Son, DIL, money (mine)

[OhdratNC]

I think I might just need to suck this up but would appreciate advice.
DS was made redundant from nightmare corporate job a year ago and is now self-employed so a big drop in income but also a big drop in stress levels. Two DCs aged 11 & 7. DIL is devoted to DCs, has never had a job and doesn't want to work. I'm retired but have a good pension & some savings. I offered to subsidise the household while DS builds up his business but also asked if DIL might get a P/T job so that she could contribute to the shortfall. Suggestion didn't go down well (their relationship isn't great). Some occasional small contributions have been forthcoming but essentially I am transferring 50% of my income each month. I can manage this but it means that I either delay work needed on my house or use my savings. DS is anxious about it too but doesn't know how to get DIL to see that this is unfair. She finds change distressing and tends to be very stubborn and self-centred when she feels cornered, as she probably does in this situation.

What's she doing all day if not housework???

Just to clarify - Op's son was made redundant a year ago, he didn't choose to leave his job. If he was made redundant that means he got some sort of payment, we don't know how much.

She doesn’t do housework? What does she do all day then?

Perhaps you could show your support by offering some childcare whilst she works if that is possible for you of course?

You certainly need to stop the money, there are many other ways to help.

Going to go against the grain here..

Why was your DS made redundant? Whose decision was it to go self employed instead of another role with the same level of income? Was it a joint decision knowing that there would be serious financial impact? You offered them money they didn't come to you asking for it to bail them out.

How do you know the DIL is EA? Does your DS discuss his relationship with you and are you capable of being objective? You say she is devoted to the children.

Whatever the circumstances as a MIL you have no business telling your DIL to get a job. You must know that it's never going to go down well. It's none of your business how they sort their finances out. Did you offer assistance so you could interfere? I suspect we are only getting a bit of the story here and strongly recommend you withdraw your financial help and butt out of their lives.

I dont know why everyone is railing against DIL who is a SAHM, which anywhere else on mumsnet is valued. Your son has made the active decision to not pursue another corporate job and massively change the families circumstances, not her.

I would think that she sees it as you are enabling your son to follow his dream of being self employed, whilst she carries on doing what she has always done.

If he was working in his previous job, no one would dare suggest she was not pulling her weight and freeloading off him. I don't know why everyone is now looking at her as lazy.

Your son has changed the goal posts, not her. I feel sorry for your DIL, you obviously dont value her contribution as a SAHM

I think we all hate change to some degree but your DIL in particular needs to step up now. The children are of an age where she is perfectly capable of getting something P/T to fit in around school hours. It's really a discussion your DS needs to be having with her, and you need to stop funding them as you're just enabling her to not work.

She's probably thinking why should she get a job because you're subsidising their income. She needs to feel the pinch to look for a job. You need to tell them that your payments will stop by a certain date. I would Give them three months. Perhaps your son needs to look for a different job?

You’ve been very generous helping them out for a year but it needs to stop. If their marriage fails, it won’t be because of you not giving them half your pension.

Stop interfering in your sons marriage. Whether your DIL does housework or not is none of your concern. If your son has an issue with his wife not cleaning every day then I'm sure he's well able to discuss it with her. Tell him asap that you are not in a position to fund him anymore. After that it's none of your business how they make ends meet or how they keep their house.

The misandrists have started with their mental gymnastics to make literally the fault of a man I see.
Sometimes women are lazy, sometimes women are abusive, sometimes women are the problem.
Of course she needs to get a job. Even if he hadn't been made redundant she was being very unreasonable to neither work or do the housework as soon as the youngest kid was of school age, if not before then.

Aww diddums, DIL doesn’t want to work? Tough shit!
Gosh I can’t believe they would just keep accepting money from you rather than finance themselves.

It’d be different if they were both busting their arses and occasionally came up short and you helped out. Right now they are taking the piss.

I simply can’t imagine a scenario in which if I or my DH had lost our jobs my or his parents would give us half their income. It’s bananas.

This kind of thing happens to many people and they downsize and/or the non-working spouse gets a job. Happened to my DH’s parents in fact and his mother set up her own business that turned out to be very lucrative.

