DP bruised my baby

[Oneinthegrave]

I don’t know how to approach this. DP (DS dad) is very heavy handed. He sometimes hurts me without realising, he’ll go to ‘tickle’ my sides while im cooking or something but digs his fingers in my sides so hard it hurts and then kicks off if i say something because he was ‘trying to have a laugh’.

Yesterday my 16 month old son needed his nappy changing and was over tired because we’d been visiting family and he’d missed his nap. He was crying and trying to get away (nothing new) and DP was holding onto his legs. I didn’t know at the time how hard he was holding him but my son was sobbing and I had to take over because DP was getting angry.

Today i’ve noticed my son has a bruise on his leg where DP was holding him, it’s a greyish bruise probably double the size of DP’s thumb. I know he wouldnt intentionally do this to our son but I have to tell him what’s happened so it doesn’t happen again, but I need to word it in a way so that he doesn’t get defensive and kick off.

What would you say to him??

My DH is pretty large and clumsy and has hurt me in the past when tickling me or similar. He apologises when it has happened ( probably 3 times in 17 years of marriage) and is usually careful not to do it
If he ever hurt one of the DC he would be really upset and he still talks about a time when dd was a baby ( now 14) and he thinks he might have put her in her bouncy chair too roughly. If he left a bruise on one of the dc I would go ballistic and his feelings would be the least of my concerns.
This isn’t right OP, him doing it and you worrying about his reaction if you bring it up

I've had the latter, repeatedly, in marriage, and the former. The former is more painful.

Being pinned down (because of previous physical and sexual abuse in marriage) provoked a fight or flight reaction in me every time. I cannot bear it, whatever the intentions. It’s awful and really distresses me.

If that was reported by nursery, for example, you could face losing your child for failing to protect him. Do the right thing op

I will admit, me and the partner were playfighting in bed last night and I do have a slight bruise on my rib from him tickling me pretty hard, as you say my partner is heavy handed. But my partner is also a gentle giant with kids, when he tickles his own son it’s completely different and would NEVER grab hold of him to the point of bruising, he’d be in bits if he realised he bruised a toddler! Your partner isn’t heavy handed - he has issues bruising a child that is completely defenceless
Please read this back to yourself.
It's ok to hold you down and tickle you, and bruise you, when he knows that he can't be that heavy with his son?! Tells you a lot abut how he sees you.

@DeloresJaneUmbridge my thoughts exactly, sw

You need to understand how completely unacceptable your situation is and I'm guessing that there is more that you haven't said. A friend's husband accidentally fell down the stairs holding his baby, and my mum lost her grip on my brothers car seat dropping him on his head. Accidents happen but this is no accident. This is being rough and forceful. Your worried about talking to him because he may defensive -are you sure it's not because he'll be angry or find another way to punish you?

OP if you are looking for a way to tell him about the bruise its 'oh look at that nasty bruise! Wait! How did that get there?'

You are making far too many excuses for your DH it sounds like he has no self awareness & can't take things on board that he has caused that are harmful to you & your DS.
Even more worrying is that you are scared of talking to him because you might upset him & his reaction will then become a problem.
I can see from your posts that you don't want to leave him. If you don't do anything about this though you are complicit in the harm that he's causing to you and your DS.

Talk to your health visitor, GP or a confidential helpline - do you have any details of anyone you could call? Or a friend who you trust at least.

Does anyone here have any helpline numbers that could help OP?

I think you are doing the right thing op, you need to talk to him frankly about this (and mention the tickling you). Some people are very heavy handed (I have a dd like this, and she’s been diagnosed with a sensory disorder which means she can’t feel things like we do), but when you talk to him he should be massively remorseful, if he ‘kicks off’ or minimises it m, you have to think carefully about your next steps as he could seriously harm your baby.

If you had to pop out for something right now, OP, would you leave your baby in your partner’s care?

If not, there’s your answer about what you should do.

Wonky - i didn’t write that

He may genuinely not realise how much force he's using. Particularly if he does a manual job ime.

Just show him the bruise and say you're not sure if he's made it. See what his reaction is.
If it's bad I'd go today not after Christmas.

Sadly Christmas is a classic time for abuse to start it escalate.

Don't wait till after Xmas, get the fuck out now

OP I don't believe that any adult is so heavy handed that they hurt people without realising. I am 'heavy handed' and can bash things round in the kitchen and drop things. But I have never ever hurt anyone when tickling, I know not to dig my fingers in and I have never bruised my children's legs by holding them so tight it left a bruise. He knows he is doing this deliberately.

Er... many manual jobs require precision and skill, not brute force. The OP has told him that he hurts her, so he has no excuse.

Poor little baby. Makes me sad to think your little baby was crying in pain thanks to his cunt of a father.

Just show him the bruise and say you're not sure if he's made it. See what his reaction is.

Whatever you do, don't do this. It is pretty damn obvious he did make it. And he need to be told that.

This is the worst post I've read in a long time ... u need to leave

I agree with the others - if you have to scrape and cringe around him when he's bruised a baby its a terrible sign. You need to tell him straight and gauge the reaction, if he isnt apologetic i would be plotting my escape tbh.

Oh no-your poor baby.

Well a lot of manual jobs need strength and sometimes people don't realize their grip is too strong for a little child.

I'm not trying to excuse harm, just it's better not to go in all guns blazing in this situation.

It's his attitude to finding he's bruised his baby that will tell you all you need to know OP.

I see someone else has asked what I was going to, but what does his 'kicking off' consist of? I've a feeling there's an awful lot more going on than you've felt able to explain on here.

As for his response when you show him the bruises, that really isnt an indicator as to whether you should stay or not. He has bruised your baby, no amount of apologising will change that fact. Your son isnt safe around him, that is the only issue here. I suspect you arent safe around him either. Please protect yourself and your son and leave him.

I think I was mainly worried about him trying to brush it under the carpet because he doesn’t like to show feelings like that so I wouldn’t know if he was upset or indifferent, he gets quite defensive to avoid me knowing how he feels. I will 100% be talking to him this morning about the tickling me, being abit boisterous with DS and this bruise and just making it clear that he needs to be more careful and not get angry. I work part time and DP looks after DS while I’m there, with no issues at all. He’s never been hurt before only ever been to the doctors with a rash, is doing every developmental milestone waking talking etc, so it’s not like this is something i’ve known about for a while and not said / done anything. This is the first instance and will be the last. It will be down to DPs reaction to the chat that will determine what happens next