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Original poster

to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

895 replies

QwertyLou · 23/11/2018 03:08

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

OP posts:
SlowDown76mph · 23/11/2018 07:57

She isn't being nice, surely you can see that? Stop being so wet!

She doesn't like that you aren't doing what she would do - she finds this a challenge to her authority - and is trying to undermine you and reassert her rank as 'alpha' female who knows it all and is oh sooo experienced.

MissSusanScreams · 23/11/2018 07:59

Tell her to get lost and uninvited her from the party. Then paint a lovely goodbye sign with your son:

So long CF!

Honestly, this GMRM thing only works if the male role model isn’t a sexist pig. Good male role model my arse.

Josiebloggs · 23/11/2018 08:01

A text along the lines of,
I have spoken with my son and he does not want football at his party. As it is his special day I will be allowing him to choose the activities taking place and football is a definite no. I'm sorry if this means your son does not want to attend but as your DH is free I'm sure he can play football with him elsewhere.

Willow2017 · 23/11/2018 08:03

Tell her its your sons party and he decides what they do not her.
Tell her its a painting party and you do not want John doing football as its not what your son wants.
And tell her if she doesnt like it her son doesnt have ti come.

Send her some links to famous painters😀

She is astronomically rude. How dare she try to railroad you?
Ex cm and kids love painting. She is an idiot if she has never let her boys do painting because "iits not what boys do" not all boys like football!

Onthebrink87 · 23/11/2018 08:03

Oh and I have 3 boys age 5,9 and 11. The eldest is on the school football team and collects different kits. If i asked at the weekend 'do you go and have a kick about in the garden or get the paint out?' All 3 would pick painting in a heartbeat!

DragonFire99 · 23/11/2018 08:05

Your friend is a cheeky cow. Stick to your grounds. Your ds likes painting. So he and his friends will paint at his party! Don't let her take over.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 23/11/2018 08:06

Shes being rude and a CF.Whatever the outcome make sure you turn up at her child's next party with an armful of plaster rockets Wink

RestingBitchFaced · 23/11/2018 08:08

Another mum of boys here to say both of mine would love the painting, and one of them would have actually hated the football. Make sure that it is absolutely clear to the CF's that there will be no football, or they will still try and take over. Did you send that text?

Miscible · 23/11/2018 08:11

You really will have to be firm and hide any footballs; if John turns up with one, you'll need to take it off him. Otherwise friend and John will suddenly announce that the kids need to run around and will start up a football game anyway.

MuncheysMummy · 23/11/2018 08:12

I’d just ring her and say you and John and your child are no longer invited as it’s clearly the only way you can be trusted to not take over! It’s your SONS party not her party and if you don’t want it to happen then tell her it’s not happening.

Tiredmum100 · 23/11/2018 08:12

Both my boys love painting! They'd love a painting party. I think it's a great idea. I too didn't realise boys had to be boys and do certain activities. It's nearly 2019!! So your child wants to do their favourite activity with their friends. Their wishes trumps someone for all her good intentions. I'd text her and say thank you for the offer but dc really doesn't want football at the party but you appreciate the kind offer!

ContessaHallelujahSparklehorse · 23/11/2018 08:14

Sorry op, have just re-read your first post and see that you have a perfectly good itinerary already. Ignore me!!

MuncheysMummy · 23/11/2018 08:14

And more importantly your son who’s actual party it is doesn’t want it to happen either ! It’s up to you as his mum to step up and sort it so that his party goes how he wants it to.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 23/11/2018 08:15

Yikes.. this is awkward as I know you and John mean well but DS has requested a painting party and neither he nor I want a football activity. Please ask John not to do this at DS's party. Both DS and I will be upset.

LovesLaboursLost · 23/11/2018 08:16

Oh God, my DS has a friend whose parents are like this. He loves painting, crafting and cooking when he’s here.

Your friend needs uninviting from the party.

