DP bruised my baby

[Oneinthegrave]

I don’t know how to approach this. DP (DS dad) is very heavy handed. He sometimes hurts me without realising, he’ll go to ‘tickle’ my sides while im cooking or something but digs his fingers in my sides so hard it hurts and then kicks off if i say something because he was ‘trying to have a laugh’.

Yesterday my 16 month old son needed his nappy changing and was over tired because we’d been visiting family and he’d missed his nap. He was crying and trying to get away (nothing new) and DP was holding onto his legs. I didn’t know at the time how hard he was holding him but my son was sobbing and I had to take over because DP was getting angry.

Today i’ve noticed my son has a bruise on his leg where DP was holding him, it’s a greyish bruise probably double the size of DP’s thumb. I know he wouldnt intentionally do this to our son but I have to tell him what’s happened so it doesn’t happen again, but I need to word it in a way so that he doesn’t get defensive and kick off.

What would you say to him??

You should be the one who kicked off when he was angry and rough with your baby. He should be scared of you and your reaction when he does that. What a total fucker. Stop being a wet blanket OP and protect your baby.

Keep a record of the bruises-if you leave him, you need to make sure he doesn't get unsupervised contact.

" He sometimes hurts me without realising,"

I doubt it.

It's his attitude to finding he's bruised his baby that will tell you all you need to know OP.

No. That is so wrong.

He has form for 'accidentally' hurting the OP, she is scared of him kicking off when she mentions what he has done to the child. That is what tells the OP all she needs to know.

Abusers are very good at apologising, it means nothing.

In other words, you’re giving him a chance to make excuses and promise not to do it again.

Non-mobile infants are the group most at risk of abuse, OP, for obvious reasons. Put your child first, ffs.

*he accidentally hurts me which i get is not ideal but again, that’s only happened a few times when he’s had too much to drink and doesn’t know how hard he’s being.**

And when you protest he "kicks off" ?

So he hurts you when "drunk"?
Was he drunk when he hurt the baby?
And he will drink tomorrow right?
You and baby are not safe.
Go to family or have family over so they can witness and call 999....

If you cannot trust him to not hurt you then you cannot be with him
If you cannot trust him with your ds you and ds have to leave

Find your inner strength and protect your defenceless baby OP!!! Of course it was intentional, you KNOW how hard you’re holding onto anything, let alone a tiny human being, and you know when a baby is sobbing in pain. He already hurts you and kicks off when you don’t just accept his abusive treatment, do better by your child.

Babies are hard to bruise, I remember grabbing ds really hard because he was falling. I grabbed his arm really really hard, there was only a tiny bruise. That scared me because I realised just how hard you have work to bruise a baby.
If he doesn’t realise how hard he’s holding the baby that’s really worrying. If you’re scared of him you need to leave.

Have you got family to go to op? Once is enough. Your poor son.

Keep a record of the bruises-if you leave him, you need to make sure he doesn't get unsupervised contact
No chance of that, all it will show is OP let her child be repeatedly abused so she won't have custody anyway.
OP my husband abused me and the children. It is possible to get away, in the end I did it before Christmas because the fakery was the secrecy. There is more abuse over Christmas than any other time of year. More women and children are battered over the holidays. Also, when football teams lose. Also, New Year.

My ex doesn't get contact because the risk is so high.

So to a PP who said I don't know what I'm talking about, I do, 15 year marriage which only physically started on the kids in the last 3 months as far as I was aware, you have to leave. There's no choice, your child will only ever know fear and abuse.

And prolonged held down tickling which is painful and makes you cry but laugh at the same time is one of the worst forms of abuse imo. And I've experienced all of them so don't tell me to fuck off, to that pp. Get some compassion and think about it. I'm not talking about a play fight. I'm talking about being pinned down.

My dh would be the first to admit that he could be a bit heavy handed when we play around.

But if I say ow, he immediately backs off and apologies and makes a concentrated effort not to be that hard again.

He has never bruised the kids like that either

Abusers are very good at apologising, it means nothing.

Yes that's right. But before telling the OP to leave (which may well involve uc claim & no money for 5 weeks, foodbanks & homelessness so a period in a one room b&b what with spaces in a refuge particularly non-existent at this time of year) I think the op needs to be sure that this wasn't genuinely unintentional.

