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Original poster

DP bruised my baby

399 replies

Oneinthegrave · 24/12/2018 09:16

I don’t know how to approach this. DP (DS dad) is very heavy handed. He sometimes hurts me without realising, he’ll go to ‘tickle’ my sides while im cooking or something but digs his fingers in my sides so hard it hurts and then kicks off if i say something because he was ‘trying to have a laugh’.

Yesterday my 16 month old son needed his nappy changing and was over tired because we’d been visiting family and he’d missed his nap. He was crying and trying to get away (nothing new) and DP was holding onto his legs. I didn’t know at the time how hard he was holding him but my son was sobbing and I had to take over because DP was getting angry.

Today i’ve noticed my son has a bruise on his leg where DP was holding him, it’s a greyish bruise probably double the size of DP’s thumb. I know he wouldnt intentionally do this to our son but I have to tell him what’s happened so it doesn’t happen again, but I need to word it in a way so that he doesn’t get defensive and kick off.

What would you say to him??

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 24/12/2018 10:43

I despair at the people saying well done to the OP. I can guarantee none of you have lived with an abusive partner

Actually it's entirely possible they have/are but they can't see it. Plenty of people have grown up with this shit as their example of a normal relationship. It's like the boiling frog theory unfortunately Sad

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 24/12/2018 10:45

he’s said he will in future try harder to calm himself while our sons trying to get away.

He hurt your child in anger. Leave. Now.

Soggiemoggie · 24/12/2018 10:46

Sorry you are dealing with this OP but please find the courage and inner strength to protect your baby. He is so precious and is entirely dependent on you to protect him from harm. Your DP is dangerous and you don't want to wait for the next incident. Please find some support IRL. Can you go and stay with a friend/family and work out next steps. In the very least go to A&E and get him checked over medically and it's a safe place to talk to someone or get help. I know this is going to feel drastic but the reactions on here should tell you how serious this is. Good luck OPFlowers

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McWilde · 24/12/2018 10:49

OP, I don't think you're able to see this situation clearly. It's not normal to be afraid to bring things with your partner and be walking on eggshells.
Sign up for the Freedom Programme, a quick call to WA will get you on it.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 24/12/2018 10:49

Yes yes yes to the Freedom Programme!

Regnamechanger · 24/12/2018 10:50

Fucking hell op! Are you serious? You're going to accept him saying that he'll "try"? Will you never leave him alone with your child? Will you always be there if the "trying" fails? How much damage to this baby will it take for you to get the poor little mite to safety?

NotTerfNorCis · 24/12/2018 10:51

You keep saying he doesn't mean to cause harm but you're obviously afraid of him 'kicking off'. There's more to this than you're comfortable admitting.

Rogueone · 24/12/2018 10:54

My word this is a horrible thread. My OH is a big 6ft 4 man and he has never roughly man handled any of our DC or caused severe bruising. Your making excuses for him being a bit heavy handed. Are you serious? Well I am so glad he will try harder not to get frustrated and angry next time.....

TinselandToblerones · 24/12/2018 10:58

How wonderful MN is. A woman and her child are potentionally being abused by her partner. The OP deals with it in the best way she can, MN disagree with her so add to the abuse by abusing her verbally.

SoaringSwallow · 24/12/2018 11:01

OP if he's sorry, then he won't have a problem with both of you (or just you) taking your baby to get checked out to rule out that he doesn't have a small fracture.

His primary concern will be the health and well being of the baby.

As yours should be.

neveradullmoment99 · 24/12/2018 11:01

I was taught that tickling was a form of abuse.
Really? FFS.
What an utterly outrageous statement.
You were obviously brought up in a warped family.

I remember being tickled as a child. I thought it was funny!! Certainly absolutely NO abuse.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 24/12/2018 11:02

You are walking on eggshells around him so he doesn’t kick off.
Huge red flags here. I’m sorry OP, you & your son are not safe

slappinthebass · 24/12/2018 11:03

Hold up. All three of my kids had finger print bruises on their legs from nappy changes regularly. I always considered it just because babies can bruise so much more easily and just holding on to them to stop them from rolling off a changing table or whatever can cause a small bruise. I don't consider myself abusive. I had a DC that used to run into roads a lot (SEN) and I'd often have to grip her hand/wrist last minute to stop her running into traffic, I remember seeing finger print bruises on her wrist once and feeling awful but I was just keeping her safe. I think his heavy handedness sounds like it needs gently addressing and LTB is a bit dramatic.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 24/12/2018 11:03

Regnamechanger probably! Like I posted earlier she'll try to 'manage' him and 'work around him', normalising the behaviour to the point that as long as it only happens sometimes and he's sorry/didn't realise/mean too/know his own strength it's all ok. And anyway he has lots of good points too so really it's all fine, we misunderstood and it's her fault for giving us the wrong impression Sad.

