to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

[QwertyLou]

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

How rude of her.

You need to send her a message telling her that her husband is not doing the football and if he is going to insist then he can stay at home.

I don't understand what's wrong with a painting party. Kids love getting dirty and being messy and paint does that.

I agree with sending a text. Very strong. Something like vodkaandcoke and so that it is crystal clear add “Please ensure (your dh) does not bring a football with him as it will upset the birthday boy”. If she comes back with a wtf. The next answer would be. “(My ds) did not disrupt (your ds’s) party, please do not disrupt his.”

Just because she has a football crazy husband and possibly football crazy children it doesn’t mean all boys love football. Your ds at 4 has enough emotional intelligence to go to parties not to his taste yet a grown man can’t do the same thing. Twit.

I have 3 boys. I’ve done crafts at all their parties so far and have a lovely photo of DS1’s 6th birthday with them all making Christmas decorations

And yes, the mum is being an arse. But you’ll have to tell her straight or she’ll carry on as she’s clearly got the hide of a rhino.

I’d send Asmallpapercup’s message

What the hell?! Who does she think she is?

Forget worrying about offending her and/or her husband - they don't give a shit about offending you or wrecking your sons party!

Time to get assertive.

"We're not having football at the party, certainly not while the painting activity is going on. It's not what my son wants for HIS party. Please don't push this, it's what ds and I have decided and what ds wants. Just because it's different to your sons interests is no reason to undermine this"

And if they STILL push it I'd tell them if they don't like the sound of what you have planned nobody's forcing them to come.

Who the fuck do the think they are??

As for painting being "unmanly" would she care to say that to Damien hirst, Antony gormley, frank Auerbach, Picasso, Matisse or any number of extremely successful male artist? Dicks!

Just because she's been a mum longer and has more kids doesn't make her a better mum nor right! Tell her to butt out!

You can't just railroad someone else's party and change their activities ffs. Op be direct, tell her very firmly your activities won't be changed, there will be no football.

No one will take the piss out of 4 year olds painting for fucks sake. What is wrong is wrong with you?

OP with the greatest of respect for you, they will take the piss out of him.

With the greatest respect, you think a party of 3 and 4 year old boys don't like painting? Do you have children, have you ever even met a child? Painting is the least gendered activity I can think of. That's one of the weirdest statements I've ever seen on MN.

I'd be a bit concerned about a 3 or 4 year old who didn't like painting and drawing and wondering if they were struggling elsewhere.

OP, your friend shouldn't be offended.. You're politely asking her to not spoil a party she is trying to spoil.

"Dear friend, thanks for the offer but we're just going to do the painting party thanks. It would really disappoint my son if his friends weren't doing the same activity and I don't want a bunch of muddy children in my house either!)

Please do be assertive and say you dont want the football. Or it will be the party he remembers where noone joined in eith his activity.

She is completely out of order but I wonder if you've not directly told her "no" and shes run with it. Sometimes we think being passive is being "kind" but honestly being assertive will work better and people respect knowing what you want.

I may be barking up the wrong tree!! I just knoe I was v anxious when mine were small and could easily have ended up in the same situation!

OP with the greatest of respect for you, they will take the piss out of him.

The kids are around 4 years old. Kids that age love painting and making a mess.

And yes of course a painting party is ace!!!!! Ive been to a few "decorate a mug /plate" ones where boys and girls have loved it!!

OP, I have two sons. Neither has any interest in football. One would be actively upset if he had to play football at his party.

4 year olds aren't going to be snarking about the painting, this is all the parents' wierd feelings.

I would be tempted to say that you have double checked with your son and he has said that he doesn't want football at his party. Please let husband know thank you for offer but it's not needed.

I think you need to be blunt. Does she maybe think she's doing you a favour by saving the cost of the party entertainer?

If he turns up with football gear, you stop him politely at the door and say 'Oh, did Mrs Meddler not tell you? We're not having football today. Do you mind popping that back in the car out of the way?'

Another with 2 sons who would hate to go to a football based party, and as such I would decline an invite to one for them. Your friend can say no if her son is so anti painting. Certainly I think it's tragic that people believe 4 year old boys would have the kids taking out of them for liking painting.

I'd bite the bullet, stamp your feet and tell your friend and her DH to do one. She's ignored your subtle hints.

I think she is motivated by kind intentions.

Do you?

I don't

Tell her to do one

It's your sons party

Let him have what he wants

Piss not kids.

I'm annoyed just reading your OP. What a pushy woman she is. My kids absolutely loved painting at that age, and we still have badly painted dinosaurs, power rangers, ponies etc hanging around the house now, almost 10 years later!

I agree with sending a text, it's easier to be assertive if you're not good at it. Good luck!

Burn her house down

As someone who does take her four year old to play football, the way football works at the age of 4 is that 15 little children run in opposite directions.

Chase the coach.
Cry for their mum/dad.
Ask for a snack.
Beg for water.
Sit on the floor a bit.
Score an own goal.
Hug the kid on the opposing team.
Fall down.
Ask for another snack.
Say it's too cold/hot and sit with mum or dad.
Ask to go home early.

I'm not convinced your friend actually knows anything about children, they'd all definitely stop and do a bit of painting if it was on offer .

Without fail just about every time. I can think of maybe 2 kids who actually "play football" in any meaningful way at that age. They will get bored after 5 minutes and you will have COLD muddy children stomping inside.

Burn her house down

That feels like a last resort.

Yes ok Frumpy it was probably a bit extreme.

Curl your lip at her instead. CF.

Tell this woman to butt out and tell john he is not welcome at a kids party

Pinch John's balls.

OP with the greatest of respect for you, they will take the piss out of him.

No they won't, John's Missus - they're 3 going on 4.

You and your husband both sound unhinged.

The road to Hell is paved with total fuckwits good intentions....