Refuge have a section on recognising abuse. Does “Are you walking on eggshells to avoid making him angry” sound familiar?

Can you pack a bag for you and DS with things like your birth certificates, driving licence, passport etc and leave them with a friend?

Can you phone Refuge’s Helpline and talk this through with them?

He is getting angry and restraining the baby by the legs during a nappy change until the baby was sobbing. You saw this happen. How do you know that this isn't happening at every nappy change while you are at work?

The fact that he was losing his temper over a wriggly nappy change is a huge cause for concern.

He sometimes hurts me without realising, he’ll go to ‘tickle’ my sides while im cooking or something but digs his fingers in my sides so hard it hurts and then kicks off if i say something because he was ‘trying to have a laugh’.

Oh, he knows he's hurting you.

Looking back ds was a monstrous nappy wriggler. I recall having to wedge him against the activity arch and change him as he stood. I had to sort of catch him and squash him a bit and it was quite physical. It never made him cry (might have made me cry with exhaustion) and I never ever hurt him.

Stop making excuses

I was taught that tickling was a form of abuse.
I never allowed my children to be tickled.
My daughter would wet herself if anyone did that to her.
It’s big scary adults, hurting a child in a supposedly playful way, but the adults are still in control.

If he’s poking you in the ribs..that’s not tickling...that’s an angry , resentful poke

Op does he "accidentally" hurt you in other ways?

as in:
"Oh sorry I thought you were looking when I threw that at you" explained away as in - here are your/keys/phone etc

Do you get a lot of apologies that you don't feel are genuine? from experience these cowardly ways escalate into braver acts.

Please show this bruise to your gp or health visitor today, or go to social services, ring nspcc, and tell them what you have posted. If you are afraid to do so it is a sign that you really need to do it.
I would take advice about leaving baby with dp, it will be more risky as he gets older and a mind of his own. Better safe than sorry.
Hope your dp has the correct reaction but if not protect your baby op, and yourself, please. Let us know when you are safe, women's aid may help if you have nowhere to go. What would your mum or sister say?

Oneinthegrave what jumps out reading your posts is that your thought process is immediately about how to 'manage' your DP so he doesn't kick off and ways to 'work around' him such as doing all the changing yourself. Do you think that's a good way to live? Does it indicate a healthy relationship?

Think about what life looks like in the future, living with an impatient, heavy handed man whose reactions you can't anticipate. You suggest that he may be horrified or he could get defensive. So he could go one of two completely different ways about the same unarguable fact: he harmed his baby son. Think about that.

The problem with living with someone like this is you find yourself constantly trying to anticipate and second guess how he'll react to anything that might annoy or upset or hurt his feelings so no matter what's going on you always have that anxiety. You end up measuring your words so he doesn't get upset, biting your tongue rather than disagreeing with him, trying to read his mood before telling him anything negative, going along with things you don't agree with because you can't face the possible reaction if you don't . And your DC learn to do the same

Please don't make this man the Sun around which you and your DC orbit, if you do the bahaviour will become more engrained and you will start to normalise it to you and your dc.

Three times in 3 years he’s accidentally hurt me with the tickling thing i didn’t word my OP very well. I’ve just spoken to him, showed him the bruise and he knew straight away he did it and apologised, took DS and cuddled him and even welled up. I thought he would brush it under the carpet like he did with me those times.

I’ve spoken about the tickling as i’ve only ever said dont do it when he’s actually been doing it not addressed it properly and he said he won’t do it again. I’ve told him that i’ve posted on here and the general tone of the replies and that got his back up a little because he doesn’t like social media but he’s said he will in future try harder to calm himself while our sons trying to get away.

I’ve told him that I know it’s very close to Christmas but if I ever see him loose his temper with DS or anything like this again that i’ll be going to my parents and reporting him to SS and he said that’s fair enough.

Thankyou for the replies, I’m sorry i got everyone worked up I just jumped the gun abit and assumed he wouldnt be bothered / be annoyed but he seems genuinely sorry, cuddled up with DS on the sofa now still with tears in his eyes

Have you managed to speak to him yet OP?

Sounds like a good outcome OP.

Sorry cross post

Unless you think the op is unfit and neglectful and if she has the means to get away why on earth would you suggest she reports this to ss or gp and facilitates their involvement?