Unfortunately Op just can't see that if she always has to consider how will DP react then she's not in a healthy relationship. I hope she thinks over some of the responses here and maybe she'll start properly seeing the red flags.

McWilde · 24/12/2018 11:05

Sometimes the 'best way she can' isn't sufficient for protecting a young child.
A few cross remarks due to OP minimising her partner hurting her baby in anger would be fuck all compared to the reaction if a health visitor/GP seen this bruise.
The reaction here is a reflection of what OP would face in RL, or in a care conference.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 24/12/2018 11:06

His HEAVY HANDEDNESS needs GENTLE addressing?? Oh ffs... Hmm

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 24/12/2018 11:07

Also, I was abused, in every way by XH, for years. He did it once in front of DS1 and that was my cue to leave, for his sake.

Because when it affects the child/children, it should be enough to shock you into action.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 24/12/2018 11:07

You can't see the eggshells it yet OP but you will.

starcrossedseahorse · 24/12/2018 11:09

I am aghast at the posters saying that this is a good outcome and well done OP. I am guessing that these are the same idiots who are in uproar when yet another baby is killed by their abusive father. Absolutely shocking for a parenting forum.

OP it seems very clear to me that you are in a horribly abusive relationship just from your posts. You have a responsibility to yourself and to this defenceless baby to get help immediately - there are so many red flags and alarm bells here that it is frightening.
I would be leaving and raising concerns with the authorities - please do it if you feel strong enough and if you don't then get someone to help you.

You are afraid of this man, that much is clear. That is not how relationships are supposed to work OP. His tears mean nothing - please, please get real life help and leave this man.

Original poster
Oneinthegrave · 24/12/2018 11:10

I’m with my son now, taking him to the walk in centre to check it’s just a bruise and not what PP’s have described. DP knows we’re going and has stayed home with DSS so I can talk freely to the people at the walk in centre. I’m not going to lie about how it happened and I’m fully aware they will probably reffer us to social services but like other posters have said that’s for the best. I’ve let DP read this post as I thought that would shock him into realising how serious it is if he hadn’t already and once he read it I asked if he had anything to say and he judt said he’ll never do it again and after Christmas is going to find some sort of anger management thing (im thinking SS might be able to help with that)

I have to give the benefit of the doubt here which is why i’m not leaving right this second but he knows I will. My son comes before anyone or anything. I’ll update with what the doctors at the walk in centre say, it’s not causing him any discomfort now or even earlier when i was rubbing it with a baby wipe thinking it was dirt so I’m hoping it is just tissue damage and nothing more sinister. I honestly appreciate all the advice and support on here thankyou

OP posts:
starcrossedseahorse · 24/12/2018 11:12

he’s said he will in future try harder to calm himself while our sons trying to get away

OP this is a shocking thing for a father to say after hurting his son. It is NOT ok.

If you have any doubts, take your son to the Dr and explain how this injury occurred. They will start to put in place the support that you and your baby so badly need.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 24/12/2018 11:12

Now I’ll say well done OP, you’re doing the right thing getting your wee one checked and also being honest about it.

Please try to tell the doctor/nurse about you feeling anxious about his reactions and his temper too. It’s important that you do, for your sake and for your son.

Lizzie48 · 24/12/2018 11:13

How wonderful MN is. A woman and her child are potentionally being abused by her partner. The OP deals with it in the best way she can, MN disagree with her so add to the abuse by abusing her verbally.

This happens because posters are trying to get the OP to wake up to what's happening. What she's doing is minimising what he's doing, which is what my DM did for many years. Okay, she didn't know that there was SA involved, but she did know that our F smacked us too hard!!

It's a horrible thing for a child to be afraid of their parents, which we were. Do you want your DS to be afraid of his dad and to think there's no point saying anything to you because you'll take his side?

Re the rough tickling, what worries me is that the OP's DP doesn't care whether she's enjoying it or not, he only wants to have a laugh himself? That's what it was like with my abusers growing up. They were just wanting to play with us supposedly. (I particularly hated tickling and still do.)

Branleuse · 24/12/2018 11:13

of course its a bruise.
You know the walk in centre are going to have to report you dont you.
If you are dealing with this and confident that he understands, I dont think you need to get it checked out and start a massive rollercoaster.

Original poster
Oneinthegrave · 24/12/2018 11:13

Also, i’m not minimising just explaining there’s a bigger picture. I saw it happening and didn’t swap over for a while because i didn’t think he was being hurt, he was overtired like i said and i thought that’s why he was crying so much just like DP probably did

OP posts: