the bulk of most household expenses. I assume there are no childcare costs so the only thing they are paying for is food? Or do you even include that in household bills?

It looks like your son’s business isn’t viable at this point. Regardless of what the wife does, he needs to think of a serious alternative.

He needs to go back to employment if he can't make this pay without his mother

Stop enabling your DS and blaming your DiL.

Suspect your DS going back to a proper job would be a much easier way to make up the income shortfall. Expecting your DiL, who has never worked and is at least mid 30s, to find primary school friendly hours that pay well sounds fanciful.

Well something's got to give. And it's not you continuing to give 50% of your pension. I like the reduced plan, with an end date. I think that's kind and realistic. Yes, DIL really does have to step up now.

Maybe your son needs to get out of there completely! She sounds like an absolute nightmare.

My SB actually married a woman like this. She felt her place was at home, despite the kids both being at school. Refused to do even 10 hours work so he had to take a second job, as a taxi driver, around full time hours in the week. He works weekend nights. If he doesn't have a heart attack in the next couple of years, I'll be shocked.

My sister lived rent-free in a property of my dads for years. She never saved and enjoyed flashy holidays and nights out. The situation had to come to an end and suddenly my sister had to fend for herself. She blamed my dad and said if it wasn't for him letting her live rent free she would have bought her own place! She didn't see the irony in that she could have lived rent-free, saved up and still bought her own place. As other have said, you are enabling them and you DIL will never work if she doesnt need to

Yes. Stop giving them money.

Then it sounds like your son has some hard decisions to make around his relationship then. He needs to explain to his DW that this a partnership and he (and you) can’t shoulder all the financial responsibilities.

Agree with all pps, you’re enabling this ridiculous behaviour by your Dil. And I’m glad you’re considering reducing e.g. to 25% for three months then to stop completely. Offer childcare (reasonable amount) to assist when dil is working if need me. But please stop giving your hard earned money. This is affecting your own plans, comfort and wellbeing. I understand we all want to help our kids but we bring them up to be independent and manage their finances. You’ve helped more than enough and your dil needs to step up whether she likes it or not.

If their outgoings are too high and an able adult isn’t contributing , they need to downsize. You really aren’t doing them any favours in the long term, being the banker for their family.

Wow! I can't believe how she can sleep at night, knowing they are taking has your income. It needs to stop, for your sake.

There's nothing wrong with you helping out occasionally but not every month.

Building up a business as a sole earner seems very risky.
One or other of them needs to be in reliable paid employment. His experience and track record would suggest it ought to be him to start with. If DIL has never had a job she isn’t going to find it easy to get one. But they should be working on that together as their next goal. You might help with childcare for a short period until they get something organised.

OP you just sound so lovely and kind but your son does need to sit down and spell it out to your DIL.She can strop all she wants but her choices are limited.either she shapes up or she sinks they all do as a family it leaves her very little to negociate with,as you cannot argue with facts.She should in all fairness be willing to support your son and her own children if she isnt then she is going to have to hit rock bottom cos thats the only way to make her realize,Its not a choice,Its very hard juggling kids I appreciate that ,,mine were very young younger than your grandchildren when we were in dire straights and I gladly left home at 4am and cleaned toilets cos at that time thats what it took for us to survive.My £72.80 p/w wages back then were the differnce between sinking and floating..no I didnt want to do it yes it was bloody soul destroying but we needed money as a family and that was it ..a means to an end but it was done...

In the nicest possible way OP - the money didn't buy you a 'say' in their marriage.

You can't afford to give them the money, so I agree, say you can't afford to give them it any more. You will give them the full amount for Feburary, half for March and then that's it.

Then you don't say anything else. You can't afford this. They can work out how the fill the gap themselves. This might be your DS accepts he has to do the stressful but high paid job, or cut their lifestyle (including downgrading the house) to suit a lower income job, or increase the family income by DIL working. Or they might decide to borrow more money to set up the business properly.

What they do, is between them and not your business. And that'll be the hardest part - keeping out of it.

What would they have done if you couldn't afford to support them (and you can't if it's coming out of your savings...)? Would he have got another job instead of doing his own thing? Was being self employed based on you paying for their mortgage and bills or did he come cap in hand after it was decided?

Londonmummy It's much more equitable than that. She doesn't do housework, they share cooking and shopping, he does all the DIY and once he's home they share childcare. She's a dedicated mum but not a dedicated wife/housekeeper. But I take your point about the difficulty of getting PT jobs to fit around school hours. I suppose I'd just like to know that she is actually trying.

Did he get a redundancy payment?

It's not your business who earns what. It's lovely that you are helping them out but to do it on some sort of condition of how they manage their income is interfering.

It's fine to withdraw your help, it's not fine to make it conditional on who earns what. Their marriage, their business.

What a kind thing to do but really you aren't helping them. They need to learn to stand on their own two feet. Stop giving them money.

Your son had no right to give up his job and start a business without sorting out how they were going to manage first. They are both at fault and yabu for subsidising them without thinking it through.

This is for the two of them to sort out, not you Op in the nicest possible way. They need to come to a joint solution. If that means she goes to work it's up to them to come to that conclusion. If he needs to go back to work then ditto.

What will happen when you say that you are going to stop the handouts is that you will get lots of information about how hard up they are going to be, how they will struggle, could lose their home or whatever. This is going to sound very harsh - but you can't afford to worry about that. They will need to do what so many other couples do when redundancy hits - deal with it.

Your son had no right to give up his job

He was made redundant.

Whatever happens between them and how they manage their finances, you really can't and shouldn't be giving them 50% of your income.

If your DIL doesn't want to work then they will need to sort out how to manage that.

I might sound harsh but it's madness. We've had the odd bit of help from our families but certainly wouldn't expect or accept that sort of arrangement.

Keep your money, but the kids the odd gift or a bag of shopping, maybe offer some childcare but don't enable them to fail to face their problems which seem to go far beyond money.