DP bruised my baby

[Oneinthegrave]

I don’t know how to approach this. DP (DS dad) is very heavy handed. He sometimes hurts me without realising, he’ll go to ‘tickle’ my sides while im cooking or something but digs his fingers in my sides so hard it hurts and then kicks off if i say something because he was ‘trying to have a laugh’.

Yesterday my 16 month old son needed his nappy changing and was over tired because we’d been visiting family and he’d missed his nap. He was crying and trying to get away (nothing new) and DP was holding onto his legs. I didn’t know at the time how hard he was holding him but my son was sobbing and I had to take over because DP was getting angry.

Today i’ve noticed my son has a bruise on his leg where DP was holding him, it’s a greyish bruise probably double the size of DP’s thumb. I know he wouldnt intentionally do this to our son but I have to tell him what’s happened so it doesn’t happen again, but I need to word it in a way so that he doesn’t get defensive and kick off.

What would you say to him??

My DH is heavy handed, he's a tradesman has a knack for smashing glasses he's simply holding (accidentally)

He has never hurt me or either DC.

You need to get out he hurts you then kicks off if you tell him he hurts you. That is fucked up.

I have a similar age baby they can be gits for changing/dressing but you can't lose your temper they are still defenceless.

I don’t think you should be trying to think of anyway to tell him which keeps him calm and not kicking off. You need to leave with your baby because you don’t sound safe. Please listen to these responses- your poor baby.

This is setting off alarm bells.

OK - your photo loaded while I was typing - I take back any comparison to my DH he’d never do anything that could leave a bruise like that on me or DS. I hate the MN thing of immediately telling people to break up these family and leave but in this case if he reacts with anything other than huge remorse I think you seriously need to consider getting him out of your sons life for his own safety.

Just say to him - have you seen the bruise you gave ds yesterday? His response will tell you how to deal with the future

If your DP gets angry to that extent, I think you should do the nappy-changing yourself.

No, she needs to LTB.

You sound a bit scared of this man, OP, and quite rightly so. What would he do if you tickled him so hard it hurt, and then said it was for a laugh? That baby is in for a hard life if you don't get rid of this abusive prick.

Honestly OP I don’t know what to say other than you doing the nappy changes won’t help because it will then be something else, DS not putting his clothes on, ds not wanting to go in/out the bath, climbing on something he shouldn’t, having a tantrum because off the unreasonable things toddlers have tantrums about.

If your DP is 'heavy-handed' with a tiny baby, things will get worse as your DC gets older. Your DP needs to sort himself out, immediately.
If you are afraid of confronting him about his physicality, that is a massive red flag, and doesn't say good things about your DP realising the error of his ways and making permanent changes.
If my DP hurt me, for a laugh, then got defensive when I was upset, I would feel massively unsafe in that relationship. Things spiral, OP. Please consider whether you and your DC are safe around this man.

Is your child's safety worth risking to stay in this relationship?

Oh op, if he has the capacity to do that to a tiny baby he has the capacity to do so much more. You need to go somewhere safe and protect your son, and you.

I'm really shocked by that photo.

There is definitely a bruise there. He was holding the child's legs hard it caused a bruise. He needs to know that. You seem a bit scared of him. I remember my toddlers trying to get away when getting nappies changed, that's just what they do. You need to protect your child.

I’m going to wait until he’s up and woke up abit then show him DS’ leg and say this happened while you was changing his nappy yesterday and see what he says, if he doesn’t seem remorseful I’ll 100% be leaving after Christmas day

WTF is wrong with people who tickle. It generates a laughing reaction whilst causing pain. Being held down to tickle is assault. Don't give a fuck who's doing it, if they know you don't like it, it's abuse.

There is no way of arse-licking your partner enough for him not to kick off when you tell him he's abused your son. Because he's an abuser and he doesn't care, he will just blame you or the poor child.

That bruise is almost a quarter of your baby's leg. Compare that with a bruise on a human, your whole lower leg would have to be bruised to be comparable. It isn't that it's a 'thumb print'. It's his entire lower leg which could even be broken.

OP what do you mean by kicking off? What happens exactly when you challenge him?

Wonky I have to say as a person who has been both tickled when held down (ex DH for a laugh and I hate tickling) and raped violently, please don’t equate the 2. You really really wouldn’t want the latter.

I thought it was going to be a pinprick mark not an enormous bruise like that. That's horrible to see and to hear that he was crying in pain. He was clearing placing painful pressure into him. He sounds revolting. Leave. He'll hurt you and your son again.

That's actually quite a bruise considering how he acquired it.

Please leave. Do you have somewhere safe to go?

Just looked at the bruise in the pic and "not sure if I should do all the nappies now". Actually it's not your dp who needs to leave this toxic home, it's your ds with the help of a good social worker. Read back what you have posted.

He has already shown you he isn’t remorseful.

Why are you putting your child at risk and not acting now?

I appreciate the responses but can i just defend myself and say that in no way am I compromising my sons safety. This is the very first time anything like this has happened towards my son and it wasn’t fully intentional. I’m not defending DP as this shouldn’t have happened at all and the fact that it has makes me feel sick. I’ve pre-assumed that he might kick off because of how he does when he accidentally hurts me which i get is not ideal but again, that’s only happened a few times when he’s had too much to drink and doesn’t know how hard he’s being.

I’ll tell him about the bruise when he gets uo and whatever his reaction is will determine wether we stay or go

I will admit, me and the partner were playfighting in bed last night and I do have a slight bruise on my rib from him tickling me pretty hard, as you say my partner is heavy handed. But my partner is also a gentle giant with kids, when he tickles his own son it’s completely different and would NEVER grab hold of him to the point of bruising, he’d be in bits if he realised he bruised a toddler! Your partner isn’t heavy handed - he has issues bruising a child that is completely defenceless

My DH is a very, very strong man he has the nickname Tank if that gives you an idea. He has never ever bruised one of our children and if he had he would be mortified. I feel like you are excusing his behaviour instead of facing the reality which is that you’re with a nasty bully who you have to tiptoe around.

He’s hurt your son. I think it’s time to stop the tiptoeing and leave.

Children get bigger and they do become more defiant. If he can’t cope with changing the nappy on a wriggly baby, how’s he going to cope when you’ve got a teenager in the house?

WONKY what a terrible thing to say

As a health visitor I would be asking questions if I saw that bruise.

I would be concerned of you told me your partner did this if you were still in the same house as him. It would give me serious concerns for the safety of your baby,