Alicatz66 · 23/11/2018 08:17

How bloody rude !! I think painting rockets sounds like good fun ... my son is now 18 and has never had the slightest interest in football ..

Bluesheep8 · 23/11/2018 08:18

It's your boy's party. He has what he wants. He is inviting friends who know him and presumably know what he likes. What on earth does this have to do with anyone else?

BumsexAtTheBingo · 23/11/2018 08:18

What a cheeky fucker! She’s trying to make your sons party about what her son likes to do!
Just tell her that you don’t really want loads of kids traipsing off to do another activity and your son being left alone at HIS party and that you have enough activities planned for the whole time. Also remind her that as it’s your sons birthday it is going to be about what he likes to do.
I’m sure she wouldn’t have been impressed if you’d have rocked up to her sons football party with a sheet and loads of art stuff and pinched a load of the kids to do art because your son prefers it!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 23/11/2018 08:19

Well knock me sideways and call me Petunia! Your so called friend is trying to run your DS's birthday party. She doesn't know your son like you do. I 10000% agree with sending a message, either face to face or by text or over the phone but do not end the conversation without her being crystal clear that "John" is not to be running a football session while the painting is going on.

As for good male role models, why not print out some Monet, Van Gogh, Michaelangelo etc. etc. etc. paintings and have them dotted around the walls of your house for the party. They are good painter role models (so long as you don't go into the details of Van Gogh and that he cut off his ear). Most of the art hanging in the UK galleries were painted by men. Most of the women hanging in the UK galleries happen to be nude. I know I'd prefer to be the painter than the painting!

ReanimatedSGB · 23/11/2018 08:19

Your 'friend' is a sexist and a bully. Don't worry about offending her - be firm to the point of rudeness, mock her regularly and support other mothers if this friend starts harassing them.
TBH it probably won't be long before she comes out with something racist or homophobic as well - someone that hung up on 'traditional' values' is likely to be an all-round bigot.

Her poor kids - imagine if one of them is gay, or gender non-conforming...

User3262760621 · 23/11/2018 08:21

Your friend is a fuckwit. Stamp on it, hard.

Your son has made a very reasonable request for his party. You have figured out how to make it happen.

Your friend ...

  • Is pushing very hard with ridiculous sexist stereotypes for kids
  • Is an arsehole for handing over your phone number
  • Is repeatedly railroading over your responses to her

For whatever reason, she looks like continuing this shit and will (presumably) carry on stamping all over you for years to come if you roll over on this.

You know what your child wants, and it's entirely reasonable.

BaronessBomburst · 23/11/2018 08:21

You will keep us updated on this one, please OP!

Bluesheep8 · 23/11/2018 08:23

And actually, if a birthday party involves a specific activity like this, I would say so on the invitations and if guests don't want to do the activity then they decline the invitation? Also gives parents the opportunity to send then in clothes they don't mind them painting in.

Mumtoboy123 · 23/11/2018 08:28

As john walks into the party i would speak to him on the down low and explain youre more thsn hapy fir john and mini john to have a kick about but please dont announce it as an activity to pull all the children to. Likelyhood is john knows his wiffe can be pushy and has been told a different story angle than you (johns wife to john "oh youre so good with the boys and she just wants a bit of footy at her sons party. Be that wonderful man i know you are and step in... for the boys sake").
Failing that, stick johns football up his arse and wedge it in with a paint brush.
Mothers like johns misses do my head in

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 23/11/2018 08:31

Don’t let John do any football at the party at all. I’d actually be very clear about it. Thank you fir the kind offer but I absolutely do not want John to do football. Don’t say he can play with his son. If he does there is a reasonable chance the children may desert the painting table to join in. That does not mean they won’t enjoy the painting but they are only 4/5 and they will be attracted to the noise of the football. I’d do some energetic games on arrival then painting just after the cake when you have them all settled. Good luck. You and your son sound lovely.