If they split up over her instransigence she’d have to work.

It's the basics of the mortgage repayments & household bills
Either or both of them NEED to get a regular job to pay for these basics.

Even your suggestion of slowly reducing the payments is ridiculous - you're enabling these irresponsible fuckwits.
They can't afford to go self-employed just yet, it could be years before he breaks even let alone make a profit.

What an utter selfish and inconsiderate pair of twats they are!

But I think the suggestion to give them less each month, with a cut-off date, is a good one. It's probably to only way to get the DIL to accept that she needs to get a job.

Sounds like a good plan. Plus, your DiL needs to consider her own future job prospects to lock in her pension etc. If they need to apply for Universal Credit (assuming you're in the UK) then there's a point at which it will be expected that she is actively job seeking.

You need to focus on the finances OP, your money, that is. Keep your nose out of their marriage. Your interest should be limited to what you want to do/are prepared to do, to help financially.

You are subsidising a couple's lifestyle and it's a desirable rather than a needful one from what you've posted. They need to stand on their own two feet - your son included.

If you need your money to do your own things then, as PP suggested, give them a few months notice and then stop. Obviously you wouldn't see them homeless or without food but it is their responsibility to provide for their children - and each other - not yours.

You've been very kind to them - stop financing them though as they need to operate as a couple.

Stop stop stop!

She's sat on her arse all day while her children are in school, your DH is desperately trying to get his business off the ground, and she's expecting half your monthly retirement income to cover her ???

FUck that! Stop giving them money and be clear with your son why. He needs to sort out the selfish slacker in his marriage.

She's probably thinking why should she get a job because you're subsidising their income. She needs to feel the pinch to look for a job.

Yep. DS should never have accepted OP’s offer, and he’s clearly not going to get through to his strange wife if she doesn’t feel the sharp end of reality.

Well if your DS cannot run the household on his own income, she needs to get a job, or he needs a different job

Why on earth are you subsidising their lifestyle?

Stop interfering in their relationship OP! It's not your position to judge what's right or wrong in terms of housework, or dictating who should work where or when - that's for both adults to decide.

You need to step back entirely. Stop giving them cash. You need to help them to help themselves here - they're adults, they can / should be able to work this out for themselves.

You're really harming them in the long term by allowing this situation to continue, it's a really short sighted "fix".

Oh this feels like it will go down the route of bashing DIL. Your son is choosing to be with her, choosing to ask you for money (half your income at that! ) and somehow you are annoyed at your DIL. You birthed your son....

For what it's worth she does need to get a job and I imagine they aren't asking her parents for money so I am going to presume that your son and his wife know you are quite well off. You need to stop funding them though, if they're that poor that they can't afford to live, then I imagine they would be entitled to help. Otherwise it's not fire straits like a lot of us deal with every day.

Your son has changed the goal posts, not her. I feel sorry for your DIL, you obviously dont value her contribution as a SAHM

This!

Yes, she's a SAHM ... to children of school age who are in school! And her family is struggling to find enough income to survive.

A part time job is the minimal ask, and that's all that's been asked of her ... and she's said she doesn't WANT to. Selfish.

Yes exactly he gets made redundant - he decides he wants to do something else - runs to Mum to help subside this - they then both decide that DIL needs to get a job and suddenly that is what is presented to her. A complete change in circumstances decided by her DH and MIL who feel it is unfair that suddenly after 11 years out she should find a job to supplement the shortfall in him deciding he wants to earn less and have a less stressful job.

Part time jobs that fit in with all of that and enable him to do his business are rare and she probably just isnt trained for it.

They need to figure out a way forward that is feasible and doesnt include you

and OP who does do housework then? I wonder if you dont have rose coloured glasses on for this a little

Your DS cannot afford to be self-employed at this point in time.

Or

Your DS and his family cannot afford to live in the house they are in, and should downsize rapidly.

Whether or not your DIL works is a matter between your DS and your DIL.

Whether or not you continue to give them money is a matter for you.

Set a time-limit, or a total cash limit, and stick to it.

Can you offer to help provide after-school childcare in order to enable DIL to work if that is a stumbling block?