DP bruised my baby

[Oneinthegrave]

I don’t know how to approach this. DP (DS dad) is very heavy handed. He sometimes hurts me without realising, he’ll go to ‘tickle’ my sides while im cooking or something but digs his fingers in my sides so hard it hurts and then kicks off if i say something because he was ‘trying to have a laugh’.

Yesterday my 16 month old son needed his nappy changing and was over tired because we’d been visiting family and he’d missed his nap. He was crying and trying to get away (nothing new) and DP was holding onto his legs. I didn’t know at the time how hard he was holding him but my son was sobbing and I had to take over because DP was getting angry.

Today i’ve noticed my son has a bruise on his leg where DP was holding him, it’s a greyish bruise probably double the size of DP’s thumb. I know he wouldnt intentionally do this to our son but I have to tell him what’s happened so it doesn’t happen again, but I need to word it in a way so that he doesn’t get defensive and kick off.

What would you say to him??

I would leave and report him to social services

I know he wouldnt intentionally do this to our son

But he intentionally hurts you, for fun?

Your post rings so many alarm bells.

You say to him, “stop being so heavy handed, you’ve bruised DS’ leg”. Why should he get defensive? He should be apologetic.

Do you feel safe OP?

If you're scared of him kicking off when you point out he harmed his child then your problems are bigger than you realise.

Social care don't take "Oh he's a bit heavy handed, but gets angry when I point it out" as an excuse for a child having bruises.

When he goes to school, rough and tumble play that leads to bruising will eventually lead to more questions

Protect your child now. Don't make excuses for a man who shows no empathy for harming his family. Intentionally or not.

but I need to word it in a way so that he doesn’t get defensive and kick off

Why are you tiptoeing around him when he's hurt your baby? Let him kick off. He needs to know he can't put bruises on babies, hurt his partner 'by accident' and you need to realise he has issues and nothing is by accident.

Not sure if the photo will upload, it’s just the fact that it’s not a full on purple bruise i think he’ll try and make out like he’s done it elsewhere or say something like well he shouldnt try to get away, and if he says that i’ll loose my shit, I’m not sure wether to just do all nappies myself until he’s out of the get away stage or say something

I need to word it in a way so that he doesn’t get defensive and kick off.

Please leave him. Your child cannot protect himself so you must.

"I need to word it in a way so that he doesn’t get defensive and kick off."

OP please really carefully consider the implications of what you've said here, and understand that it doesn't indicate that you trust your OP not to hurt your son.

OP that's a pretty big bruise. Protect your child

If he has hurt him now when he is still a baby then he will hurt him more when he's a defiant toddler. Toddlers scream, shout and push your buttons. Would you now trust him not to get angry and hurt him?

Please ask him to leave.

A man who “kicks off” when told that he has hurt someone is not a safe or suitable man to be caring for a helpless baby.
This situation is abusive. Your baby has been injured, and you are scared of how to approach the man responsible? Red flags all over this.
Please get help before this escalates, OP. If he can’t control his anger and won’t tolerate having his behaviour called out, then this is a child protection disaster in the making.

Ffs he hurts you deliberately and then kicks off when you pull him up on this and he’s got huge bruise on his leg

Report to social services and LTB

That is a huge bruise, and a deep one too.

He cannot be allowed to be alone with the baby, and you really do need to start working out a way to get away from him, for your sake and your son’s.

Deliberately hurting you and then minimising is really worrying. It’s not normal, at all, for a man to treat his partner that way and it’s seriously worrying that he lost it enough to hurt his own child. Horrible.

Whatever he tells you to minimise this, it’s not true. You and your son deserve better.

If you're scared of him kicking off when you point out he harmed his child then your problems are bigger than you realise.

This ^

If DH hurt me, he'd apologise, not get defensive. Even more so if he hurt a small child.

This man isn't good news.

Is the baby his OP, because you refer to him as 'mine'. Brilliant if he's not the father as will have no rights.

Ffs do not prioritise your DP and his ‘feelings’ over your son and his well being.

If my DH had done this to our DD I know without a doubt he’d hate himself with guilt he certainly wouldn’t be getting defensive and angry.

You have a serious DP problem that’s likely to get worse. Because if nappy changes make him angry then how will he cope with terrible two’s, or super defiant three’s where they won’t listen or do anything you ask?

In fact I hope MN deal with this thread behind the scenes as there's a duty here. This is how baby P started.

The only correct reaction to being told you need to be careful because youve bruised your toddler is to be absolutely mortified and apologetic. Kicking off about that is not a normal or appropriate reaction. You shouldn't have to word it in a certain way because any reasonable person would accept it and change.

The fact he may be heavy handed is not the issue. A normal response would be deep remorse.

That's a very large bruise on a tiny cute little leg.
For the moment you need to keep him discreetly away from changing baby and review your next steps. Don't leave him alone with baby.

My DH can be the same while tickling me etc. I have to remind him to be gentle with DS (2) when they are playing rough and tumble. BUT when I tell him he stops or is more gentle and apologies, he doesn’t get angry. I think he genuinely doesn’t realise how rough he’s being - he needs to learn. Your DH also needs to learn but I’d be much more worried about the anger reaction and the holding DS too hard when he’s in a temper.

Six words will do.

"Get out and don't come back"

He is abusive and also it is extremely dangerous to tickle you when you are cooking at the hob. If that's his idea of a laugh he's a complete bell end.

That’s the thing, I haven’t told him yet he’s still in bed he might be gutted he might kick off I don’t know, that’s why I wanted help creating a calm reasonable way of approaching him to tell him this has happened

That’s a large bruise.

If your DP gets angry to that extent, I think you should do the nappy-changing yourself.

OP are you ok? Your posts are really worrying me, it’s not right that you’re living in fear.