to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

[QwertyLou]

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

Your friend is being a dick. Your son wants painting. At his party, if he wants to paint they paint. All kids like to make a mess with paints and will love the idea of making their own creation to take home.
Put your foot down OP

There is nothing wrong with painting, my four year old son would choose the painting. I think you either need to be firm and call John and say thanks but no thanks, you are not interested. Or you could cancel the party, and reschedule and not invite this particular friend.
If neither of there are options then set up your back yard so there isn't room, put the food table in the way. When john arrives say thanks but I have the party covered, the birthday boy isn't really up for footy today. If anyone interferes you may need to be a bit firm and say no thanks, then take all the equipment and leave it by the front door.

Oooo I'd be mad! And by this point I'd be probably be sending a snotty text

'Hi Jane, didn't really want to have to text about this but you don't seem to listen to what I'm saying when we talk in person. X is very excited for his party and the painting he has planned so we will be doing it - I understand if it's not to your sons taste but he doesn't have to attend if it will be a problem? Obviously John is still welcome to come to the party but there'll be no taking over with football at any point 🙂 thanks'

I totally get what you are saying.
Just make a follow up call to explain, yes, you've decided it's definitely going to be a painting party and worried her DH good intentions will derail the birthdays boys wishes and really hope she understands but too bloody bad if she doesn't

Don't get hung up on it, do your activity, and no, boys paint, wtf!

Stupid person, stupid H.
Go with your plan, sounds great and in sure they'll love it.
Say you won't be offended if she refuses because theres no football involved!

She's being a dick. I'd be saying neither she nor John welcome if she can't respect what you've planned to do.

I totally wouldn’t want him to do the activity either OP. So weird of your friend to push it on you as well.

I am sure someone will come along with suggestions about how to deal with this (but I am not very good at that).

Have fun at the party. 🚀

Put your foot down and say no! Your poor son. My eldest had a painting party for his 4th birthday - the kids loved it!

You need to be firmersnd hide the ball! Why would your worried about offending when they so rude and patronising to you? Tell her in a text that there isn’t any need for Johnson Sunday. It’s not a football party and you want a single activity. Don’t use the word thank you. She obviously thinks you are someone who can be told what to do so don’t let this happen- you will not forgive yourself and be annoyed with yourself if you don’t stand up for the party that your son wants.

P.S. my son went to s painting party for all boys when he was 4/5 and still says it was his favourite 4 years later.

Thanks all.. I think she is motivated by kind intentions. She's a much more experienced mum than me (four kids, all older than mine) so maybe she's seen painting be a flop at parties in the past (??)

@Diddlysquats who will take the piss out of whom??

Cheeky sod. If her son doesn't want to paint, he doesn't have to. It's not his party, it's your son's. She needs to back off.

Text her to say there will be no football as an alternative activity. Emphasise that she will be actively upsetting your son by changing his party to suit her own prejudice.

What the?! I am angry for you OP. This silly sexist assumption drives such awful stereotypes.
Everyone loves painting. Plus, guess what? Tough shit to anyone who DOESN'T want to paint. Its your party do what you want. Anyone not wishing to join in can sit on the side or go home. Are they really so obsessed with sport they can't not do it for an hour?!
Your 'friend' needs to butt out and stop making everything about her (however good her intentions).
As to how to handle this... I would send a text like this: "Hi Friend, just been reflecting on Little Johns party arrangements and I'm keen to keep it to just the activities I have planned (painting and craft) to keep things as simple and calm as possible. Please stand John down from footballing duties and he can enjoy joining in with the painting instead of rushing about with a ball. See you Sunday'

What is GMRM about taking over someone else's party, refusing to listen and sticking fervently to gender stereotypes?

asmallpapercup That text is far too polite. Doubt it'd get through the friend's thick head and she'd just carry on railroading the OP's party plans. I think it needs something much more forceful. The version posted by vodkaanddietcokeplease seems perfect to me.

What can you do without offending them? Who cares!! They are offending you! They are being very insulting and presumptuous

If you really wanted to get out of it as simply as possible you could make a declaration that on second thoughts you don't want mud tracked through your carpets.

My son will be having his 4th birthday party soon and it's going to be a unicorn/pony party. He loves ponies! He loves rainbows and magical ponies as well as dinosaurs and monster trucks. He gives zero fucks what anyone thinks, for God's sake let kids be kids.

(Totally outed myself to any one who has ever met me or my son!)

They won’t take the piss out of him. What an odd thing to say.
They’ll get a fantastic rocket to take home and be nice and calm for cake.
Tell your friend to butt out. She’s not being helpful at all, she’s meddling, and being sexist to boot.
If John wants to organise football he can do it at one of his own kid’s parties.

Not at all - they are BU to keep hassling you and implying that was you have chosen isn't good enough.

Op your friend sounds really controlling and pretty unpleasant! I'd send her a message something like

'cf, whilst I appreciate you're trying to be kind and helpful, I've planned my ds party around activities I know he will Enjoy, i dont want to add any extra activities on the day as it would likely upset ds. I completely understand that your ds may not enjoy this activity bit would completely understand if he doesn't want to attended, there would be no hard feelings. Have a good weekend and we hope to see you Sunday'

She is being ridiculously rude IMO. Politely tell her to bring her son to the party when the painting session is over ( seeing as he wont be taking part). Then ring the football guy and tell him you have decided to cancel, as this is not what your son wants to do on his birthday.

How dare she try and ruin your sons special day!

She might have 4 kids, but that does not make her a more experienced mum than you either! (More like an interfering mum to me).
please put your sons wishes before hers!

Don't reinforce gender stereotypes by acquiescing politely to this bullying. Tell them you do not want this.

Someone had better text Monet/Dali/Bacon/Picasso/Rembrandt/Hirst/Hockney and tell them to stick to football

WTF as a mum of 3 boys I think she is insane. All 4 yr olds love to slop about with paint, ok some will do it for longer then others but it doesn't matter either way it is your sons birthday not hers so he should have the party he wants. if her child isn't able to sit and paint for 10 mins thats her problem not yours. if all else fails hid all the footballs.