to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

[QwertyLou]

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

Tell your friend no. Painting is the activity that is happening at that time.

My DS has both been to and enjoyed and had his own 'craft' party at our local craft shop. They painted figures and decorated canvas bags. The parties were a mix of boys and girls and they all loved it.

Be careful of this couple. They will undermine your confidence in your own parenting (they are already doing it).

Personally, a text reminding them that they are welcome but it is DS’s day would not go amiss. And I would be very pissed off at the Football coach calling you.

Get another friend onside. You need support.

I seem to have made it to be a 47 y/o man without ever knowingly played football, so stick to your guns op - the sky will not fall in :)

Tell them not to bother coming to the party if they don’t want to participate in the painting.
At 4yo kids enjoy doing things with their friends no matter what the party activity is. No one will take the piss out of him.
My son went to a craft party at a similar age and painted a small clay dog, it still takes pride of place in my house.

Your son's party sounds lovely and your friend sounds like a busybody know all. One of my sons liked football. The other didn't. They're all different. What is sad here that boys learn how they are "supposed" to behave from their parents. My boys would never have taken the piss, @Diddlysquats , because they've been brought up to believe that whatever you are and whatever you like is fine. (And they know that if I found out they'd been unkind I would go through them for a shortcut!)

She is a dick, especially to disregard her daughters wishes for her own party. I hate people who think stereotypes should be played to, what utter nonsense. As others have said, don't worry about being offensive, they're not concerned about that. Tell them that if they try to start a football activity they will be asked to leave, your child's party, your child's wishes!

Tell your friend that as she is taking over half the party, she can pay for half the cost. Then tell her she owes you £100 for the food.

I did attempt craft at my son's 4th birthday and it really didn't work as loads of them just ran around screaming and wouldn't sit and do it. That may well have been my lack of assertiveness skills or the timing as we did it at the beginning - should probably have done something active first. Although my son isn't particularly crafty so it is different if your son is really keen to do painting. It's his party so it should be about him (and my son's next party will need to involve more running around screaming!!). This lady may have had a similar experience but that doesn't mean it's ok for her to take over the party. Hope it goes well!

Overbearing and annoying. That said I shudder at the memory of my attempt at an all male craft party. Dd at about 6 was friends with lots of lovely little lads and she insisted they would enjoy the craft activity she wanted to do. They didn’t. It was mayhem and the most disastrous party I have ever held or attended.

Cheeky buggers..ignore them conpletely on the football matter. If i were you if they bring it up id laugh then say something like "oh you really like your football" then carry on with your own idea

She is being horribly rude! Please send a text.

I agree she's overstepping the mark but in my experience getting over excited boys to sit and do an activity like painting could be hard. Although DS1's class were all pretty... boisterous!

A strongly worded text.

Dear friend, I and DS do not want football at the party. Please do not bring footballs or attempt to run a football session as you will spoil what I've planned.

I'm taking my 5YO DS out for pottery painting on Sunday, didn't know I wasn't supposed to! Your friend is a dick. As a side note, I have paint marks that won't come off my table from pottery painting kits, make sure you cover it with a dust sheet or something. (You may not be as dense as me though)

I'm so angry on your behalf!
My son would have loved a painting party too. It's probably her child won't like it so she's trying to make sure he has a fun time as he's more important.
I'm useless at being assertive but in this instance she sounds like she isn't a great friend so it doesn't matter if she hates you after!
Just say no, I've asked my son and he doesn't want football thanks though.

She is being awful! If you have one activity at the party, the kids will do it. If you offer football as well, then half the kids will abandon the painting and play football instead. This might upset your son, so don't take the chance.

She sounds stupidly invested in gender stereotypes and her way/highway!!

Sounds like she is trying to be nice? Unfortunately comes across sexist

As in boys like mud and girls like pink. Its not her party so she shouldnt get a say

I am struggling to think of any female painters🤔

Friend is being bang out of order! At my primary school, the two best children at drawing/art were boys, she’s being a dick. Let your boy have his painting party, he sounds gorgeous. No football, he’s not interested in it.

Maybe you could suggest to the mum that she has a football themed birthday party if she’s so hell bent on it!

Your painting idea sounds fab. I’ve always done a craft activity and ALL kids got thoroughly involved and concentrated hard - boys AND girls.

Definitely text .... Please tell ‘footie man’ not to bring any football gear as both my son and I don’t want football at this party but do thank him for offering.

You need to text so that if she mentions it again you can say ....,as I said in my text we don’t want football at his party this year but thank you for the offer.

If foootie man turns up with gear you stop him at the door and say ‘Did you not see my text - thank you but we don’t want football at this party’.

You could also have background scenery (some folded white card with simple planets and stars and alien spaceships photocopied on with felt tips to Colour in) for those that finish painting quickly or to pop in the party bag.

I'd have lost it with her about giving your number to football man.

Who the fuck does she think she is?

I'd tell her to back off, stop trying to be so controlling and forceful and if she can't do that, then you can't be friends any more.

Friends do not give out friend's phone numbers without their permission.

Hi XX, had a chat with Ds about his party, he’s so excited!! Just to clarify though, he absolutely doesn’t want any football. Thanks to you & John for the offers but Ds will got v upset, as he doesn’t like football and it his party after all 😊 I have tried to tell you before,when you passed on my number to the football coach, but you’ve been a bit busy and I wasn’t sure you were listening. Do really appreciate the offer though, see you at the party for painting and cake!

If John wants to be a GMRM, the most helpful thing he could do is get involved in the painting. Someone's Dad passing out the brushes will reinforce the idea that big boys can paint.
Maybe suggest this to Mrs Rhinohide?

No thank you, we're not having football at my sons party. If your son doesn't want to come, that's fine.

Pinch John's balls.

hey how about the boys doing painting based on football too (she is a silly mare & just because she hasn't encouraged her children to paint & she has more children than you does not make her a child care expert - says an ex childminder) just thanks but no thanks - how would she like it if you steam rolled in to her party???